Memoranda From the Edge
by Dr. Dredd
Summary: Elizabeth has decided to create a bulletin board for the posting of important notices. This series of ficlets, drabbles, and other madness is the result. Spoilers for Return, Parts 1 and 2.
1. Chapter 1

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Bulletin Board

It has come to my attention that many of you have been missing meetings and other required appointments lately. I have therefore decided to start this electronic bulletin board for the posting of important notices. I will no longer accept "I didn't know it was scheduled" as a valid excuse. (Yes, that means you, Dr. Kavenaugh.)

Please note that this board is for legitimate traffic only and not for the posting of frivolous messages or items of a personal nature. As an example, announcements of a football game screening would fall into the disallowed category. (Besides, we've all seen it already, John.)

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

- Elizabeth Weir


	2. Chapter 2

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: You cheeky little buggers

I realize that many of you are unhappy about the new vaccination policy we recently implemented. However, it is vitally important that everybody's immune system be routinely stimulated so that it can defend against the variety of pathogens found here in the Pegasus galaxy. After the nanovirus, it never hurts to be too careful.

Regardless, if you have a problem with the new procedures, I would appreciate it if you would come speak with me rather than make derogatory sheep comments behind my back. There's no bloody need to be rude or obnoxious. Think of it as self-preservation, too. I am the one with the needle, after all.

P.S. (I have suspended my Hippocratic Oath until further notice.)


	3. Chapter 3

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Col. Steven Caldwell

**RE**: Chain of command

I would like to clear up a few misapprehensions regarding standard military procedure on this base of operations. John Sheppard is a lieutenant colonel whereas my rank is full colonel. I would appreciate being made aware of important events as they are happening. For instance, last week's threatened mainframe erasure is something I should have known about. Dr. Kavenaugh's exploding toilet, on the other hand, is not. Please rectify your reporting procedures in the future.

Secondly, I am well aware that rumor can spread very quickly in a small community like ours. I would like to put to rest one rumor that I know has been circulating. I am not now, nor have I ever been, an agent in the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Please cease and desist from all speculation of this nature.

P.S. (Neither was Colonel Sumner.)


	4. Chapter 4

**MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel Steven Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Kavenaugh

**RE**: Medical malpractice and other disturbing incidents

I would like to make you aware of several occasions on which the cavalier attitude of the senior staff jeopardized the lives and health of expedition members. Their reckless disregard for our safety is very concerning.

The first incident concerns the plumbing in my living quarters. As you know, ten days ago the toilet facilities detonated when I attempted to use them. Fortunately I was not seriously injured, but a piece of shrapnel became embedded in a... lower back muscle. Although I have no proof, I believe I know who the culprit is. Yet for some reason Dr. McKay has not seen fit to discipline this individual. As department head, it is his responsibility to do so.

The second troubling incident occurred when I went to the infirmary to have the shrapnel removed. I was understandably in a great deal of pain, yet Dr. Beckett did not express appropriate concern. And furthermore, he threatened to unnecessarily stick a hypodermic needle in the same body region as my injury. This is especially disturbing given his recent memo renouncing the Hippocratic Oath, and may be actionable under malpractice tort law.

I realize that, as a civilian, I should be reporting my concerns to Dr. Weir. However, I believe that she is too biased in favor of her friends to provide an impartial judgement. I leave the matter in your capable hands.

cc: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

Dr. Rodney McKay

Dr. Carson Beckett

x

x

x

x

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zalenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: FW: Medical malpractice and other disturbing incidents

Radek, was that you? - McKay


	5. Chapter 5

**MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel Steven Caldwell, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Dr. Kavenaugh's accusations

I applaud Dr. Kavenaugh's restraint in not mentioning the name of the person he is accusing of malfeasance, since to do so would undoubtedly cause much embarrassment. (Whether to the alleged perpetrator or Dr. Kavenaugh himself is left as an exercise for the student.) However, since the doctrine of "innocent until proven guilty" is still honored in most places on Earth, I respectfully request that he present his evidence. Oh wait, I forgot -- he doesn't have any. If I am to "discipline" someone, I need to know that I am doing it for a valid reason.

An alternative explanation for the defective plumbing could have been found in the large pile of papers that up until recently was taking up space on Dr. Kavenaugh's desk. (Incidentally, since paper is at a premium, it would be useful to come up with a way of ensuring that people actually read their notices.) Had Dr. Kavenaugh bothered to check, he would have found that a test of the hot water distribution system was being planned for approximately the time when the toilet facilities blew up. Obviously, there are some faults in that system. Since Dr. Kavenaugh now has a vested interest, I recommend that he join the crew investigating the malfunctions.

I regret that either of you were forced to become involved in what should have been an internal dispute.

x

x

x

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Exploding toilets

This should clear things up for you, Elizabeth, at least from the plumbing standpoint. As for the Highlander, I'll let him fight his own battles. Maybe he can cut off the idiot's head.

x

x

x

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zalenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Exploding toilets

You SO owe me for this one, Radek. - McKay

_A/N: For all of you who requested a snarky McKay memo, hope you liked it! And Emma, I think you're right about Kavenaugh becoming the Frank Burns of Atlantis. :-)_


	6. Chapter 6

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Dr. Kavenaugh's accusations

You don't honestly believe the tripe the lad's been spouting, do you? He came to the infirmary with a piece of metal in his miserable arse, squealed like a stuck pig, and then had the nerve to scream bloody malpractice when I tried to inject the local anesthetic. Obviously I do take my oath seriously, because he'd be a bloomin' porcupine otherwise!

I will include all of the details in my official report. Hopefully that will be the end of this nonsense.

-

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel Steven Caldwell, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Incident Report

The following is from my official documentation of Dr. Kavenaugh's infirmary visit:

Dr. K. is a 32 year old male with no significant past medical history who presents for care following an unfortunate accident. The patient reports that he was attempting to use his toilet when he heard a loud, gurgling noise. Immediately following this, the toilet facilities exploded. The patient suffered a secondary blast injury when a metal shard became embedded in the lateral aspect of the right gluteus maximus muscle

X-rays of the affected area revealed no involvement of the pelvic bones or lumbar spine. Therefore the decision was made to remove the pipe shrapnel under local anesthesia. At this point, the patient became argumentative and insisted upon receiving general anesthesia rather than a "jab in the butt." The dangers of this alternative approach (e.g. respiratory depression, anesthetic reactions) were explained to the patient, who verbalized understanding.

After the area was prepped and draped in the usual sterile fashion, an attempt was made to infiltrate the skin with 1 percent lidocaine. At this point, the patient once again became belligerent. Since he was threatening the sterility of the surgical site and exposing himself to the risk of infection, he was firmly instructed to avoid unnecessary movement.

Once the surgical site was anesthetized, a 5-mm incision was made medial to the entry wound so that the entire length of the foreign body could be exposed. Sterile forceps were then used to extract a 3 centimeter metal sliver. The superficial wound was flushed with sterile saline, one gram of cephalexin was administered as prophylaxis against infection, and a sterile dressing was applied to the incision site.

As you can see, all of the necessary and proper steps were taken to ensure patient safety. The standard of care was adhered to at all times, and the outcome was satisfactory. There is clearly no malpractice claim to be made here. _Res ipsa loquitur_.

-

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Legal terminology

You are correct in that _res ipsa loquitur_ means "the facts speak for themselves." I once dated an American law student, who taught me many things. Aye, she was a bonnie lass!


	7. Chapter 7

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: What the hell is going on?

Jesus, I go away to the mainland for one week, and things go to pieces! When I got back today, I was met in the jumper bay by a welcoming committee consisting of none other than a seriously pissed off Colonel Caldwell. He just about ripped me a new one.

What happened? Caldwell said something about Dr. Kavenaugh and an exploding toilet. Also something about Carson threatening to stick the biggest needle he could find into Kavenaugh's uninjured buttock. (Although I don't know why Caldwell's upset about the needle thing, Carson. You threaten to do that to me all the time.)

So, tell me. Why are Caldwell's underpants in a twist?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: What the hell is going on?

Frankly, Kavenaugh's an ass and Caldwell needs to get a life. (Although if you tell anyone I said that, I'll deny it to my last breath.) I'm forwarding you copies of the memos regarding this matter; I don't even want to think about it anymore. But I don't ever want to hear Caldwell complain about us not keeping him in the loop, since we kept him completely informed this time.

Attachments: Memos from 8/1-8/4

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: What the hell is going on?

What's going on is that a certain maniacal Czech engineer took it into his head to take revenge on Kavenaugh for "accidentally" ruining one of his experiments. I knew he was planning something, but didn't think it would involve explosions in the bathroom. Sometimes I wonder about Zelenka's childhood.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: What the bloody hell is going on?

I don't know what you mean, lad. Dr. Kavenaugh and I simply had a disagreement about his medical care -- he disagreed and I told him what he could do with it. I swear, I've seen young bairns with more sense than that pony-tailed Sassenach.

By the way, I take exception to your comment about my threatening you with needles. Honestly, you people think that all doctors do is play with sharp, pointy objects. Believe me, son, there are plenty of other humiliating procedures that I haven't tried yet.

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel Steven Caldwell

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Recent incidents

I have discussed the events of the last week with most of the civilian personnel involved, sir. (Dr. Kavenaugh refused to speak to a mere "grunt.") Although the exploding toilet may have seemed trivial, I believe that the actions of the senior staff were commendable. The initial discovery and investigation of an explosion definitely warrants report to the ranking officer. After all, Wraith have tried to infiltrate the city before. One never knows what new tactics they might try. Furthermore, in the unlikely event that the blast triggered structural damage to the city, the senior officer would require this information to make contingency plans for an evacuation.

Drs. Weir, Beckett, and McKay handled themselves with skill and professionalism. I have every confidence that they will perform in a similar manner in the event of an actual emergency.

cc: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett

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_A/N Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to review. It is much appreciated! And if any of you have any requests for a memo, just let me know!_


	8. Chapter 8

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: "Educational" assignment

I would like to thank you again for the wonderful opportunity to spend a week on the mainland helping design an irrigation system for the Athosians. And I'm sure I have no idea what you mean by "a more beneficial application of plumbing skills."

The project progresses as well as can be expected. Don't worry, there was no way you could have known that the recent rains had turned the entire area into muddy swamp. I do not think I will ever be truly dry again, nor will I be able to remove all the mud from under my fingernails. But the opportunity to work on truly fascinating project makes all of this okay.

P.S. (The next time you and Cadman get stuck in the same body, I will let you stay that way and beat the crap out of each other. Polib mi prdel!)

P.P.S. (I have bootleg video of you kissing Dr. Beckett. I have not yet decided what to do with it, if you know what I mean.)

-

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Farming assistance

Dr. McKay, I would like to thank you for sending Dr. Zelenka and his team to help my people improve their crop yield. This drainage system will be very useful. But I am curious. How did Dr. Zelenka come to head this team? He is very good, of course, but this is not his usual work. When I ask him, he just speaks very quickly in a language I am not familiar with, and then mutters "Carson and Rodney sitting in a tree…"

I do not understand. Why are you and Dr. Beckett climbing the vegetation?

-

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: Polib mi prdel means, "Kiss my ass"_


	9. Chapter 9

**MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka, Teyla Emmagen

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Irrigation system implementation

Thank you both for informing me of the engineering team's progress on the irrigation project. It sounds like the work is proceeding smoothly despite some minor inconveniences. Radek, I'm glad the weather hasn't "dampened" your enthusiasm for your job. In fact, if you and Teyla would like, I can make your posting to the mainland permanent. I'm sure that your many talents can be put to good use there. We'd have a tough time managing without your keen eye for details, but we'd get by.

That reminds me. Radek, would you be able to take some photographs of the site for me? I know you have your handy video recorder with you.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Incriminating evidence

Give me the video and no one gets hurt. - McKay

cc: Dr. Carson Beckett

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: A friend

**RE**: A possible deal

I understand that you are in the possession of a video depicting two high-ranking members of the expedition in a compromising position. I would be willing to pay well for such merchandise.


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Regarding the mystery friend, all will eventually be revealed, but things may not be what they seem..._

_There, that should be sufficiently mysterious. :-)_

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**MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Work assignments

Your concern about my career satisfaction is appreciated. Although I might wish to, I cannot in good conscience leave the engineering staff shorthanded. Besides, you and I are used to dealing with each others' idiosyncrasies. You might find it harder to work with someone who is not used to your unique outlook on life.

Again, I do appreciate your concern. I look forward to discussing this with you when I return to the city.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Pitiful

Nice try, Rodney. I am not giving video to you. - Radek

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: MRI machine

I was right glad to learn that you will be returning from the mainland tomorrow. Not a minute too soon, either! One of the bloody MRI machines malfunctioned, leaving Katie Brown trapped inside, poor lass. And the Magnificent McKay was too busy alternating between reassuring Katie and screaming at me to actually try to fix the thing!

We got her out eventually, but the scanner's still not cooperatin'. When ye get back, can you come give me a hand with it? I could really use someone with your superior engineering skills, lad. It would be a lifesaver.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: MRI machine

Nice try, Carson. I am not giving video to you. - Radek

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Kamarád

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Merchandise

Please elaborate. What kind of deal are we talking about?


	11. Chapter 11

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: A friend

**RE**: A possible deal

Actually, I changed my mind. Instead of paying you for the video, how about you giving it to me in exchange for my not telling Dr. Weir or Colonel Sheppard about your bootlegging activities? I'm sure they would be interested in knowing about illegal alcohol production in the city.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Kamarád

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Blackmail

Who says they don't already know? But you are still a miserable specimen of humanity. I think I've figured out who you are. You're Kavanaugh, right? Zmrde zkurvenej!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: It doesn't matter

**RE**: Blackmail

You can insult me all you want. But unless you meet me on the balcony outside the control room at midnight tonight, your whiskey-running days are over. Bring the video and come alone.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Embarrassing situation

I don't know what you mean, love. I haven't heard anything about a videotape, but I agree that it would be embarrassing to all three of us. The less people remember about the three of us involved in a passionate embrace, the better. (Oh, God. I can't believe I just said that.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Enough is enough

All right, lad, you've had your fun. Maybe it was funny at first (although I wouldn't necessarily agree), but things are going too far. Lt. Cadman is becoming very upset about your bloody videotape. If this nonsense doesn't stop, she may decide that it's in her best interest to avoid being seen with me. And if this happens, I will NOT be amused.

Trust me. You do not want me in a bad mood.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: Zmrde zkurvenej means... well, let's just say that it's unprintable and leave it at that. ;-)_

_The plot thickens!_


	12. Chapter 12

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Do something!

If you don't get that videotape from Zelenka, there's going to be some serious trouble. I was having a lovely dinner with Laura when she mentioned how disturbed she was by it. She canna even walk into a bloody room without somebody leering at her. She shouldn't be driven to see Kate Heightmeyer just because one of your infantile colleagues refuses to grow up.

P.S. (If Radek is smart, he'll schedule his next visit to the infirmary for when Schwartz is on duty.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Do something!

Shut up, I'm working on it.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Do something!

Aye, you'd better! If Laura stops going out with me over this, I'm holding both of you lads responsible! I can't even remember the last time I went out with a woman before her.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Do something!

I SAID I'm working on it. By tomorrow morning this thing should be over one way or another. And your social life is nothing to brag about.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Do something!

Now why does that not fill me with confidence, son? Also, I seem to remember something about pots and kettles.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_All will be revealed next chapter, I promise!_


	13. Brief Interlude 1

It was 11:45 at night when the short, mousy-haired man stepped out of his quarters into the Atlantean hallway. He looked both ways to make sure he wasn't being followed, then walked quickly in the direction of the control room. In one hand he held an ordinary-looking videotape, and in the other he held a flashlight. The man did not possess the ATA gene, so the lights in the hall would not automatically respond to his presence.

As he walked, the man wondered if perhaps he had taken the joke a little too far. He hadn't realized when he captured the moment that so many other people would want to see it, too. Although he had not allowed any of the gossips to copy the tape, plenty of them had had a good laugh at it in his lab. He liked Lt. Cadman, and the last thing he wanted to do was cause her distress. His boss and the chief medical officer, however, were a different story. He had fun yanking their chains, since they did the same to him.

Oh well, maybe he hadn't taken things too far.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was 11:45 at night when the nondescript man stepped out of his quarters into the Atlantean hallway. He looked both ways to make sure he wasn't being followed, then walked quickly in the direction of the control room. He was empty-handed, but he carried a weapon in a holster at his side and wore a baseball cap with the visor pulled down to hide his face. Although the man did possess the ATA gene, the lights in the hall did not respond to his presence. He suppressed them with barely a thought, and hid in the shadows as he made his way to the arranged meeting.

As he walked, the man pondered the weirdness of the whole situation. He was on his way to retrieve a videotape of two people kissing. One of those people had two minds in the same body, and they bickered like an old married couple. And only one of them had wanted the kiss. Take three stubborn personalities in two bodies, add one distillery-operating Czech engineer, and you had a recipe for disaster. Stir slowly, then run like hell.

He was sorry that he had to resort to blackmail, but he didn't see any other way to get the tape. Once he had it, he would make sure that it permanently remained in a safe place.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The short, mousy-haired man looked out at the balcony, but did not see anyone there. He knew there was another door onto the balcony from a nearby corridor, but had not noticed anybody headed in that direction. With a sigh of relief, he pushed open the door and stepped outside...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The nondescript man looked out at the balcony, but did not see anyone there. He knew there was another door onto the balcony from a nearby corridor, but had not noticed anybody headed in that direction. With a sigh of relief, he pushed open the door and stepped outside...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Both men painfully collided with each other as they simultaneously walked onto the balcony. "Ow!" they yelled at the same time, then froze. Each had recognized the other's voice, and the implications were staggering. When they finally spoke, it was to exclaim in unison:

"Dr. Zelenka!"

"Colonel Sheppard!"

TBC

-

-

_A/N: I couldn't think of any good way to do this scene in memo form, so I put in the "brief interlude". We will now return you to your regularly scheduled memo programming for the aftermath. :-)_

_Congrats to everyone who guessed!_


	14. Chapter 14

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: This better be good

Colonel, just tell me one thing before I devise horrible revenge scheme involving lots of explosions. Why?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: This better be good

Sorry, but you didn't seem to be willing to give up the tape any other way. Give it a rest already. Let Carson, Rodney, and Cadman get some peace. I'm sure you can find other people to torment.

Not me, though! Don't get any ideas.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Mission accomplished

OK, Rodney, I got the tape back for you. Show it to Carson so that he doesn't blow a gasket and start attacking with needles or bagpipes. Jeez, the things I do to keep the peace around here! But you did come to the right place for help.

-

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alone in his quarters, Radek took a copy of the infamous tape out of his recorder and placed it in a lockbox. It was always good to have potential fodder for future plots.

-

-

_A/N: This should pretty much wrap up the blackmailer plot. Moving on to a different type of mayhem!_


	15. Chapter 15

**MEMO**

**TO**: All away teams

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Dietary indiscretions

It has recently come to my attention that some individuals are not observing proper caution when consuming offworld foodstuffs. Needless to say, I shouldn't have to remind any of you that we have procedures in place. Let's review them, shall we?

1.) If possible, only eat food that you have brought in with you.

2.) If certain astrophysicists have already eaten all the powerbars and MRE's, you should next try to obtain sustenance from friendly natives. (I realize that sometimes appearances are deceiving, so scan everything just to be safe.)

3.) If all else fails, make sure you have plenty of water and don't eat anything. It won't kill any of you, whereas food poisoning might.

I am busy enough treating sprained backs, arrow wounds, Wraith transmitter wounds, rope burns, and concussions. I don't need any of you in my infirmary puking your guts out.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronan Dex, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Dietary indiscretions

Are both of you daft? Eating out of random pots? My God, what's next, munching on alien mushrooms? If either of you ever come in with hallucinations caused by the Pegasus galaxy's version of LSD, I swear I will personally record them and pipe them over the citywide speaker. Zelenka isn't the only one who can wreak havoc with a recorder.

You bloody idiots.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Dietary indiscretions

This from someone who eats stuffed sheep intestines.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Specialist Ronon Dex

**RE**: Dietary indiscretions

It smelled good. It tasted good. I'm fine. The scruffy little guy ate it too, and he survived. No big deal.

What exactly are these "memos" for, anyway?


	16. Chapter 16

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Eldon

I know you didn't want me to bring home any more strays, but the little guy did save our asses back there. He's supposedly a scientist, so perhaps we might put him on the science staff here. Maybe he can work with Zelenka, although the thought of those two explosion-loving mad scientists in the same room makes me nervous.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Eldon

Okay, but it's your responsibility to see that he gets settled in. I don't expect to hear about any trouble, understood?

And please don't have him blow anything else up.

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Carson Beckett, Rodney McKay, and Radek Zelenka; Teyla Emmagan; Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Eldon

We need to show him around, find him a place, and get him settled in. Any ideas on what to do with an unemployed explosives specialist?

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Eldon

What do you mean 'we'? Are you volunteering other people for things again? That's a bad habit, son. But I guess Rodney and Dex could show him the mess hall. That is, if they haven't decided to take all their meals offworld.

cc: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Eldon

Volunteering other people? Hello? Now who's talking pots and kettles?


	17. Chapter 17

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Specialist Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Eldon

What the hell did you do to him? I found him halfway to the other side of the city, mumbling about how a walking mountain was trying to kill him. He didn't want to come back, and I almost had to call Beckett to sedate him.

I'd like an explanation.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Specialist Ronon Dex

**RE**: Eldon

I merely offered to eat with him. The man is overly sensitive.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Specialist Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Eldon

He probably thought you were going to eat him. Or stab him with a fork. Well, I guess now I know who not to ask for a job for him.

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard; Drs. Carson Beckett, Rodney McKay, and Radek Zelenka; Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Specialist Ronon Dex

**RE**: Food

I do not understand this preoccupation with my eating habits. If you're jealous, go find your own stuff!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: For those who haven't seen "Condemned", Eldon is a prisoner who helped the team in return for asylum on Atlantis._


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N: This series of memos occurs just prior to Trinity._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Introductions

I would like to take this opportunity to formally introduce two new members of our community. I am sure all of you will do your utmost to make them feel welcome.

The first new member is Tech Specialist Ronon Dex. Mr. Dex spent the last seven years of his life on the run from the Wraith, who could track him courtesy of a transmitter they implanted in his back. He was instrumental in helping Dr. McKay and Colonel Sheppard return safely from P3M-736. Mr. Dex has exemplary hand-eye coordination and a high pain tolerance. He will join Colonel Sheppard's team, where he will no doubt do an excellent job.

The second new community member is Dr. Eldon. Until recently, he lived on the planet Olesia, where he made a living working with unstable nitrate compounds. Colonel Sheppard's team were able to observe a demonstration of his expertise, and were suitably impressed. Dr. Eldon will be working closely with Dr. Zelenka's engineering group.

There will be an informal get-together in the mess hall tomorrow evening. Food and drink will be provided. Come and get to know your new colleagues.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Colonel Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Introductions

A suitable demonstration of Eldon's expertise? Is that a fancy way of saying he blew up your ship? Allowing him access to our science labs is a terrible idea. But maybe this is another one of your "feelings."

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: "Dr." Eldon

And where did this guy get his Ph.D. from? School for the criminally gifted? To look on bright side, though. He is smarter than Kavanaugh, smells better, and is not nearly as obnoxious.


	19. Chapter 19

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Public Displays of Aggression

I am aware that tempers have been running high as a result of recent events. Nevertheless, I cannot countenance brawling in public places of the city. Surely there are other ways for you to channel your feelings. If all else fails, go to the gym and beat the crap out of the punching bags.

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Dr. Kate Heightmeyer

**RE**: Public Displays of Aggression

I agree with Dr. Weir. I am happy to help with stress management and conflict resolution. Please feel free to make an appointment if you would like to discuss this further.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Lt. Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Dr. Weir's memo

Too bad. I was looking forward to Round 2 of Geek Smackdown. I've got money riding on this, you know. Come on, Radek. Surely an accomplished blackmailer and black marketeer like yourself can figure out how to hold a grudge match without Weir finding out.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Dr. Weir's memo

I may not be permitted to fight you anymore, but do not think this is over. As our friends from Earth would say, your ass is mine.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Punching bags

Lass, I appreciate your desire to have the crew beat up on things besides each other, but your punching bag suggestion was a wee bit troublesome. We've seen a 10-fold increase in the number of wrist injuries over the last 24 hours. People don't seem to know proper hitting technique. If certain people keep annoying me, I'd be happy to demonstrate.


	20. Chapter 20

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Punching bag

I'll keep your suggestion in mind. BTW, is everything all right? You've been very grouchy lately.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Geek "smackdown"

I do not understand this smackdown you describe. If you mean my current disagreement with Dr. McKay, we are settling it like civilized people. Your money can stop riding now.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Geek "smackdown"

Civilized people? You gave him a black eye!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Geek "smackdown"

Ancient Greeks invented boxing, Colonel Sheppard. They were civilized, were they not?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Injuries

Ow, ow, ow! I can't see out of one eye, Radek. Do you know what that could mean? I might go blind. Ocular trauma can cause vision loss, right Carson?

Um, would it help if I said I was sorry?

cc: Dr. Carson Beckett

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: My ass

Feel free to come claim it anytime.


	21. Chapter 21

**MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Colonel John Sheppard, Colonel Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Sergeant Bates

**RE**: Security incident report

Sirs, Ma'am. I wanted to make you aware of an incident that occurred at 2100 hours last night. Security was called to the gym for reports of loud male bellowing and female screeching. Suspects were one female Athosian, age approximately 30 Earth years, and one male Setidian of similar age. When Private Nichols and I arrived at the scene we found the two suspects engaged in hand-to-hand combat with sticks while shouting obscenities at each other. The male suspect attempted to use his considerable bulk to pin the female on the ground, but she broke his hold and tried to hit him on the head with her stick. He responded by trying to put her in a choke hold. At that point, she used her stick to break his left arm. Neither of the two suspects responded to multiple requests to cease and desist, so it became necessary to subdue them with Wraith stunner rifles. The female suspect was placed in a holding cell, while the male suspect was delivered to Dr. Beckett's care at 2130 hours.

I was present during the entire incident and attest to the veracity of this report.

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Sergeant Bates

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Security incident report

Your report was thorough as usual, Sergeant. Your enthusiasm for your job does you credit.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Sergeant Bates

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Security incident report

You got to beat up Teyla. Happy now?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Gym brawl

Miss Emmagan, while I cannot officially condone your actions, I admit to being impressed by your fighting skills. Would you be willing to hold drills for some of my people on the Daedalus?


	22. Chapter 22

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Gym brawl

What the hell were you thinking? This just gives Bates more ammunition to use against you! He already thinks you're a menace. I'm sure Ronon does, too, after what you just did to him.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Get back here!

What the bloody hell were you thinking? In case you forgot, Teyla snapped your arm like a twig! At the very least, that has to hurt like a bugger. I don't know how you managed to sneak out of here, but would you kindly grant me a few moments of your time and get your arse BACK TO THE INFIRMARY!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Apologies

Saying sorry would be good start. Saying it over the citywide speaker would be even better start. My God, you're an ass! What the hell were you thinking?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Athosian foreplay

You broke my arm, woman. I think I'm in love.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: Credit (or blame) has to go to Espiritu for the "Athosian foreplay" line. :-)_


	23. Chapter 23

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Grouchy

Grouchy? Aye, you'd better believe it! Have you seen what I've been dealing with lately? First there's Rodney and Ronon doing their impression of Julia Child by sampling random pots of food. If there was any justice, it would have been Rodney with the stomach flu instead of poor Zelenka. Then there was the bloody dreadful thing that happened to Dr. Collins. I can tell you that neither Dr. Biro nor I slept very well after that autopsy! And to top it all off, Ronon gets it into his head to go AWOL while I'm trying to set his blasted arm. Said something about looking for Teyla. I don't care if it is the "warrior's code," I'll not let him go gallivantin' around the city with an untreated injury! Stubborn solider, not unlike a certain flyboy we know.

So, all in all, I would say YES I'M GROUCHY!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Grouchy

Sorry about that, love. I didn't actually mean to hit "send". Yes, it's been a wee bit busy down here, but we're all handling it.

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Crew of the Daedalus

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Battle readiness

All right, people. No more slacking! Just because we haven't kicked any Wraith butt lately doesn't mean they're not out there. I've asked Teyla Emmagan to hold a series of drills in Athosian fighting techniques. I'd take her seriously if I were you; she snapped Ronon Dex's arm when he annoyed her.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**:Setidan foreplay

What do your people do? Beat their chest and grunt?


	24. Chapter 24

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Interpersonal violence

Why the hell did you smack me in the back of the head like that? It still aches. Didn't they teach you any more subtle means of communication in the military?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Interpersonal violence

Yes, McKay, they did. Those means usually involved automatic weapons or really big bombs. Now shut up and leave me alone. My arm hurts and I feel like crap.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Stress

I understand your frustration. I know that you've been under a lot of stress, especially with your dual research and clinical responsibilities. If you like, I can try to keep Rodney from bugging you any more than necessary.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Interacting with others

I see that you are working hard on your communication skills. You hit Ellia when she was only trying to be friendly. Yes, I know that she was a Wraith, but she might have actually succeeded in avoiding feeding if she had not impetuously injected herself with Dr. Beckett's virus.

Speaking of medical care, I fear you may be suffering from what some of the women have called "testosterone poisoning." You had best get this checked out.


	25. Chapter 25

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Still mad?

Um, Radek, are you speaking to me yet? If so, can you tell me how Eldon is getting along?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Still mad?

No, I am not speaking to you yet. But if I were, I would tell you that little guy is doing fine. And although he is explosives expert, has not yet blown up a significant chunk of space-time. So I'd say he is ahead of you.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Interacting with others

I get along fine with people. But the girl was a WRAITH! Like I said, giving her table manners isn't going to change the fact that we're the food! And I resent the way everyone smirked at me when I said that.

Testosterone poisoning? You should probably leave the medical stuff to Androcles.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Dr. McKay's performance

John, this is the first time you've been on a mission with him since the incident with the energy weapon. How did he do? Did you feel comfortable working with him?

And are you okay? I heard you took quite a beating.


	26. Chapter 26

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Dr. McKay's performance

I'd say he's back to normal, which means he was obnoxious and a drama queen, but came through when we needed him. He was a little quiet at first, but then he bullied a little kid and obviously felt better after that.

I can't say I'm feeling fabulous. My arm really hurts where the Wraith kid bit it, and I'm pretty tired. But I'll live.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Dr. McKay's performance

Understood, John. Get yourself checked out in the infirmary if things get any worse. And be sure to check on Carson if you do go. I heard he's locked himself in his lab and refuses to talk to anyone.

Oh, and I'll take your assessment of Rodney's performance under advisement. Bullying kids?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Still mad?

Oh, come on Radek! I covered for you when you decided to play mad bomber with Kavanaugh's toilet.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Table manners

Everyone smirked at you because even normal Wraith have better table manners than you do. Get over yourself.


	27. Chapter 27

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Still mad?

Yes, you cover for me. And then you make me dig muddy holes on the mainland. Sorry Rodney, that will not work. I will only accept a public apology on citywide speakers or... last Snickers bar that I know you have hidden somewhere.

Your choice.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Still mad?

I have no such thing... how did you find out about it?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Medical question

Carson, what are the symptoms of a skull fracture?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Medical question

Your brains would be leaking out of yer nose. By all that's holy, Rodney, you don't have a skull fracture! Did Elizabeth put you up to this to force me to come out of the lab?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Medical question

No, you overeducated sheepherder. I'm asking because I've got the mother of all headaches! I'm not playing nursemaid.

But that being said, I'm sorry about what happened. You shouldn't blame yourself, Carson. You wanted something big to use on the Wraith, but things got out of hand. I have a little experience in that area myself.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Sgt. Bates

**RE**: Security risk?

Sir, I wanted to let you know that neither Teyla Emmagan nor Ronon Dex have been seen in over 12 hours. They seem to have vanished together. What do you think they're up to? I knew neither of them could be trusted.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Sgt. Bates

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: What are they up to?

Think for a minute, Bates. You'll figure it out.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: I'm going on vacation for a few days. But I promise I'll post more of these when I get back (lots of time to write)._


	28. Chapter 28

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Children

Rodney, Colonel Sheppard told me that you were bullying a little boy on the planet where we found Ellia. I know it's cliché, but pick on someone your own size! (Or should I be saying that to the kid?)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Children

Colonel Sheppard needs to get his eyes checked. I wasn't bullying the kid. We were just discussing the feeding habits of the so-called "Damos." I suggested that he would be better off seeking answers from someone more knowledgeable about the subject than I.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Children

You mean you told him to shut up and go away. Come on, Rodney! Behave yourself.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Medical question

I appreciate your concern, lad, but I'm fine. I just need some time to figure out what happened with the retrovirus. I think Dr. Biro's on call today, if you need something for the headache.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Medical question

Don't try to convince me that you're not beating yourself up about the accident. I know you too well. Anyway, you know where to find me if you want to talk.

Dr. Biro? She's not going to try to saw my head open, is she? That woman is scary!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Sgt. Bates

**RE**: What are they up to?

I found them. That's a very disturbing image, sir. Still, it would explain why Teyla looks so smug and Ronon looks shellshocked.


	29. Brief Interlude 2

Radek Zelenka was very happy at the moment. He and Rodney were standing in the control room, where Rodney was getting ready to apologize over the citywide speaker. Elizabeth, looking amused, was standing on the other side of Rodney, a fact which also made Radek happy. An apology from the "Magnificent McKay" and an opportunity to gaze at Elizabeth, both at the same time! Life was good.

Rodney, on the other hand, was not so happy. Actually, you could say he looked like he swallowed a lemon, except for the fact that he would be dead if that happened. He was muttering to himself under his breath, something that sounded like "Snickers bar, Snickers bar..."

"Any time you are ready, Rodney," said Radek smugly.

With ill grace, Rodney stabbed the button to activate the speakers. He cleared his throat. "Um, may I have your attention. I, Rodney McKay, would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to my colleague, Dr. Radek Zelenka. On two occasions, I insulted him when he was trying to get me out of messes that I created. Well, one of those times wasn't actually my mess. If Cadman had just moved a little faster... Oh, sorry. Right, back to the apology. On two occasions, I insulted Radek when he was trying to save my butt. It was very obnoxious and arrogant of me, and I'm sorry."

After a short pause, Radek said, "That's it?"

"That's it!"

"But you didn't say the most important part. Come on, we discussed this."

"Do I have to?" Rodney whined.

"Yes, Rodney, you have to! Otherwise you forfeit your candy stash. Dr. Weir is witness."

"Oh, fine!" Rodney huffed. He stabbed the button again. "I also wanted to say that I'm sorry for doubting Radek's abilities. He is... he is... he is almost... as smart... as I am! There!"

"Very gracious of you," said Elizabeth dryly. Radek just shook his head. He knew that this was the most he could hope to get from Rodney.

"Thank you, Rodney," said Radek solemnly. Inside he was trying not to laugh. "Apology accepted. Your Snickers bar is safe." He held out his hand, which Rodney shook after a minute. Then Rodney bolted from the room, no doubt to make sure that his valuable possession was still intact.

Elizabeth looked at Radek and grinned. "Think we should tell him the Daedalus brought a new supply of chocolate?"

"Oh, yes! But if I may make suggestion, you may want to have Dr. Beckett stand by with a crash cart when you do so."


	30. Chapter 30

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Cardiac arrest

Technically it wasn't, since we never actually lost a pulse. Rather, I'd say that it was a rage-induced apoplectic fit. Nonetheless, you were absolutely correct to call for a crash cart. We can't always predict what will happen.

Rodney's going to be fine, lass. But he's rather upset with you.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Your recovery

Glad to hear you're feeling better. But I can't believe you actually chose a public apology over giving up your Snickers bar. It's not like it was Godiva-quality chocolate.

-

-

**MEMO**

**TO**: Crew of the Daedalus

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Phase I complete

Dr. Weir has informed me that Dr. McKay has learned of our chocolate cargo. He will soon be coming aboard to study the Asgard beaming technology with Hermiod. Needless to say, I'm sure I can count of you to partake of the cargo in his presence.

After all, he endangered all of our lives when his little toy started taking pot shots at us. (Not to mention the destruction of a sizeable portion of the local real estate.)

Oh, and anyone caught offering chocolate to Dr. McKay will be dealt with summarily.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Lindsey Novak

**RE**: Dr. McKay's upcoming visit

Sir, Hermiod is very upset at your order to prominently display large bars of chocolate in places Dr. McKay is likely to frequent. He doesn't understand the reason for it, and says that a substance in chocolate is causing unpleasant skin eruptions.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Lindsey Novak

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Hermiod

An Asgard with allergies? My luck.


	31. Chapter 31

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Computer games

Interesting that you also play Solitaire. I had you pegged as a Minesweeper kind of guy, myself.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Hermiod

**RE**: FTL diagnostic

Running a diagnostic on this system was a waste of time. Asgard technology would never fail so soon after installation. If I may make an observation, I think you're angry that I spoiled your scheme of revenge.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carol Biro

**FROM**: Dr. Steven Schwartz

**RE**: Medical Briefing

"The only thing I have to take into account is how off you are?" Who was that moron, anyway? Is he new?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Computer games

And why is that, Dr. Weir?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Computer games

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the way you keep bulling your way into situations without much background information. Like you've played a lot of Minesweeper and don't particularly care if a few go off.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: Come on, you knew I was going to try to get Steve in here. :-)_


	32. Chapter 32

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Sorry

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be more help during your infection. Guess I let you down again, huh?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Sorry

Nothing to be sorry about, Rodney! Your eloquent observations on the usefulness of medicine aside, you're not a doctor! What did you think you should have done?

I'm getting seriously bored in here. Carson won't even let me get caught up on my mission reports. He's worried about stress causing a relapse. Doesn't he realize that this is causing me even more stress?

I don't suppose you'd be willing to help me bust out of here, would you?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Sorry

Sorry again. But if I help you escape from the infirmary, I'm setting myself up for some serious Scottish revenge, and I don't think that would be good for my health. I might be able to help you smuggle something into the infirmary, though.

Now, as to what I should have been able to do. At the very least, I should have been able to figure out a better way of grabbing those bug eggs.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Hermiod

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: FTL diagnostic

I'll take your "observation" into account. In the meantime, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you please complete the diagnostic? It's a long way to walk home.


	33. Chapter 33

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

Well, the surfboard's probably out. How about the guitar, though? And some of Zelenka's rotgut.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

You're kidding, right? You don't think Carson'll notice me sneaking in with a large stringed object? And your ass is grass if he catches you with alcohol. (Mine, too, come to think of it.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Stephen Schwartz

**FROM**: Dr. Carol Biro

**RE**: Medical Briefing

I'm not sure who the guy is, but he's a real putz. Rumor has it that he's good friends with Dr. Kavanaugh.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Computer games

You certainly say what's on your mind, don't you? For a diplomat, you're not being very diplomatic.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Computer games

To quote Will Rogers, Colonel, "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock."


	34. Chapter 34

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Athletic performance

The only reason that you outran me is that you were infected with Beckett's retrovirus. That's hardly fair. I desire a rematch.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Athletic performance

Hello, what part of 'confined to the infirmary' didn't you understand? Sergeant Bates would probably shoot me if I tried to leave. I know he's been gunning for my job. Besides, I think you're just being a sore loser.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Kavanaugh

**FROM**: Dr. David Edmonds

**RE**: Bad performance

Hey, Kav, I totally see what you meant when you said that your coworkers were idiots. That medical briefing was just pathetic! That chick Biro acts like she never took a genetics class in her life. And that surgeon sitting on her other side, he was just taking up space! It's a wonder the entire expedition isn't dead by now.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Major Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Bugworld

I haven't had the chance yet to thank you for saving my butt (and keeping it human). Going into that cave was one of the craziest, hair-brained stunts I've ever heard of, but it worked.

Do something like that again, though, and your butt will be the one getting kicked! My life isn't worth any more than anyone else's. But again, thanks.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Major Lorne

**RE**: Bugworld

You're welcome, sir. I'd do it again in a minute, even if you court-martialed me. You were the one that taught me that we never leave a man behind.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: I'm assuming that the female doctor who was talking about somatic cells during the briefing was Dr. Biro. And I've decided that the dark-haired muscular guy sitting next to her is Schwartz!_


	35. Chapter 35

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Parole

Hey, doc, what are my chances of getting out of here anytime soon? You've been a gracious host, but I have no privacy. I feel like a bug on a microscope slide.

Err...no pun intended.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Parole

Sorry, lad. Your chances are about as good as my getting fresh haggis around here. I don't want you running about until your DNA is grade A, 100 John Sheppard. And I've already let you use the isolation room for privacy; I'm not sure what else I can do. (Other than perhaps stationing Ronon at your door to discourage prying eyes.)

Please bear with me a little longer.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Major Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Insubordination

Disobeying a direct order, huh? Join the club.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: "Escape" attempt: nice try

I had a feeling you were going to try something like this, Colonel. Having Ronon at the infirmary door serves my purpose as well as yours. By the way, I'm really starting to get offended at the way everyone spends most of their time in here trying to get away from me. But I guess it means you're feeling better.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Escape attempt

Traitor.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Diplomacy

You're not the only one who can quote Will Rogers, doctor. "Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it. You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week."


	36. Chapter 36

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Escape

Come on, you'd be surprised if I didn't try it. You know, if you would just let me keep busy, you wouldn't have this problem. I'm really bored and have already counted the ceiling tiles.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Boredom

You might try actually reading that book you brought with you. Or is it just for show? (Personally, I couldn't stand the thing. I had to read it while I was at university, and the bloody thing put me to sleep every time.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Apology

It's still pretty hazy, but I think I remember trying to strangle you. I'm really really sorry about that. Shades of Ford, huh?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Apology

Already forgiven, John. Not Ford's fault, and not yours either. In your case, it's a credit to you that you managed to hold it together for as long as you did.

You'll be happy to know that Caldwell was unsuccessful in his attempts to usurp your position. He tried, but despite numerous memos of his own, he failed. So your job is safe. Just behave yourself, stop tormenting Carson, and concentrate on getting better.

So how's that for bedside manner?


	37. Chapter 37

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Second attempt

Again, Colonel? Maybe I need to run some neuropsychological tests, because you're becoming uncharacteristically sloppy. Did you really think Ronon was the only one I enlisted to keep an eye on you? And your methods nearly got you killed.

If you're really that bored, I'm sure we can find a job for you changing bedpans.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Second attempt

OK, I admit that telling Stackhouse I was "bugging out" was probably not the most prudent thing to do. But I didn't do anything threatening, so he didn't have to try to shoot me. I wonder if Bates put him up to it.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Kiss and other issues

Hi, Teyla. I wanted to apologize for kissing you in the gym. Well, not exactly the kiss per se, but the way in which in happened. What I mean to say is that I'm sorry for the public display of affection. Not that I don't see you as a friend... oh, hell. I acted kind of crazy back there and I apologize for it.

This memo is probably not selling you on my returning sanity.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Reply to 'Kiss and other issues'

Hello, John. Apology accepted. I understand. What is a public display of affection? I see you as a friend, too. Yes, you did act crazy back there, and you are not making much more sense now.

Have I mentioned lately that I find your people rather strange?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Escape attempt

It was a matter of warrior's honor, Sheppard. Dr. Beckett pulled the transmitter out of my back, so I was in his debt. And it provided some balance for your cheating during our run.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Honor, glory, etc.

You're getting me back for beating you during our run? That's mature. And please, "warrior's honor"? You sound like a Klingon.


	38. Chapter 38

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Infirmary rules and regulations

-

Ladies and gentlemen, although I would prefer to treat you all as adults, the recent behavior of a few of your colleagues has forced me to develop a list of ground rules for the infirmary:

1.) Please report all important symptoms and injuries to the medical staff when returning from off-world missions. Saying "I'm fine" with blood running down your arm is not very convincing.

2.) By important symptoms, I do not mean dry, flaky skin or itchy feet.

3.) Please refrain from referring to the infirmary as a prison.

4.) While personal items may be used by patients, it is important that other patients in the infirmary not be disturbed by this. As an example, singing and playing prison spirituals on one's guitar is not helpful for people trying to rest. (See also Rule #3 above.)

5.) Alcoholism is an important cause of vitamin B12 deficiency. Anyone caught smuggling alcohol to patients will receive a vitamin B12 shot right in the arse. So will the intended recipient.

6.) There is no Rule #6.

Above all, please use common sense. I don't think it's too much to ask.

- The CMO


	39. Chapter 39

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

Boy, what a spoilsport. No surfboard, no more guitar, and no alcohol. Also, no bolt cutters, no night vision goggles, and no flash grenades. What are you going to bring me, then? How about my laptop?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

What are you complaining about? It's my ass that's sore now. I knew that trying to get you Zelenka's cheap liquor was a bad idea.

And are you sure you want me to try sneaking in your laptop? That crazy Scot still hasn't returned the last one he confiscated from you while you were in his clutches. If I remember correctly, that one had your only copy of "The Sims: Living Large" on it. Now I sometimes hear suspicious noises coming from Carson's office when he's supposed to be working.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

Uh, hello? I can't sit down that easily, either!

Never mind. I've decided I'm breaking out of here with or without your help. Beckett's busted me twice, and now it's a matter of principle. I'll pick up both laptops myself once the job's done.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Infirmary breakout

May I say that's a terrible idea? I'm not sure how to put this delicately, so I won't even try. Even though you're recovering, you still look partly like a giant bug. It's somewhat conspicuous.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Honor and glory

What exactly is a Klingon?


	40. Chapter 40

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Third time not the charm

What is this, "The Great Escape?" Steve McQueen you're not, son.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Pathetic escape attempts

Obviously I've overestimated your abilities in this area. You've now tried three times, and have never made it past the corridor outside the infirmary. Although my sore butt makes me hesitant to get further involved, it's clear that you need someone as smart as myself to help you with the planning and execution of your escape.

P.S. (And I'll refer to the infirmary however I damn well please!)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Scot abuse

Didn't I tell you in an earlier memo to stop tormenting Carson? You're driving the poor man nuts with your attempts to leave the infirmary. Dr. Heightmeyer will not be amused.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Scot abuse

Well it's partly his damn fault that I'm in here in the first place!

Sorry. That was a little harsh. But I really am feeling fine, and I'm reverting to normal. If I'm driving Carson crazy, he should just kick me out.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Klingons

Klingons are large, testosterone-enhanced warriors with a well-developed honor code and questionable eating habits.


	41. Chapter 41

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Infirmary Discharge Summary

-

-

**DISCHARGE DIAGNOSES (ICD-9-CM):**

Retrovirus, unspecified (079.50)

Unspecified transient organic mental disorder (293.9)

Metabolic encephalopathy (348.31)

Dermatitis due to other specified substances taken internally (693.8)

Contact with or exposure to unspecified communicable disease (V01.9)

Unspecified viral vaccine, adverse effects (E949.6)

-

**INFIRMARY LENGTH OF STAY**: 24 days

-

**DISCHARGE HOSPITAL COURSE**: The patient is a human male in his mid-thirties with a past medical history significant for Iratus-bug bite, medically-induced cardiac arrest, and multiple exposures to ionizing radiation, who presents with multi-system organ failure following exposure to an experimental retrovirus. The patient was exposed during an altercation with a young female Wraith who had self-administered the agent. Initial symptoms of the viral infection included rapid wound healing, increased speed and strength, sexual disinhibition, and a carbuncle-like skin eruption. Analyses of blood specimens revealed an exponential increase in viral particles over the first few hours; this was accompanied by a rapidly progressive rash and altered mental status. Therapy with generic viral inhibitors was initiated, and appeared to temporarily slow the cognitive decline. However, as the patient's condition continued to deteriorate, the decision was made to use another experimental therapy (Iratus-bug larval stem cells) to eradicate the original infection and reverse the subsequent morphological changes. The first attempt to obtain the stem cells was unsuccessful, and in the interim the patient became paranoid and aggressive. He was sedated to the point of coma until it was noted that he was expressing bug pheromones in his sweat. As a last resort, the patient was allowed to wake and undertake a second mission to collect Iratus-bug eggs. This time, the egg collection was successful and an appropriate genetic therapy was created. Although the clinical response to treatment was slow at first, the physical and mental changes reversed themselves over a period of several weeks.

The remainder of the patient's stay was largely unremarkable, with the notable exception of his newly-enhanced ability to annoy the hell out of the Chief Medical Officer. After the first week, the patient felt well enough to get out of bed and ambulate around the infirmary. He then displayed a remarkable talent for getting in the way of staff attempting to perform routine tasks. Subsequent days were filled with whining, complaining, and requests to "get out of this prison."

On multiple occasions the patient (bloody idiot!) did in fact attempt to leave the infirmary against the orders of the Chief Medical Officer. He enlisted the aid of several others, including the Chief Scientist and two of the engineering staff (Rodney, Radek, and Eldon, who have all been suitably chastised). When these attempts were unsuccessful, the patient resorted to sitting on his bed, playing a guitar that had been smuggled in to him, and singing prison songs. The quality of the vocals will be left to another communication, but suffice to say that the rendition of Folsom Prison Blues did not go well.

After 14 days a program of infirmary furloughs was initiated, to preserve the sanity of both the patient and the CMO.

-

**DISCHARGE MEDICATIONS**: None

-

**DISCHARGE TO**: Anywhere but here.

-

**DISCHARGE CONDITION**: In one piece... for now.

-

**DISCHARGE DIET**: Would you please eat something? Anything!

-

**DISCHARGE INSTRUCTIONS**:

1.) Avoid strenuous activity like sparring with Teyla. (Besides, I think she's still a wee bit upset with you.)

2.) Get flowers or something for Elizabeth. I know she said she forgives you for trying to kill her, but it's good to be on the safe side.

3.) Avoid the Wraith until further notice.

4.) You will see Dr. Heightmeyer. No arguments.

5.) I'd like to see you back for a check-up in two days. But feel free to call me any time, day or night, if you have any worrisome symptoms. You can be infuriating at times, but you don't have to suffer in silence, son.


	42. Chapter 42

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Back in the saddle

Boy, it was nice to get offworld again! I really hate being cooped up in one place. All in all, the mission went pretty well, but we really need to talk about your doling out little bits of information at a time.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Back in the saddle

Back to what passes as normal, yes. And I see you lost no time in trying to become like Captain Kirk again. Did you think that smiling sweetly at the first officer was actually going to convince her to let you go?

And I tell you everything you need to know... eventually.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Back in the saddle

Well, at least I stopped flirting with her once I found out she was a Wraith! That's more than I can say for some people.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: I don't trust either of you

You two have definitely made yourselves scarce since returning from your mission. Is there something you lads are hiding from me?


	43. Chapter 43

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Back in the saddle

Bite me, Sheppard.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Thank you

I wanted to thank you for helping with the mission to the Aurora. Your... unqualified and cheerfully-rendered assistance was appreciated.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Stalling Caldwell

You did a good job yourself in what our Earth friends would call "bluffing." Perhaps you would care to play a game of poker sometime?

By the way, how's your arm?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Stalling Caldwell

You mean after you broke it? My arm is fine, thank you. Would this "poker" game be anything like chess?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett, Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: I don't trust either of you

I'm not hiding anything. Sheppard, on the other hand...


	44. Chapter 44

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Thank you

You're welcome... I think. Anyway, we're leaving again. You can start making the party preparations.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: I don't trust either of you

Oh, you are such a fink!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Recreation

I do not know anything about this "chess." Poker is a game of chance where players wager on the value of the cards they hold. Sometimes the wagers are for money, and other times the wagers are for various items of clothing worn by the players. I believe the latter is called "strip poker."

Would you like to try it out?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: I don't trust either of you

Colonel Sheppard, may I remind you of the infirmary rules I recently distributed? If anything untoward happened on your mission, I need to hear about it. That's Rule #1. Although, considering as you've already ignored Rules #3, 4, and 5, one more doesn't make much of a difference.


	45. Chapter 45

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: I don't trust either of you

It's really nothing, doc. Just a mild headache from those stasis pods. Rodney may even have one, too. I'm sure we're both fine.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Now I know why I don't trust either of you

That's quite interesting. Were either of you planning on telling me about the stasis chambers? I knew I should have been suspicious when you insisted that Dr. Biro do your post-mission exams. The lass is far too trusting.

Your new appointments are scheduled for one hour from now.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Payback

Hey, if I'm going down, so are you. Even if you don't really have any symptoms.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Payback

Oh, that's just great. Why don't you just go flicker out again like you did before? You looked like Al the hologram from Quantum Leap, you know.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Payback

I don't think so! If I'm Al, that makes you Dr. Beckett, and one is enough, thank you! (Besides, you looked more like 'I Dream of Jeannie'.) What the hell is wrong with you, anyway? You've gone way beyond your normal snarkiness.


	46. Chapter 46

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Snarkiness

Nothing's wrong with me. You can trust me on that. And "I Dream of Jeannie"? There's no way in hell I'm calling you "Master".

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: -:headwall:-

Oh, for crying out loud... McKay, if I didn't trust you, do you really think I would have agreed to put my head in one of those things? Speaking of, you and I have appointments to keep.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Strange behavior

John, I'm a little concerned about the way Ronon has been acting lately. Two nights ago he was seen running through the hallways without his pants. Last night he was seen wearing even less. Have you noticed anything unusual?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Strange behavior

I haven't noticed anything, but then again, I haven't interacted with him much. Have you asked Teyla? She's been spending a lot of time with him recently.


	47. Brief Interlude 3

John pounded on Rodney's door for the third time. "Come on!" he yelled. "The sooner we do this, the sooner we can get the man off our backs!"

The door to Rodney's quarters slid open. "Well, if you hadn't been so eager to share your misery, I wouldn't have to care about Carson's mother hen tendencies," he snapped.

John grinned and slung an arm around Rodney's shoulder. "Schadenfreude!" he said cheerfully as he dragged the scientist towards the transporter.

"Gesundheit."

"You mean there's something the Magnificent McKay doesn't know? Schadenfreude. It means 'pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune.' You seemed to be having such fun contemplating my infirmary-related fate. How could I not share the wealth?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" demanded Rodney.

"Oh, please. Remember your memo from the other day? 'I'm not hiding anything. Sheppard, on the other hand...' You were enjoying that way too much."

"Huh." The two men continued on their way. They stopped, though, upon seeing Ronon in the corridor coming towards them. The runner nodded to both John and Rodney, but didn't say anything. As he walked away, John saw that he was not wearing shoes or socks, and his customary jacket was missing.

"What's going on with him?" John whispered to Rodney.

"I have it on good authority..." Rodney started.

"Zelenka, you mean."

"Like I was saying, I have it on good authority that Teyla is attempting to teach Ronon how to play strip poker. Let's hope that she's better than he is."

"Why?" asked John. "Let's hope she's worse than he is!"

"You know, I didn't think there were any gutters in Atlantis. But your mind seems to have found one, anyway, Colonel." John gave Rodney his best "Who, me?" look just as the two of them entered the infirmary.

John knew right away that they were in even bigger trouble than usual. An unsmiling nurse handed him a skimpy hospital gown and ushered him into an exam cubicle. She returned a few minutes later and proceeded to draw at least ten tubes of blood. "Ow! I have a headache, nothing more! Although now I'm probably anemic, too," he groused. She rolled her eyes at him.

"I get it. We're both on Carson's shit list, aren't we?"

"He's definitely not pleased with you," came the terse reply.

"Is he ever?" muttered John.

The nurse gathered up the specimens. "Dr. Beckett will be in to see you shortly," she said as she walked away. John assumed Rodney was receiving similar treatment, as he could hear the scientist's unhappy voice coming from behind another curtain. John began to wish he had a magazine to read, even if it was only an out-of-date copy of Good Housekeeping. Didn't all doctors' offices have stuff like that?

Carson kept him waiting for about thirty minutes. John figured it was a not-so-subtle message that the physician would be calling the shots. But what else could he have done on the mission? If he and Rodney hadn't figured out a way to communicate with the crew of the Aurora, the Wraith would be on their way to Earth by now. Surely Carson could see that that was an undesirable outcome!

Finally a hand drew back the curtain and the Scot stepped into the cubicle. "Colonel Sheppard," he said evenly.

"Dr. Beckett," replied John in a similar tone.

Carson pulled a penlight out of his labcoat pocket and shined it into the colonel's eyes. "So, can you be telling me your symptoms, now?" he asked.

"Like I said in my memo, it's a mild headache. Nothing else. No blurry vision, no nausea, no sensitivity to light." As Carson tapped various reflexes, John ran down the list of questions he knew the doc would ask.

Carson folded his arms across his chest and gave John his patented threatening glare. "You at least seem to remember the answers I want to hear," he said sarcastically. "But I'm not taking your word for it. When Rodney's done, it'll be your turn in the scanner. We'll talk again after that."

John just sighed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

At least it hadn't been as bad as an MRI back home. MRI machines were noisier and much more cramped. But John was still glad when he was finally allowed to stand up and walk around. He wandered over to a computer screen with a picture of a brain on it. He assumed it was his scan, but obviously had no idea how to interpret it. Another nurse walked by and saw him looking confused. She also glanced at the screen, then smiled sweetly and said, "Well, it at least proves you have one."

All right. He wasn't a paranoid man, but John had the sudden feeling that there was a conspiracy against him. He looked around the infirmary and caught sight of someone he hoped would be on his side. "Schwartz! Please tell me that at least one person is going to take pity on me."

The surgeon just smiled and shook his head. "Sorry, Colonel. It's every man for himself. Usually when the boss is this riled up, it's at me! I'm keeping a low profile on this one."

"Chicken," John muttered under his breath, which made Schwartz grin even more. A heavy hand suddenly landed on John's shoulder, and he winced. "I know this is stealing Rodney's line, but I'm a dead man."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John followed Carson into his office, where an annoyed astrophysicist was already waiting. "Can we get this over with?" Rodney snapped. "I already told you, I don't have any symptoms. The colonel here was just being schaden... sharden... a jerk! He..."

"Rodney. Shut the hell up!" hissed John. "You're making this worse!"

"Oh, I'M making it worse? You just don't know when to keep your mouth shut!"

"You, on the other hand, have a perfect grasp of that particular skill."

Their bickering was interrupted by a loud thud. Carson had picked up a large medical textbook and slammed it down on his desk. "Permit me to say a few things, then you lads can whine at each other for the next three days, for all I care." John and Rodney had the good sense to look sheepish.

Carson wasn't yelling now. His voice was calm and even, and that somehow made the two men feel even more uncomfortable. "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you don't have a latent death wish. So I'm at a loss to understand why you always try to keep things hidden from the medical staff. Is it the manly thing to do?" John winced again. "Are you worried about non-scientific procedures?" Rodney stared at the floor. "Please tell me; I honestly want to know."

"You control flight clearances," said John after a long silence.

"That's true. And my decisions are totally arbitrary, based on nothing more than who I've decided I want to piss off on any given day." Carson ignored John's attempt to interrupt. "It's not like I actually care about whether you come back in one piece."

"I never said that!" John snapped. "But you do overreact sometimes. 'Just as a precaution' isn't always a good reason to ground someone."

"Colonel, this entire expedition depends on you to keep us safe from the Wraith and whatever other beasties may be out there. You need to look after yourself not just for your own sake, but for everyone else here! You, too, Rodney. Anything else is just plain selfish. Therefore, yes, 'just as a precaution' is usually a good reason to suspend offworld clearance!" The physician's voice softened just a little. "There will always be exceptions, but you can't just unilaterally make that decision."

"So what was it about the Aurora in particular that got your kilt in a twist?" demanded Rodney. John shook his head at Rodney's typical lack of tact, expecting a Gaelic-laced explosion. But Carson refused to take the bait.

"It's not any one specific thing, but rather a pattern of systematic disregard for your own welfare. You do it, too. If it's not sticking your head into random alien gadgets, it's eating out of random alien pots!" Rodney scowled in response.

John sounded exasperated. "Tell me what you would have done differently. Remember, there were two Wraith cruisers bearing down on us and a very limited opportunity to learn about a weakness that had the potential to save millions of lives. It was a gamble, yeah, but worth it in my judgement. Don't tell me you've never had to make medical judgements like that."

Carson nodded slowly. "Yes, I have had to make those types of snap decisions. But I usually run them by another person as soon as I can. Even if it's just to get into an argument with Schwartz. Sometimes we agree, sometimes I think I'm right, and sometimes I even think he comes up with a better solution."

"You guys do have an interesting relationship," John smirked.

"Yeah, well, just like with the two of you, I haven't killed him yet."

Rodney broke in again. "Have I ever told you what a lovely bedside manner you have, Carson? It's truly inspiring. Are we done here?"

The physician exhaled loudly. "Not quite. Your neurotransmitter levels are totally out of whack." He scribbled something on a pad. "You need to take these vitamins for at least two weeks." Rodney grabbed the prescription and stalked out.

"Really?" asked John.

Carson gave him a small smile. "Yes, although it's probably not just from the stasis pods. The man has worse eating and sleeping habits than most of my med school class."

"Ah."

"Seriously, John. You asked me to work with you after the retrovirus. Now I'm asking you to work with me on this. You've got to keep me in the loop if I'm to be able to do my job."

"I'll do my best."

Carson tried to keep a straight face while glaring at John, but couldn't quite pull it off. "Someone please tell me why I stay friends with you two children?" he asked the room at large.

"Eh, keeps life interesting," John said cheerfully. He gave Carson a jaunty salute and walked out of the infirmary, whistling.

"Lunatics," said Carson under his breath. Then he got up and went looking for someone else to yell at. "Schwartz!"


	48. Chapter 48

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Mystery solved

Don't worry about Ronon. It's just a harmless game of strip poker between him and Teyla. Apparently Teyla is quite the card shark.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Mystery solved

I'm relieved. I could think of many other possible explanations, all of which were quite disturbing. I don't think it's just the two of them anymore, though. Sergeant Stackhouse and that new Canadian guy have also played a few hands, from what I've heard.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Eldon

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Thanks

I wanted to thank you for helping Drs. McKay and Zelenka facilitate my... brief absence from the infirmary last week. (_A/N: Chronicled in "Mission Improbable"_) From what I've been told, your assistance was invaluable. And we've concealed your involvement, so nobody on the medical staff will be the wiser.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Eldon

**RE**: Thanks

You're, uh, you're welcome. I'm just... just returning the favor from Olesia. Am I doing these memo things right?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Guys' night

You know what? I just realized something. We've had two days in a row now where the Wraith haven't attacked, no nearby planets have blown up, people haven't swapped bodies, and no one's changed into a giant bug.

I think this calls for a celebration. Anyone wanna watch some football?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: I've received a lot of positive feedback on the Interlude scene where the nurse tells John that his brain scan at least proves that he has a brain. Just wanted to tell you that it's based on a real life conversation! When I was a student, I had an MRI done for migraines. One of the neurosurgeons I was working with got my permission to show it to the other med students (without my name on it). Then he used that line, saying it proved med students had brains!_


	49. Chapter 49

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Guys' night

Aye, that sounds like just the thing. Radek, I'm sure you can scrounge up some alcohol, right? You've been very successful at smuggling it to these lads in the past. And shouldn't we invite Dex, too?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. Beckett and Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Guys' night and Ronon

First strip poker, and now we're introducing the guy to football? Isn't there some rule against corrupting our allies?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Guys' night and Ronon

Admit it, Rodney. You're just upset because we're not telling him about hockey. We don't want to encourage him to get into any more brawls than necessary.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Guys' night and Ronon

Thank you! I don't want to be putting stitches in him again. It was scary enough the first time around, let me tell you.

Although, as long as we're talking about other sports, why don't we try soccer (the real football).

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Are you kidding?

Them's fighting words, doc. But I'll let Ronon know about the shindig. He and Rodney can be in charge of bringing the food.


	50. Chapter 50

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Guys only?

I don't want to cause trouble, but is this a "no ladies allowed" event? I ask because I cannot imagine Teyla or Dr. Weir being very pleased if they find out that they were excluded. I have never had the opportunity to spar with Teyla, and I do not wish to start now.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Guys only?

This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain crush that you have, would it?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Guys only?

I don't have a crush on Teyla.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. Beckett and Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Guys only?

That's not who he meant.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. McKay and Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Guys only?

I also do not have a crush on Elizabeth... I mean Dr. Weir.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Guys only?

Uh-huh. Anyway, in answer to your question, let's keep this one as guys only. We can have a team poker game or something next week.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Guys' night

Yo, Dex. Now that you're a member of the team, it's time you were introduced to a fine, upstanding athletic tradition. It's called football. Tomorrow night, rec room, bring munchies.


	51. Chapter 51

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Medical advice (was Re: Guys only?)

John, as both your physician and your friend I have to advise against excluding the womenfolk of the expedition from "Atlantean Night Football." It isn't only Teyla and Elizabeth who will be upset with you; Laura and Katie will also be quite miffed. Having been on the receiving end of Laura's revenge a few times, I can assure you that it isn't pleasant.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Medical advice (was Re: Guys only?)

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Too much information there, Carson. I'll take your suggestion under advisement.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Medical advice (was Re: Guys only?)

Suit yourself. But I'll be the one having the last laugh. (Actually, Laura will probably have the last laugh. No doubt she'll figure out a way to get both of us.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Medical advice (was Re: Guys only?)

Only if she finds out. So keep it quiet!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon

**RE**: Guys' night

Sounds strange, but interesting. What kind of... munchies did you have in mind?


	52. Chapter 52

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Guys' night

You know, munchies, food, salty snacks to go with the beer I happened to smuggle back to Atlantis with me. We'll have Zelenka's whiskey, too.

Just ask Rodney. He'll know what to do.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Ronon

**RE**: Munchies?

McKay, I am still not sure what these "munchies" are, but I'm supposed to bring them to the sporting ritual tomorrow night. Sheppard said you would know what he's talking about.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Munchies?

Oh he did, did he? I think he's making fun of us again. Anyway, we can raid the kitchen just before we head over to the rec room. Maybe I can think of some way of getting him back for that remark.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. Beckett and Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Football game

Out of curiosity, is this the 1984 Orange Bowl game? I'm waiting with baited breath to find out who wins. I'll try to contain my enthusiasm, though.

Seriously, don't we have ANYTHING else to watch?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Crush

If you don't mind a little unsolicited advice, lad, why don't you see if Elizabeth will have dinner with you. What's the worst she can say? No? And if you need any advice on dates, you can just ask Rodney.

On second thought, maybe not.


	53. Chapter 53

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Football game

Bite your tongue, McKay. You're talking about a classic.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Drs. Beckett and Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Football game

A classic what, may I ask? Yes, yes, I know you can wax eloquent about how football is a metaphor for transnational conflict and about how a so-called "Hail Mary" describes our current situation in Atlantis. But it's a bunch of guys throwing an oval-shaped ball and piling on top of each other.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Football game

Son, if I were you, I'd start thinking about the witness protection program. I hear that the Genii homeworld is quite lovely this time of year. Come down to the infirmary and we'll see what we can do about changing your appearance. Maybe Schwartz can practice his plastic surgery.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Crush

Ah. I thank you for your concern, but I am content to let things develop on their own. Rodney's dating experience is not inspiring.

Oh well, now I have confirmed existence of crush to you. Hopefully rumors will not spread.


	54. Chapter 54

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Crush

Trust me, I will hold whatever you tell me in the strictest of confidence. And I don't think anyone's managed to hack into my computer files yet. The only potential suspect for that is you, actually.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Katie Brown

**RE**: What's going on?

Rodney, I've heard rumors that there's going to be a "guys only" football night soon. Is that true?

cc: Lt. Laura Cadman

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Katie Brown

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: What's going on?

I have no idea what you're talking about. But even if there was going to be one, who cares? Don't you have your "women's poker night"?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Katie Brown

**RE**: What's going on?

That's different.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Katie Brown

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: What's going on?

I don't see how! Besides, don't you hate football?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Katie Brown

**RE**: Something's definitely up

You were right; something is going on. Rodney tried to deny it, but he's a terrible liar. Can you drag any information out of Carson?

_A/N: Somehow, I don't think the ladies are going to let this one go... ;-)_


	55. Chapter 55

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Katie Brown

**FROM**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**RE**: Something's definitely up

I'll try, but maybe we should get more people working on it. I'm good friends with Dr. Biro; she might be able to learn something, and it will be a lot less suspicious-looking than me nosing around. Carson usually suspects me of being up to no good.

I can't possibly imagine why.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Katie Brown

**RE**: Something's definitely up

Yeah, you're just a paragon of virtue, aren't you? Anyway, Teyla's teaching self-defense to some of us, so I can ask her if she'd be willing to help.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Something strange

A few of the other women have told me about irregular behavior on the part of certain men in the city. Do you think this is something we need to be concerned about?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Something strange

I don't know, but there's someone I think might be amenable to giving us some information...

-

-

_A/N: And this is how rumors get started!_


	56. Chapter 56

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Rec room

Radek, do you know if anyone will be using the rec room during the next two days? If not, can you do a systems check? We've got a lot of Earth equipment hooked up to Ancient technology, and I just want to make sure there's nothing that can overload.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Rec room

I think there will be a small group there tomorrow night. Can it wait until after that? It is good to know you are being concerned about our safety.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Rec room

Yes, of course it can wait. Thank you. I'm glad it's you who will be doing the work, too, since I know you'll do the job well.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Something strange

That was almost too easy. I convinced Dr. Zelenka to reveal that there will be a small group using the rec room tomorrow night. I bet that's our guys, planning to hog the TV. We need to figure out what to do.

_A/N: Next chapter will be an Interlude!_


	57. Brief Interlude 4

_A/N: Thanks to everyone on the SGAHC list for a good discussion about beer!_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rodney walked out of the huge pantry carrying four bags of potato chips. "I thought these were in there somewhere... What the hell is that?" The last was directed toward Ronon.

"Sheppard said we should bring salty snacks. These are salty."

"Yes, but they're not exactly snacks!" snapped Rodney. "They're anchovies! Some sadly deranged people might put them on pizza, but no one's going to eat them as finger food!"

Ronon looked disgusted. "You eat human body parts?"

"No, no, no, it's just a figure of speech." Rodney showed the potato chips to the ex-runner. "Stuff like this. Food that comes in small pieces. You can grab a handful and eat them one by one as you watch the primitive ritual known as a football game. Got it?"

Ronon looked at him blankly. Rodney gave an exasperated sigh and shoved the bags at him. "Here. Just hold these and I'll see what else I can find."

"Whatever you say, McKay." As Rodney disappeared back into the pantry, Ronon looked curiously at the bags. After a minute, he opened one and ate a single chip. "Huh," he grunted. Then he grabbed a handful and started eating happily.

This time Rodney came out of the pantry with two bags of tortilla chips. "Oh, that's just typical!" he sneered when he saw what the other man was doing.

"What?" asked Ronon, sounding a little hurt.

"Nothing. Just give me those!" Rodney grabbed the potato chips. Then, as if realizing that his companion could squash him, he added, "Uh, that is, if you're done with them."

Ronon grinned lazily, like a lion sunning himself on a rock. He knew the effect he had on people, and he milked it for all it was worth. "And if I'm not done?" He laughed when Rodney gulped audibly.

Rodney looked like he wanted to say something else, but thought better of it. Instead he spun on his heel and walked into the kitchen proper. He rummaged some more and came up with a loaf of Athosian bread, ham, cheese, another kind of meat best left unclassified, and jars of mayonnaise and mustard. Ronon's eyes widened slightly at the sight of the bounty.

"McKay, are we bringing snacks or feeding an army?"

"Trust me, this is nothing. I've had the lovely experience of sitting through hockey games where people eat all this and pizza, too."

Ronon wondered again what pizza was.

"I think we're good here," said Rodney. He took one last look around and suddenly snapped his fingers several times in rapid succession. "I knew I forgot something." He took several jars of a chunky red substance and handed one to Ronon. "Now that's it."

As the two left to meet the other guys in John's quarters, Ronon glanced at the jar. It bore a label with the words "Atomic Salsa." He shook his head, wondering at the scientist's fascination with nuclear weapons, then shrugged and walked on.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh, lad, you can't seriously think that's beer."

"Why not?" asked John defensively as he clutched a six-pack of Budweiser.

"Horse piss!" said Carson firmly. "Bottled American beer is nothing more than hops-flavored water. No, what you need is an oatmeal stout or a good Caledonian brew."

John exchanged glances with Radek as the Scot prepared to launch into a lengthy discussion of the merits of American versus European beer. "Doc," John said patiently. "That's all well and good, but Colorado Springs isn't exactly known for its wide selection of imported beers. This was the best I could do."

Carson sniffed. "Well, then, it's lucky for the lot of you that some of us were better prepared." He cracked open the bag he was carrying wide enough for John to see the bottles inside. "And for absolute emergencies, I have a bottle of fifteen year-old Lagavulin scotch stashed away. Well... half a bottle, actually." He thought about how he and Steve had taken care of the other half after learning that their stem cell therapy was successful.

Radek piped up. "And do not forget product of my labor."

"How could I?" the physician retorted. "We still get one or two cases of alcohol withdrawal every week because of it."

The three men were waiting for Ronon and Rodney to arrive with the food. "Where the hell are they?" John muttered. "They could have opened a McDonald's franchise by now."

"Do you think there will be any food left for us?" wondered Radek.

"You never know with those two. A pair of walking garbage disposals is what they are."

"Oh, very amusing, Carson," said Rodney as he and Ronon walked in on the tail end of the conversation. "Now I know why you became a doctor for humans. Your wit was wasted on the sheep."

John groaned. "Again with the sheep jokes!"

"If the fleece fits..."

"Rodney!"

"No, that's okay," Carson interrupted John. "I can always ask Laura to pay a visit to his lab if he gets too insufferable."

A loud crackling noise made the three men stop arguing for a minute. They looked over at Ronon, who was crinkling one of the potato chip bags Rodney had set down. "Hey, this is entertainment, too," he pointed out. "Might as well start the party."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John knew something was up as soon as they exited the transporter near the rec room. He knew it was the only place in the city with a wide-screen TV, although several of the men had brought portable units of their own. He wasn't sure what was going on, but it was just too quiet in the corridor.

The men walked into the rec room, expecting to find at most one or two people playing cards or enjoying the view. Instead, they saw that all the comfortable couches and chairs were full and the TV was already on. And all of the room's occupants were women.

"What's going on?" demanded Rodney. He looked around and caught sight of Katie sitting on the floor next to an overstuffed chair that Laura was occupying. "Katie, I told you about tonight's football game in here. Did Cadman put you all up to this?" He scowled at the lieutenant, who stuck her tongue out at him.

"How very childish of you. I'm glad American tax dollars are paying for a crack military team."

"I do not understand, either," said Radek. "I specifically told Dr. Weir that there was to be a group in here tonight."

"Dr. Weir did not tell us of her conversation with you. Perhaps that explains it," said Teyla smoothly.

John looked around the room. He recognized Cadman, Katie Brown, Teyla, and Dr. Simpson. Dr. Biro was also there, and even McKay's cute Asian lab tech had joined the crowd. Where was Elizabeth, anyway? He didn't trust her one bit. "So, uh, ladies, how should we resolve this situation?"

"There's no situation to resolve," Simpson replied. John started to grin, but stopped at her next words. "This room is "first-come, first-served". We are here first, therefore..."

"But you knew we were planning to come, lass," Carson pointed out.

"We knew no such thing," Laura said smugly.

Rodney folded his arms across his chest. "Right. And you expect me to believe that..."

A new voice broke in. "Is there a problem, gentlemen?" Elizabeth had entered the room unnoticed, and now stood there eyeing the men critically. John noticed that although her face was otherwise blank, a wicked grin played at the corners of her mouth.

"No." John said slowly, not taking his eyes off the expedition leader. "We'll go somewhere else." His look as he walked out promised that he would not forget this.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"They planned this!"

"Oh, do you think so?" Radek glared at his fellow scientist.

Without anything else to do, the five of them had returned to John's quarters. They'd tried to bribe Per Olafson, one of the engineers, into loaning them his portable DVD player, but he wanted to watch a cricket match that someone had taped for him back home. Per had politely extended an invitation to join him, but Ronon, John, and Rodney knew nothing about cricket, Radek was bored by it, and Carson actively hated the sport. So instead, they just sat around, talked, ate, and sulked.

John sprawled on his bed as he drank his Bud. "Why did the women do this? Normally they don't care if we have a guys' night. Did any of you piss any of them off? I sure as hell didn't."

"Not me," said Radek.

From Ronon: "Don't look at me, Sheppard."

"I didn't either," said Rodney. The others looked at him skeptically. "What? Not everything is my fault, you know."

"Um."

"What do you mean, 'um', Carson?" Rodney demanded as the physician turned red. "Why is Cadman mad at you? Not that she needs a logical reason."

"Not exactly mad, but..."

"But?" John asked, eyebrows raised.

"The lass was a little upset that I forgot our anniversary last week."

Rodney, who had just taken a large bite of his overstuffed sandwich, practically spit his mouthful across the room. "You got married and didn't tell us?" he yelped. "Shutting up now," he added when John and Carson turned identical glares on him.

"We've been seeing each other for three months now," the physician told them. "Laura thought this deserved a celebration. I confess that I don't see what's the big deal."

John made a mental note to give Carson some friendly advice about women, but Rodney suddenly looked scared. "Uh-oh. I started seeing Katie two weeks before you... precipitously met Laura. That means I forgot the anniversary thing, too. We're dead men."

John made another mental note to give Rodney similar advice. Something Radek had said earlier was bothering him, though. "Dr. Z., why did you tell Dr. Weir that there would be a group in the rec room tonight?"

Radek didn't answer.

"Come on," John coaxed. "It might help us figure out what to do next."

The Czech sighed. "She asked so nicely. She wanted me to inspect the system to make sure that nothing would overheat or explode. I said that there would be a group in the room tonight, but I would do it tomorrow. Then she praised my engineering skills."

The other men were silent for a moment, thinking of Radek's crush on the expedition leader. "Dr. Weir is a cunning opponent," Ronon finally said with a faint smirk.

Rodney gave his colleague an incredulous look. "You fell for that?"

"I was not expecting a trick in routine inspection request!"

John held up his hand for silence. "Okay, so we've got two forgotten anniversaries, a scientist with a case of puppy love..."

"Hey! _Curaku_!"

"... and a lot of women who just love to have fun at our expense. If we were smart, we would just walk away quietly." There was a brief pause, during which evil smiles spread across everyone's faces. "We will therefore begin planning our revenge immediately."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: Curaku means "prick" in Czech. :-)_


	58. Chapter 58

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Movies

I have a question about the movie we saw last night. Is that what is known as a "chick flick"?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Movies

Yes, "Sleepless in Seattle" is definitely a chick flick! Can you imagine John or Rodney sitting though it? Worse, can you imagine Caldwell sitting through it?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Movies

I see. I do not think Ronon would enjoy such a movie, either.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Katie Brown

**FROM**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**RE**: Sensitivity training

I think last night will teach the boys not to forget important dates again. Are there any other annoying male habits we want to cure them of?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Katie Brown

**RE**: Sensitivity training

I'm sure there are, but we might want to lay low for awhile. I think the guys may be plotting revenge. Carson and Rodney stopped talking very quickly when I joined them in the cafeteria this morning.


	59. Chapter 59

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Katie Brown

**FROM**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**RE**: Sensitivity training

I'm sure they're plotting "revenge." Please. Did they think we weren't expecting something like that? Let them have their fun; vengeance is futile.

Now, on to more important things. Have you figured out yet what Rodney has to do to get back in your good graces? ;-)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Katie Brown

**RE**: Sensitivity training

Whatever you say, "Cadman of Borg." I just hope we're not in for a nasty surprise! As for Rodney, he's going to have to say nice things to me in public. Oh yeah, and he has to give me chocolate, too. How about you and Carson?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan, Dr. Katie Brown, Lt. Laura Cadman, Dr. Carol Biro, Dr. Miko Kusanagi, Dr. Jennifer Simpson

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Movies

I really enjoyed watching the movie last night. We should definitely do this again. I have a DVD of "Steel Magnolias" that would be fun to see.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett, Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: The Plan

So does everyone know what he has to do? Ronon and Carson, you're up first. We need to find out when the ladies are going to have their next get-together before we can do anything else.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

_A/N: Thanks to drufan for the Steel Magnolias reference. And I know all of you are having naughty thoughts about how Carson's going to have to make it up to Laura! ;-)_


	60. Chapter 60

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay and Zelenka, Ronon Dex, Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: The Plan

Any thoughts on how we might accomplish this wee task? Sean Connery not withstanding, not all Scots are like James Bond! And Ronon -- no offense, son! -- isn't exactly stealthy sometimes, either.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Stealth fighter

Now you've done it! Ronon's going to think he needs to prove how stealthy he is. You know that cat we brought back from M5X-647? I'd keep an eye on it before it quietly disappears. The big guy has quite the appetite.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett, Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: The Plan

I can be just as stealthy as I need to. I avoided the Wraith for 7 years. I think I can handle a few women.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett, Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: The Plan

Ronon, we all know you're a hotshot runner. Carson, you had almost fifteen years of higher education. You can figure something out. Jeez, you guys are like a pair of schoolboys!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Katie Brown

**FROM**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**RE**: Sensitivity training

I haven't quite decided yet how I want Carson to make things up to me. Something involving a lace teddy, chocolate, and a secluded beach.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Not going to happen. But a girl can dream, right?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

_A/N: For those interested in the cat, it follows John home in "Mashed But Not Broken"_


	61. Chapter 61

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Katie Brown

**RE**: Sensitivity training

Thank you so much for making me snort coffee all over my computer at that image! Still, it's an... interesting idea. I'll have to keep something like that in mind.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Movies

You and the other ladies certainly looked like you were having fun. You should relax like that more often, love. Will you be doing it again soon?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**RE**: Movies

That would be telling. Come on, I know you guys are up to something.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Movies

Aye, I told John I wasn't going to be very good at this. For whatever it's worth, I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. Forgive me, lass?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Major Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Movies

Lorne, you're supposedly an expert in pop culture. I need your opinion on something. What's the best "guy movie" you can think of? The more guns and explosions, the better.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: The Plan

Just like I thought, I was not able to get anything out of Laura. All right, lad, your turn.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

_A/N: What can they be up to? ;-)_


	62. Chapter 62

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Sparring

I am surprised you are so eager to challenge me again. I have already broken your arm while stick fighting and won many of your items of clothing during strip poker. What do you hope to gain from this?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Sparring

It's interesting that you should ask that... Let's meet in the gym and I'll tell you what I have in mind.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Locks and keys

I think I've figured out a way to seal a door so that only a specific person's ATA gene can open it. Can you give me a hand with the lock I'm building? There's a very small chance that it could explode.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Maj. Lorne

**RE**: Movies

That's a tough one, sir. Any of the Die Hard movies are a safe bet, but I liked the first one best. If you're looking for crude bodily function humor, Animal House is a classic. For car chases, the French Connection is a little old, but it's still got one of the best car chases I've ever seen.

Um, may I ask what you need this for, sir?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Maj. Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Movies

No.


	63. Chapter 63

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Katie Brown

**FROM**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**RE**: Sensitivity training

I hate to say this, but I think you were right. The guys are planning something, and they're putting a lot of effort into it. Carson attempted to be subtle and find out when our next movie night is. (He's so cute when he's trying to be sneaky.) Then Teyla told me that Ronon tried something similar while they were sparring in the gym. Needless to say, he now has a few extra bruises.

I wasn't concerned before, but I am now. They're trying too hard.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: The Plan

OK, I take it back. Both of your attempts at information gathering were actually pitiful. Fine, I'll do it myself. You can watch a master at work.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Locks and keys

I'd be happy to help. But if we're talking about explosions (or trying to prevent them), shouldn't we ask Eldon? He is, after all, expert in that area.

In other news, I have finished making those modifications to the video system that we discussed.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Maj. Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Movies

Actually, I will tell you something. Just in case we need backup. But the less you know, the better, because the foe can be ruthless. Meet me in the jumper bay. I'm not sure these memos are secure.


	64. Chapter 64

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Schedules

I only recently finished going over the screwed up things that Caldwell did to my procedures while I was infected with the iratus retrovirus. (I hate those bugs!) I still can't figure out some of the things he did to the schedules, though. Do you have a few minutes at some point to go over things?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Schedules

Sure. Can you tell me specifically where you have a problem? I'll need to figure out what files to pull and "Caldwell screwed everything up" doesn't give me much to work with. (Although I agree with the sentiment.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Schedules

Well, there's the rotating KP detail, the random guards outside Kavanaugh's lab (is Caldwell trying to torture people?), and the patrol in the eastern corridor of the city center.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Schedules

The eastern corridor... that wouldn't be the one by the rec room, would it? What are you guys planning?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Schedules

I have no idea what you're talking about.


	65. Chapter 65

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Crazy men

I do not know what they are up to, either. Other than trying to find out when our next movie night is, they have not done anything. I asked Colonel Sheppard why the men were behaving strangely again, and his response was, "Hey, how 'bout those Steelers?"

Is that another football thing?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Schedules

Now who's pitiful? You couldn't get anything out of Elizabeth any more than Ronon and I could find out details from Teyla and Laura! So much for "a master at work."

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Schedules

How did you know that? Have you been hacking into my private memos?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Schedules

Me? I know as much about computer hacking as Rodney does about diplomacy. No, lad, I overheard Laura talking to Dr. Biro. Apparently Elizabeth told Teyla, who in turn told Laura.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Schedules

Oh my God, we're gossiping like teenagers.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay and Beckett, Ronon Dex, Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: The Plan

You are ALL pitiful. The ladies will be having their next movie screening two nights from now. How I know this? Let's just say that it is very easy to see Dr. Weir's calendar when she is holding meeting in her office.


	66. Chapter 66

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Maj. Lorne

**RE**: Movies

OK, let me see if I have this straight, sir. You wanted to know about "guy movies" as part of a revenge plot against the women. A plot that also involves an ATA gene-specific lock and a jury-rigged entertainment system. Are you feeling all right, sir?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Maj. Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Movies

Funny, Major. So are you going to help us or not?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Crazy men

The Steelers are one of the many football teams in our country. I had no idea that John was a Pittsburgh fan, though. I'll have to keep that in mind.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Football fans

Teyla tells me that you like the Pittsburgh Steelers. I guess this is the wrong time to tell you that I'm a New England Patriots fan. (_evil grin_)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Football fans

You realize, of course, that this means war.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Beckett, and Zelenka, Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: The Plan

I think we're ready. Lorne will probably help, but even if he doesn't we should be okay. We'll meet at the beginning of the evening shift two days from now. I have a special score to settle with Liz regarding her deplorable taste in football teams.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: What can I say? Even I've caught football fever. So sue me. :-)_

_Up next: an Interlude!_


	67. Brief Interlude 5

John sat in the mess hall, slowly finishing a cup of coffee. For the benefit of anyone who might be looking, he periodically yawned or stretched. By the time he left, people would think he was returning to his quarters to retire for the night.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Tonight they were going to get their revenge on the women for deliberately ruining their "Guys Movie Night". In John's opinion, though, the ladies were getting off too easy. They were quick to object when the guys got together for some male bonding, but heaven forbid that anyone disturb their own plans! Well, if the women wanted to watch a movie tonight, he, Rodney, Radek, Ronon, Carson, and Lorne would be happy to oblige.

John looked at his watch and then pushed himself away from the table. It was show time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A spark flared and Rodney jumped back from the machine. "Oww! Radek, you idiot!" He put his burnt finger in his mouth. "Are you trying to kill me, or was this just a lucky break on your part?"

Radek swore. "Do not tempt me!" He was bent over the guts of the video system in the rec room. "This is not as easy as it looks!"

Rodney's voice dripped sarcasm. "I thought you said in your memo that you had already finished this. Right before you called us all pitiful."

As more sparks flew, Radek growled, "I make mistake, okay? We all live in awe of your godlike ability to be right all the time, but as mere mortal I…"

"Uh, docs," Lorne interrupted. "Sorry to cut short the bonding moment, but can we pick up the pace here? Colonel Sheppard just checked in, and he says that Dr. Weir's about to leave her office."

Rodney slowly looked at Lorne. Radek slowly looked at Lorne. Then they looked at each other and proceeded to start bickering again, completely ignoring the major. The officer in question groaned and started pounding his head against the wall. "God, why did I let Sheppard talk me into this?" he demanded.

"Ah, lad, you know you're loving it," said a new voice. "Stealth, intrigue, gadgetry -- what more could you ask for?"

"Peace and quiet, tedium, and did I mention peace and quiet?"

Rodney snorted at the same time. "You're one to talk, Carson. Gadgetry? You're a complete technophobe!"

"Enough!" snapped Radek before the physician could respond. "I'm done. When the women try to start their DVD, the new program will take over. Is the gene-specific lock in place?"

"Yes," said Rodney. "And it's keyed to the overeducated sheepherder standing on my left."

"Well, aren't we just in a lovely mood today, Rodney? What the bloody hell is eating at you?"

"Nothing," said Radek. "This is Rodney's usual charming self."

Suddenly John's voice came through their earpieces. "Will you guys shut up? I'm two corridors away and I can already hear you!" A minute later he entered the rec room with Ronon and glared at everyone. "Did somebody say stealth?"

Carson looked embarrassed.

John threw up his hands. "Whatever. Let's just go over everything one more time so no one screws anything up. Lorne, you're going to wait here and give the signal when everyone's inside. They shouldn't suspect you -- you weren't in on this from the beginning. Once the signal's given, Carson activates the lock."

"Why isn't the lock keyed to you, Sheppard?" Ronon rumbled. "Isn't your gene the strongest?"

"We've been over this. This way, if Weir orders me to open the door, I can honestly say that I'm unable to do it."

"Ah."

"With the lock engaged, they're stuck until we release it, and Radek's program should kick in at that point. Then we sit back and enjoy the fireworks."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When Elizabeth left her office, she caught sight of John's back as he slipped into a transporter. Something was definitely going on; she didn't trust him as far as she could throw Ronon. The problem was, she didn't know what was going to happen, and didn't see any way of finding out other than springing their trap. Earlier in the day she had asked Kate Heightmeyer for suggestions, but the psychologist had wanted to see what the men came up with.

Well, hopefully with all the female brainpower in the room, they could figure out a way to turn the tables anyway. Elizabeth grinned to herself. Unless the guys came up with something truly horrendous, it would be worth it. The kicked-puppy looks on their faces when they saw the women occupying their space had been priceless.

Teyla fell into step with her as they headed towards the rec room. "Are you enjoying your introduction to Earth culture?" Elizabeth asked.

Teyla nodded serenely. "Oh, yes. These 'movies' of yours are definitely more fun than football. Why do the males of your world not enjoy them?"

"Most men like movies just fine, but prefer a different type. There are films with lots of action, fighting scenes, things exploding. That's the type of movie a man typically enjoys, although I admit that I'm overgeneralizing a bit."

Elizabeth and Teyla instinctively lowered their voices as Major Lorne walked by. He gave no sign of having heard the conversation, and merely nodded politely at them. Elizabeth was relieved at the thought that at least he was probably not involved in whatever was about to happen.

They were not the first to arrive at the rec room. Laura Cadman and Katie Brown were already there, playing gin rummy while they waited, and Kate Heightmeyer was kibitzing. Miko Kusanagi had her nose stuck in a biophysics text, and Carol Biro was fixing the popcorn. There were a few other women there as well, whom Elizabeth didn't really know. "Is this everyone?" she asked.

"We're just waiting for Simpson," Katie said as she conceded the hand she was playing. "Drs. McKay and Zelenka were mysteriously absent from the lab today, so she's taking the opportunity to put it into some semblance of order."

"She'll be here soon," added Laura.

Elizabeth, Kate Heightmeyer, and Teyla eyed each other knowingly. But Elizabeth just held up the two DVD cases she carried. "Our choices for this evening are Steel Magnolias or Terms of Endearment."

Carol and Katie wanted to see Steel Magnolias, but they were voted down amidst good-natured jeering. "Julia Roberts just needed a good smack in that flick!" Laura proclaimed.

Jennifer Simpson entered the room as the debate continued. Elizabeth was distracted for a minute by a moving figure in the hallway behind her. Was that Major Lorne again? What was he doing? She wasn't given much of a chance to think about it as the other women made room for Simpson on the couch. Elizabeth popped in the DVD as Laura helped herself to a large handful of popcorn. Nothing happened for a minute, then the lights went out.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

In their "command post" around the corner, John nodded to Carson as he received Lorne's signal. The doctor grinned and closed his eyes. "Done," he said a second later.

Radek looked down at an indicator flashing on a handheld device. "My video program has just been activated."

Next to him, Rodney tapped a few keys on his laptop. "Lights are off... and the microphone is on. That's it." The men waited for the uproar they knew would come.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"What the...?" said Laura and Katie simultaneously. On the large TV screen appeared the official logo for the Pittsburgh Steelers football team.

"John!" growled Elizabeth in a low voice.

The logo disappeared and was replaced by the opening credits of the movie Die Hard. Laura looked interested, but no one else seemed to appreciate the switch. "So that's what they had in mind," murmured Kate Heightmeyer.

"Charming," Elizabeth replied. She stood up and tried to leave the room, but the door would not open for her. "Miko!" she snapped, knowing that the woman was the only other person present with the ATA gene. After a minute, Miko shook her head, indicating that the Ancient mechanism would not respond to her commands, either.

"We probably should have seen this coming," Laura pointed out. She didn't sound nearly as irate as the expedition leader, though. Instead, she looked amused, making Elizabeth wonder what had gone on between her and Carson since the women had pulled their prank.

Deep down, Elizabeth supposed that she also found this funny. Her male colleagues were nothing if not inventive. But it was infuriating that she hadn't been able to figure out their exact plans prior to springing the trap, and she could just picture the smug look on John's face when she saw him again. "Dr. Weir to Colonel Sheppard," she said, tapping her earpiece.

No response.

"Dr. Weir to Colonel Sheppard," she said again.

Again, no response.

"COLONEL!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John leaned against the wall with his arms folded, smirking as he listened to Elizabeth yell into her radio. "She seems rather upset," he said.

"Aye, that she does," Carson replied. "It can't be doing wonders for her blood pressure." He didn't appear worried, though.

"I should probably find out what she wants."

"Probably."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Yes, Dr. Weir, do you need anything?" John asked innocently.

Elizabeth was sure that the look on her face would scare small children. She took three slow, deep breaths before replying. "Open the door, John."

"Excuse me?"

"Open. The. Door."

"Open what door?"

"The door to the rec room. It's locked. I'm ordering you to open it."

Was that a snicker from the other end of the radio connection? "Did you accidentally lock yourself in there?" asked John as Elizabeth gritted her teeth. "OK, I'll give it a shot... Nope, it won't open for me, either."

"We are not amused. Now get us out of here!"

"I'm telling you, I couldn't unlock it. Damnedest thing I've ever seen. Are you all okay? Should I call Carson?"

This time, Elizabeth was sure she heard a snicker. "Colonel Sheppard, there are a lot of very pissed off women in here. I think it would be in your best interest to get the door open as soon as possible. Otherwise the only person you'll need Dr. Beckett for is yourself."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John continued to lean against the wall, a look of mock horror on his face. Next to him, Rodney was grinning widely and Radek was practically doubled over with laughter. Even Major Lorne had a small smile. Ronon just looked hungry.

Carson raised one eyebrow. "Do you have any new medical problems I should know about? Just in case Elizabeth gets her hands on you." Radek, who was just starting to calm down, promptly began laughing again.

"Not me. And hopefully none of you have any allergies to animal hair."

"What are you getting at, son?"

"Just that we're all going to be in the doghouse after this! Worth it, though..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elizabeth let her hand fall from her earpiece after she delivered her threat to Colonel Sheppard. She was still fuming, and her mood didn't improve any when her attention was captured by the TV screen. Previews of the movie were still showing, and one of the actors playing an FBI agent looked suspiciously like Kolya. "All right, turn it off. At least we don't have to watch it while we're waiting."

Laura looked a little disappointed, but reached for the remote. She clicked the 'power' button a few times with no result. "Uh, seems like the guys don't want us to turn this off."

"I withdraw what I said earlier," whispered Heightmeyer to Elizabeth. "Maybe I should have helped you figure out what they were planning."

"Hmmph," came the grunted reply. "Yes, you should have. But instead, you can help me figure out how to outsmart them now.

Behind them, Jennifer Simpson cleared her throat. "I have an idea," she said, holding up a screwdriver that had been left behind.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The gene-lock unsealed itself the minute the closing credits of the movie ended. John had prepared himself for any number of possible scenarios, but he hadn't expected the women to calmly walk out as if nothing had happened. In ones and twos, they filed past him and the other men, chatting happily with each other. Elizabeth was the last to leave. She also nonchalantly walked in front of John, but at the last minute she turned to stare at him briefly. The look in her eyes made John swallow nervously.

It said: "_Be afraid. Be very afraid_."

As soon as Elizabeth had disappeared around the corner, the six men dashed into the rec room to see why the ladies had been so unruffled as they left. Carson was the last one inside, and as the door slammed shut behind him John realized they'd been had.

Once again the television flared to life, and this time the movie Steel Magnolias began to play. John groaned. "Boy, are we dumb!" he exclaimed. He flopped down on the couch and prepared to take his medicine like a man. But something at the corner of the TV screen caught his eye. When he leaned forward, he could see that someone had drawn a crude picture of the New England Patriots logo and taped it to the television.

"ARRRGGHH!"

Outside the room, half a dozen women could be heard laughing their asses off.


	68. Chapter 68

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Happy Holidays

Thank you for your very thoughtful gift, John. I've always enjoyed the movie "An Affair to Remember," and the DVD remake has some interesting extras. (And I also find it amusing that the female lead's name in the movie is McKay.)

I must say, though, that after the recent "Battle of the DVD Player," I didn't expect you to want to have anything to do with the film industry.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Happy Holidays

You got us fair and square. But did you have to pick Steel Magnolias? (Isn't there something in the Geneva Convention about forced exposure to especially putrid movies?)

I didn't know about the McKay thing. I'll have to remember that for the next time Rodney annoys the hell out of me.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Beckett, Ronon Dex, Maj. Marcus Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Battle of the Sexes

Truce... but only for now.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: I'm currently hard at work on my LJ Secret Santa story, so "Memoranda" is going on hiatus for a few weeks. I may do a few holiday-themed memos closer to Christmas/Hanukkah, but otherwise I'm going to wait until The Hive is aired in the U.S._

_A/N: Apologies to the folks who liked Steel Magnolias. ;-)_

_Thanks to everyone for their support._


	69. Chapter 69

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Holiday Season

Back on Earth, another year draws to a close. I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on what we've accomplished here. We've done some great things and made wonderful discoveries. We've also made mistakes and lost good friends. But throughout it all, I couldn't be more proud of the actions of each and every one of you. During the most trying of circumstances, you still managed to go about your duties calmly and bravely. I admire you all for that.

I congratulate all of you, but I'd like to single out a few for special mention. First is Dr. Rodney McKay. I can honestly say that we wouldn't be here now if it weren't for him. And even though he can be a tad… abrasive at times, I know he cares deeply about everyone in this city. Thank you, Rodney. (But please do try to keep the explosions to a minimum.)

The next person I'd like to mention is also a scientist: Dr. Radek Zelenka. His is a quiet brilliance. He may not always get the credit he is due, but I know and appreciate the work he does. Dr. Zelenka's great strength is his ability to put multiple facts together in unique ways and communicate them to colleagues. Thanks for always keeping me in the loop, Radek.

Moving on to Dr. Carson Beckett. Carson, you have the patience of a saint. I know that the behavior of some people when they're sick can be very trying. Thank you for caring for us so well, and for tolerating multiple attempts to get you to sit in the control chair.

And lastly, I'd like to talk about Colonel John Sheppard. I'll bet he never thought that flying a certain general to an out-of-the-way installation would lead to a trip to another galaxy. John, I hope you're not disappointed that I essentially dragged you out here. You may not have been the original military leader, but you're doing a fabulous job. Non-regulation hair and all.

To the rest of you, I just want to say thank you for being such good colleagues. More importantly, thank you for being friends.

Now go enjoy yourselves. That's an order.

-

-

_A/N: Happy holidays to all of you! You've been so nice to give me all this feedback. Over 900 reviews and 116,000 hits!_


	70. Chapter 70

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Sweet gesture

A mysterious benefactress left a package in my office this morning. You wouldn't happen to know who it was, would you:-)

Thank you for the herbal tea, love. I'm right knackered, both physically and mentally. Rodney's a good friend, but he sometimes doesn't make it easy to take care of him. And although the worst is behind him, it'll take a while for him to get completely back to what passes for normal.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Sweet gesture

You're very welcome, Carson. I sometimes think we don't thank you enough. But how did you figure out it was me?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Sweet gesture

One of the night nurses saw you lurking. Again, you didn't have to do this, but it's appreciated.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Crazy-ass stunts

I just finished reading your complete mission report, Rodney. It was very... enlightening.

I've seen a lot of crazy things in my career, but this topped them all. Are you nuts? You found an entire bottle of a red liquid and thought, "hey, let's try this." What if it had been Ford's hopped-up version of rat poison?

From what I've read and heard, you almost fried your brain (and you FAINTED). Elizabeth wouldn't let me look at the security camera footage of you in the gate room, but other folks have helpfully provided commentary. Beckett said it was lucky you didn't have a stroke.

Don't get me wrong; I appreciate what you did. But you've got to stop putting yourself in danger for me, Teyla, and Ronon. We're only three people, but Atlantis contains hundreds more.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Crazy-ass stunts

I think I've heard this one before. "Blah, blah, blah, we're expendable, blah blah, leave us to die, yadda yadda yadda." Spare me the repetition, Colonel. Besides, I did it for selfish reasons. You think I want to work with a different team of idiots? I've had enough of that already.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, "You're welcome." Although it turns out you didn't need me after all. You had things wrapped up pretty nicely by the time we got there.


	71. Chapter 71

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Lt. Ford

Now that you've had a chance to interact with him again, what do you think? Is there any hope at all of saving him?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Lt. Ford

Elizabeth, I honestly don't know. If you had asked me immediately after he kidnapped us, I would have said no. He drugged us with a potentially deadly substance without a second thought. But, misguided though it may be, he seems to be acting out of a sincere desire to defeat the Wraith. And... he saved our lives. He shot the Wraith queen that was about to feed on me and held off the Wraith on the hive ship until we could escape in a dart.

The last thing Ford said to me was, "I'll hold the Wraith back, boss. Now go. I'll be okay." Somewhere in there is that enthusiastic kid that jumped ass-backwards through the gate. Can we get him back? I hope so.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Lt. Ford

So do I, John. So do I. Thank you for letting me know.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Team of idiots

You're all heart, Rodney.

Don't worry. We won't leave you to break in another team -- because break would probably be the operative word! In all seriousness, though, I wish you had trusted us to come back for you instead of risking your life like that.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Crazy-ass stunts/team of idiots

A couple of thoughts:

1.) Crazy-ass stunts? You should talk. "So long, Rodney" ring any bells here?

2.) Trust is a funny thing, isn't it.

3.) I did NOT faint.


	72. Chapter 72

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Outfitting

Now that we're out of danger, I'm curious. How many weapons DO you have hidden on your person?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Outfitting

Can't tell you, Sheppard. What the hell is an "airport", anyway?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Outfitting

Don't change the subject. Although I shudder to think about where you produced that blaster from!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Status report

Are things back to normal down there? In particular, how is Dr. McKay doing? I was a little worried about him when he was aboard the Daedalus. I hope he suffers no permanent effects from the Wraith drug.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Status report

Thank you for asking, Stephen. He's coming along quite nicely.

Wow. We're actually managing to be civil to each other. Whatever will people think?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Status report

It's the end of the world?


	73. Chapter 73

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Recent visit

I apologize for calling the infirmary a "pathetic excuse for a hospital." It's actually a very well-equipped facility.

Is it safe for me to come back into the infirmary yet?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Recent visit

No, Rodney, you're going to need a bigger boat.

Actually, I wasn't that bothered by most of what you said. You insult the infirmary all the time; I don't take that personally. You've also made reference to my questionable activities with sheep, so saying that I'm unsuccessful with women is tame in comparison. (And not true, either.)

What really hurt was your implication that I was finding it fun to watch you suffer. What have I ever done to make you believe that? I realize that you weren't in your right mind, but the thought had to have come from somewhere in your subconscious.

Do you really think that poorly of me?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Recent visit

Carson, I'm not sure what to tell you. I vaguely remember saying that, but I don't remember why. I don't know what was going through my head at that moment to cause that particular brain cell to fire.

Do I really think you enjoy watching people hurting? All kidding about sharp, pointy objects aside, no I don't. I trust you more than that.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Recent visit

As you said to the Colonel, 'trust is a funny thing, isn't it.'


	74. Chapter 74

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Trust

That's funny. I remember saying pretty much the same thing to John. I'm sorry, Carson. I'm not sure what else I can say.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Disturbing thought

What exactly did you mean by "goosing things along" with the Queen? That sounds rather kinky, if you ask me. At least when I drooled over a Wraith, she looked like a human!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Disturbing thought

I can't believe I'm actually dignifying that with a response. All I can say is: Get your mind out of the gutter, McKay!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Lost Boy

**RE**: none

Good working with you again, boss. It was close, but I got off the hive ship before it blew. I'm glad to see you got out okay, too.

Don't bother trying to figure out how I sent this memo. It's complicated, and I'm long gone by now, anyway. I'm sure we'll be meeting again, though.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lost Boy

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: none

Ford? Where are you, buddy? Ford? FORD!


	75. Brief Interlude 6

"Carson."

"Rodney."

The two men eyed each other warily, as if sizing up opponents. Like he often did, Carson had come out on the balcony to clear his mind. Rodney was already there when he arrived, and Carson did not welcome his presence.

The physician was the first to break the ensuing silence. "How are you feeling, then?" he asked, somewhat stiffly.

"Fine," Rodney muttered in an uncharacteristically subdued tone. The two of them stared out over the ocean, where a brisk wind was churning the waves into whitecaps. Heavy gray clouds scuttled across the sky. It looked like the city was in for another storm, hopefully not quite as severe as a certain previous example.

Feeling awkward, the physician started to leave. As he walked away, he heard, "Carson, wait."

He turned back and waited. Rodney was still looking out to sea. "I'm sorry for what I said when I was stoned out of my mind. What can I do to convince you of that?"

Carson took a deep breath. "Enjoying someone else's pain. It's not exactly a compliment for a doctor."

"I know," said Rodney miserably.

"And I know you don't always agree with me or my methods, but everything I do is to help the people in this city!" Carson ignored the sharp jabs his conscience was giving him.

"And I realize that, too! It's just... you just said 'help the people of this city.' What if an individual's interest doesn't coincide with the city's as a whole?" He knew that the medical staff had analyzed the Wraith enzyme and determined the formula. Why couldn't they have synthesized a small amount? Hell, if Ford managed to have a surplus lying around, why couldn't they? Was it a matter of scarce resources? Part of Rodney knew that this was probably residual paranoia, but he still felt somewhat betrayed.

Carson returned to the balcony rail and leaned his elbows on it. "I'd have to put the city's needs first," he admitted. That dual loyalty had troubled him since they'd arrived. "But I'd balance things as much as I could, and you can be damned sure I wouldn't enjoy it!"

"Yeah. Sorry."

Carson sighed. In truth, he knew that Rodney probably hadn't meant what he said. But after the Hoffans and John's near-death from the retrovirus, he was very sensitive about issues like this one. And a certain project he was currently working on was not sitting that well with him. None of this was Rodney's fault, though, so Carson ducked his head and let a small smile lift the corners of his lips. "Are you sure you're feeling all right? All of this apologizing, it isn't like you."

"Ha, ha." Rodney mock-glared at his friend. Then he became serious again. "I've already screwed up things with John. I don't want to lose any more friends."

Carson put a hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Apology accepted, lad. For what it's worth, I don't think you've lost John's friendship. He was angry, yes, and hurt as well, but he still counts you as a friend. Otherwise he wouldn't have been so upset that you didn't trust him enough to wait before trying your daft plan."

Rodney nodded. "I didn't realize that he'd spoken to you about that." He didn't look particularly surprised, though.

"Aye. It was the first night after you all had returned. John was in the infirmary for observation, and we talked for awhile. You had pretty much collapsed at that point." Rodney hadn't completely recovered from the effects of the enzyme when he went on the Daedalus. The stress of the battle caused a minor setback.

The two men stood in silence again, but this time it was companionable. Carson suddenly laughed quietly to himself.

"What?" asked Rodney.

"Does this mean that you'll behave yourself in my infirmary?"

The astrophysicist snorted. "Of course not. I have a reputation to maintain, after all."

"Just checking."

That was how Elizabeth found them when she joined them on the balcony a few minutes later. She looked surprised to see them there, since she knew of the awkwardness that had sprung up between them.

"Hello, Elizabeth," said Rodney as she stepped up to the railing. To Carson's critical eye, she looked overworked and tired. She had definitely lost weight, something she could ill-afford to do.

"How are you two doing?" she asked. Carson knew she meant more than just their physical well-being.

"Rodney and I are doing fine, love," he said, infusing it with a double meaning. "But you look worn out. Anything in particular troubling you?"

She laughed mirthlessly. "You mean besides the Wraith, Colonel Caldwell's machinations, and the Genii?"

"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?" Rodney muttered under his breath.

Elizabeth shook her head at the reference to American history. "You always have a way with words," she said wryly. "How about Lieutenant Ford hacking into our system?"

"That qualifies as disturbing," Rodney agreed.

Carson stared at the two of them. "You're serious, aren't you?" he breathed. He hadn't been aware of the memo Colonel Sheppard had received. "When did this happen?"

"Yesterday," Elizabeth replied. "It basically said 'nice working with you again, and don't try to find me.'"

"How the hell did he do that?"

"I've been thinking about it," said Rodney. "We know that he and his band of merry men had stolen computer equipment from the Genii and other sources. He must have written something and sent it to the Daedalus, knowing that it would download its memory into our system when it returned to the city."

"It doesn't really matter how he did it," Carson interrupted as Elizabeth was about to say something skeptical. "The important thing is that he's still alive." He looked wistful. "Maybe there's still a way we can save him. Unpleasant as it was for all of us, we did learn something from Rodney's experience."

"I almost hope we don't catch him," Elizabeth said, startling the two men. To Carson's questioning look she replied, "We'd have to ship him back to Earth, and they'd never leave him alone again for the rest of his life. He would be studied, and then probably court-martialed. Better that he just quietly vanish."

In their hearts, though, they that Ford would never be content to just vanish. Rodney thought about a man who had drugged him against his will, Elizabeth thought about a man who could have killed an entire infirmary of patients but didn't, and Carson thought once again about the morally dubious project he was working on. All three wondered what impact Ford would have on their lives in the days to come.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: Wow! Over 1,000 reviews. Thanks to all of you!_


	76. Chapter 76

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Pack horse

How come I always wind up carrying your junk for you? And thank you so much for your lack of faith in my piloting skills. I'm sorely tempted to tell Ronon and Teyla about your "Conan and Xena" comment.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Pack horse

You wouldn't. I'll tell Ronon what a big baby you were about taking the transmitter out of his back.

And hello, I don't trust my piloting skills, either! Didn't you hear me say I can't fly the thing in a straight line? I will never make an admission like that in public again, so savor the moment.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Credit where credit is due

I heard from Dr. Beckett that you gave me credit for the tethered-probe idea. You've matured. I think I forgive you now for calling me "Fumbles McStupid."

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Credit where credit is due

Moment of weakness, so don't let it go to your head. Between that and having to admit that I suck at piloting a jumper, I'm done with being humble for awhile.

I thought you already forgave me for that, anyway.


	77. Chapter 77

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Credit where credit is due

Yes, I suppose I did forgive you before. You're right. However, this doesn't mean that you get a free pass next time.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: You said what?

Conan and Xena? Are you nuts? Either one of them could beat you to a bloody pulp without breaking a sweat. I never figured you for suicidal, McKay.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: You said what?

Oh yes, rub in the fact that you're in better shape than I am. Some of us weren't running around trying to impress Ascended women.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: You said what?

She wasn't Ascended at the time. Besides, what else was I supposed to do? She practically threw herself at me and told me I was "the one."

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: You said what?

Ha! You actually fell for that? That's one of the oldest pick-up lines in the book!


	78. Chapter 78

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Mission Success

I'm sorry that it took so long from your perspective, but otherwise I'd say this mission was a success. We got you back, no one was shooting at us (the Beast notwithstanding), and we didn't destroy or corrupt any local cultures!

I think I like going offworld. I should do this more often.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Sheppard

**RE**: Mission Success

I'd say success is a relative term. True, no one was shooting at us, but we had to do a lot of shooting ourselves. That Beast was a pain in the ass (and I still can't believe that stopping it involved standing in a circle and thinking good thoughts). And although we didn't destroy any local cultures, McKay did get his metaphorical wrist slapped for coveting their ZPM. We all got home in one piece, but I think that's the best we can say about this mission.

Are you sure you want to go offworld more frequently?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Test results

You'll be pleased to know that the tests I did when we got home all turned out normal. You seem to be none the worse for wear after being temporally accelerated.

Now I have a delicate question for you, son (and I'm not entirely sure I want to know the answer). This is the second time, now. You do use protection when seducing Ascended women, don't you?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Another cultural reference

I had the opportunity to read your mission report, Doctor. I have a question about several more references to Earth culture that confused me. First, who are Conan and Xena and when did you have a chance to explain anything to them? Second, Colonel Sheppard said something about talking to a volleyball. What did he mean by that?

Have I mentioned recently that I find your people very strange?


	79. Chapter 79

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Seducing Ascended women (was Re: Test results)

Jeez, Carson! She wasn't actually Ascended at that point. And if she had been, I'm not sure what sort of "protection" would have been effective!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Seducing Ascended women

You didn't answer the question.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Another cultural reference

I didn't expect anyone to actually read that report. Um, let's see. Conan and Xena were... warriors of great reknown in 20th century Earth culture. Conan had great strength and was a very eloquent speaker. He eventually came to rule the land of California. Xena was beautiful as well as strong, and much smarter than Conan. Err... you have a lot in common with her... yeah, that's right...

Oops, Zelenka's about to make a mistake of catastrophic proportions. Got to run.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Another cultural reference

Did you direct Teyla to my mission report? She's never looked at the damn things before. And you did threaten me with that a few days ago.

Anyway, can you give me a little help here? See attached.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Another cultural reference

Nice effort, Rodney. Do you think she's going to believe that load of shite? Serves you right for being so bloody obnoxious.


	80. Chapter 80

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Seducing Ascended women (was Re: Test results)

I would prefer never to answer the question.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Seducing Ascended women

All right, I think I see where you're going with this. I won't say anything else this time, but I'll need you to tell me if you develop any symptoms. It goes without saying that I'll be discreet, but symptom reporting is not a request. And if this happens again, I'll have to make some changes to the routine physicals that you all undergo when returning from missions.

Am I making myself clear?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**CC**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Another cultural reference

Ronon, you will probably find our discussion to be of interest to you. Dr. McKay was just telling me about two cultural icons on his planet. I also asked Dr. Weir for some information.

First, there is a skilled warrior named Conan. He carries a big sword and battles hideous creatures while searching for the evil ones who destroyed his people. He is supposedly a cunning fighter, but frequently speaks in grunts. He is also called "the Barbarian." Then there is Xena, another skillful warrior who is known for her skills in many different forms of fighting. Her story is a bit more confusing, involving what Dr. Weir called "complex gender stereotypes."

Dr. McKay compared us to these icons during the most recent mission. Although I'm not sure he intended it is a compliment, should we give him the benefit of the doubt?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Another cultural reference

See attached. You're right, she didn't believe a word of it. I'm a dead man.


	81. Chapter 81

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Hermiod

**RE**: Annoying distractions

The next time we have to transport Atlantis personnel, please restrict engine room access. Dr. McKay bothered me on the last trip, but at least he was helpful. Dr. Kavanaugh was totally useless. His presence was unwanted and deleterious to my concentration.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Hermiod

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Annoying distractions

Normally I wouldn't be so cruel as to inflict Dr. Kavanaugh on you. I suspect that the Goa'uld symbiote didn't want him poking around us, either. After all, he's not the type to respond to "Kneel before your god!"

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Lindsay Novak

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Anxiety

I'm sorry you felt so nervous during our questioning session. Now that it's all over, I can tell you that you were the person I suspected the least. Are you feeling better? I know how rotten an intractable case of the hiccups can be.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Lindsay Novak

**RE**: Anxiety

Thank you for your confidence, Dr. Weir. I think... _hic!_... I'm feeling a little better... _hic!_

Damn.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Face paint

Okay, okay. I hope you have enjoyed yourselves, having fun at my expense. But now is time for you to find new hobby.

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!


	82. Chapter 82

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**CC**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Face paint

You know what? He's protesting too much. I think he secretly likes kids. All that cursing in Czech is just an act.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**CC**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Face paint

There's only one way to find out. Since I am a scientist, I favor the empirical approach. Do you know where we can find any other kids to help us test our theory?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Face paint

You are BOTH crazy! Do you know why they insisted on decorating us in this ridiculous fashion? It was to "honor" the people who made the sacrifice unnecessary. Why they could not do this with a nice banquet is beyond me.

Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Two annoying little urchins named Casta and Cleo kicked me in the shins for working with the "mean old man." Who might that be, Rodney?

_Ubozaks._

_-_

_-_

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Hope you've got a good lawyer

It's good to see that you finally got out of the infirmary. I know Carson can be a tad overprotective at times. Now, you might as well know that Dr. Kavanaugh's threatening to sue pretty much everyone in sight. So far, he's got Ronon for threatened assault and battery, me for civil rights violations, and all of the command staff (yourself included) for reckless endangerment. I shudder to think of what he might come up with next.

I don't suppose you could space him on the way back to Earth, could you?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: Ubozaks: "losers"_


	83. Chapter 83

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Hope you've got a good lawyer

Dr. Weir! I'm shocked to hear that kind of suggestion from you. Is spacing Dr. Kavanaugh another example of "diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggie until you can find a rock"?

That being said, I agree with you, of course. Can't do it, but I agree with you. And if I can give you some friendly advice, don't be upset at what you had to do. Just be glad we're alive to debate the ethics of interrogation practices.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: How are you?

Are you feeling all right, Colonel? You left the infirmary rather abruptly when you were discharged. I'd hate to think you were picking up bad habits from some of my other recalcitrant patients.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: How are you?

And who would those be? I'm fine, thank you, doctor. I wanted to talk to Hermiod about the procedure he used. I'd like to know how many brain cells he added to the ones I lost in college.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Charin

Thank you for your thoughtful care of my friend during her last days. It was surely a comfort to her, and was a comfort to me as well. Thank you also for remaining to witness the Ring Ceremony. You didn't have to place yourself at risk like that, but I'm grateful that you did.


	84. Chapter 84

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Charin

I'm glad I could help, love. I only wish I could have done more. Charin was a good person, and I'll miss her, too. I'm honored that you wanted me to care for someone so important to you.

Stop in anytime if you want to talk.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**RE**: Suspicion

Did you really think I was the saboteur? I'm hurt, Rodney. I thought you knew me better than that. Even being stuck in your head didn't warp my personality enough to make me capable of blowing up the city.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Suspicion

Well, you have to admit that your expertise in "high temperature and energetic materials technology" was awfully convenient! And, in my defense, I was quite disturbed by the image of you tap dancing. I might have had some... mistaken beliefs after that.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**RE**: Suspicion

Bite me, Rodney. I'm a very good dancer. I don't flop around like a fish, like some people I could name.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Lt. Laura Cadman

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Suspicion

I do NOT flop around like a fish. Where did you come up with that... oh my God. I'm going to kill Radek. He got a picture of last year's Christmas party, didn't he.


	85. Brief Interlude 7

_A/N: Sorry for the delay, but I've had so little time to write._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Teyla stood on the balcony of the control room, watching as the last of the returning personnel left the jumper bay. She felt numb inside; everything had happened too quickly over the last few days. Frail, elderly Charin, a fixture in her life, was gone. The rest of them had only narrowly avoided dying. It was difficult to absorb, and she wanted... no, needed... some private time to do so.

She also needed to return Charin's body to her people. Few had ever lived long enough for the Ring Ceremony, but the custom was to scatter that person's ashes into flowing water as a symbol of a renewed journey. Teyla was ready, but once again required assistance in getting to the mainland. "We have become so dependent on the people from Earth," she thought with a trace of bitterness.

Nonetheless, she needed a pilot to fly her out of the city. Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay were meeting with Dr. Weir in her office, and she waited for them to emerge so she could ask one of them. Hopefully she wouldn't have to wait long.

She didn't. All three of them walked out a few minutes later. Dr. Weir walked over to her. "I'm sorry to hear of your loss, Teyla. I didn't know Charin that well, but she seemed like a wonderful friend and mentor."

Teyla nodded and looked at the ground for a minute to gather her composure. "Thank you, Dr. Weir." When the other woman had left, she turned to Sheppard and McKay. "I apologize for imposing, but can either of you fly me to the mainland? I'd like... to bring Charin home."

"It's not an imposition," said Sheppard firmly. "You know we're happy to do it. Unfortunately, McKay and I need to go up to the Daedalus, but we'll find someone for you." McKay didn't say anything, but gave her an awkward pat on the shoulder as he followed Sheppard out of the control room.

Teyla smiled faintly to herself. The physicist's prickly exterior concealed a good man underneath, something she was sure he would deny vehemently if called on it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Teyla hurried into the jumper bay an hour later. Colonel Sheppard had radioed her to say that everything was ready, and she was eager to leave. To her surprise, the Chief Medical Officer was at the controls of the puddlejumper. She knew he hated to fly, so she usually tried not to ask him except in emergencies. "Dr. Beckett, I'm sorry. I hope I'm not pulling you away from something important."

"Oh, no. You should have come to me first, love," he replied gently. "You know I'm always glad to help."

Teyla felt a rush of gratitude. "Thank you," she whispered, not trusting herself to say much more without crying. She gestured toward the rear of the craft. "I'm going to... sit... with her." Her voice broke on the last word and she disappeared into the rear compartment. Teyla sat heavily on a side bench, tears streaming down her face. She barely felt it when the jumper lifted off.

Either Dr. Beckett's piloting skill had improved or she was too upset to notice any turbulence, because the trip was smooth and rapid. When she felt them begin to descend, Teyla took a firm grip on her emotions. She wiped her face dry and smoothed her hair back. She had to appear the calm, unruffled leader; her people needed that sign of stability.

She would do her own grieving later.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

This last ritual was mercifully brief. Only she, Carson, Halling, and a few other Athosian adults attended. Afterward, Teyla took the opportunity to slip quietly away. She knew of a spot not far away that she had previously used for meditation. It was a quiet clearing near the same stream they had scattered Charin's ashes in. She did not think anyone would disturb her there.

Alone finally, she sat cross-legged beneath a tree. Teyla closed her eyes and allowed her tears to fall freely, acutely feeling the loss of the last link to her own family. Charin had said that her people would be her family, but she no longer felt the same closeness to them. Even Halling and Jinto seemed more like friendly acquaintances than true friends. An inevitable consequence of her decision to remain in the city of the Ancestors.

She found her thoughts drifting back to her earliest memories of Charin. Teyla had been a very active youth, not content to sit still while others were performing tasks to help the village. She had often slipped away from Charin, who watched her while her parents were occupied. More often than not, she received a strong scolding from the older woman, yet Charin could never stay angry for long.

As Teyla grew older, Charin began to teach her about medicinal herbs and how to use them. She also attempted to teach her to cook, with much less success. Teyla knew she was terrible at it. She didn't have the patience for watching pots simmer or meats roast, which was odd for a hunter who often had to outwait her prey. After a few culinary disasters, she had been gently discouraged from helping with any festival cooking.

The memories continued to surface. Some of them made her smile, like the one of Charin being surprised by the village on her naming day anniversary. Others were more wistful. Charin had been the first person she went to when her parents were taken by the Wraith. Teyla closed her eyes and allowed the emotions to wash over her. Eventually the iron band she felt constricting her chest began to ease. The meditation had served its purpose.

Guiltily, she realized much time had passed. She opened her eyes, intending to hurry back to the settlement, but saw that she was no longer alone in the clearing. Carson sat under a nearby tree, concentrating intensely on a data pad. He looked up and smiled as she stirred. "Feeling better, lass?"

Teyla returned the smile. She remembered how she had been confused by the term at first, and had finally asked Carson what 'lass' meant. He'd stammered and blushed a bit, but finally told her that it was a term of affection. He also said that she reminded him a lot of his younger sister. Well, he certainly was acting like a protective older brother now, just as he had after her first disastrous attempt to connect with the Wraith.

"I am, Carson. Thank you. You didn't have to wait for me like this, though."

"I was concerned when you left so quickly. You were being strong for your people and trying to help them get through this, but no one was trying to help you." He looked at her earnestly. "I thought you might need a shoulder to cry on."

Once again, he'd seen straight to the heart of the matter. A leader was there for her people, but who was there for the leader? She appreciated his concern. "I will miss Charin very much," Teyla said honestly. "But I will be well. Perhaps we can share good memories of her, though."

"Any time. I'm honored that you trusted me to care for her."

Teyla looked closely at the doctor. Carson had dark circles under his eyes and he looked drained. "How are you doing?" she asked.

"Me?" He sounded honestly surprised that she wanted to know. "I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"I know how much you hate to lose someone under your care," Teyla observed. "You take every death personally."

"Yes. Teyla..." Carson hesitated and looked uncomfortable. "I'm afraid I was a bit out of line. Charin -- and anyone else for that matter -- had every right to refuse treatment. I shouldn't have tried to impose my own values on her."

"Why did you?" She was curious.

He exhaled deeply. "That's a good question. Many reasons, I think, but the main one was selfish. You're right that I don't like losing people -- there are still nights when I wake up and wonder what I could have done differently, even for patients I saw years ago. It's easier to try not to let anyone die than it is to turn off the wondering." Carson's expression said eloquently how impossible both things actually were for him.

Teyla looked at the physician quizzically. "Charin was an old woman. Was it not that which ultimately caused her death, rather than anything you did or did not do?"

"Yes, but..."

"So you should not blame yourself."

The doctor looked down. "I know. It's just that... I've always believed that all life is sacred. It's part of my religion, but it goes much deeper than that for me. And some things I've seen and done since we got here... well, let's just say that I blame myself even more when someone dies." He looked up again, and Teyla was struck by the pain in his blue eyes. "I'm sorry -- I let my feelings get in the way of my duty to Charin."

"Carson, this is not a belief you need to apologize for. I think it is better to care too greatly than not enough." When he hesitated, she said firmly. "Charin would have said the same thing. Probably after scolding you for worrying too much."

That got a grin out of the Scot. "Aye, she sounds like my mum. Tough as nails, but softhearted."

Teyla laughed quietly. "Yes, I think that's a description she would agree with."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When they returned to the city, she walked with Carson back to the infirmary. Despite his calm demeanor, she was concerned that he was still tormenting himself. Teyla realized that helping to support another had allowed her to deal with her own pain, and she couldn't help but wonder if Carson had realized that, too.

"There you are!" Rodney proclaimed as they entered the medical bay. "Look at this!" He waved around a hand with a small scratch on it. "See what your girlfriend did?"

Next to him, Laura Cadman crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, if you hadn't tried to grab the videotape, this wouldn't have happened."

"You were threatening to post a video of me dancing on the intranet. What did you think I was going to do?"

Carson rolled his eyes and whispered to Teyla. "Thanks, love. I can handle it from here."

She had no doubt about that.


	86. Chapter 86

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Origins

Your conversation with Griffin right before the crash was interesting. He had a good point, you know. Most of what we do here probably will be disproved eventually. Hopefully with slightly different results than when Gallileo tried to disprove the Church's theory about celestial mechanics.

By the way, I had no idea your family came from Barcelona.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Origins

Speak for yourself and for the voodoo practitioners in the infirmary. How the hell did you hear that conversation, anyway? Were you eavesdropping on our frequency? Maybe I'm not assigning you enough work to do.

And of course I'm not from Barcelona, you idiot.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Origins

No need to get snippy. Plenty of brilliant scientists come from that area, so I assumed that you might have, too.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Origins

I get it now. You're trying to use flattery to make me forget that you were the one who certified the jumper flight-ready. Next time YOU can crash into the ocean. I don't care how much you hate to fly.


	87. Chapter 87

_A/N: Thanks to Vecturist for the information about Galileo's daughter_

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**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Flattery and flying

I cannot swim, and that is why I did not want to fly in the jumper over water. There, now you know. I suppose you will proceed to humiliate me in front of the entire science section.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Flattery, flying, and swimming

You can't swim? You do know we're living in a city in the middle of the ocean, right? Anyway, I'll forego the public humiliation if you agree to take swimming lessons. Sheppard or Lorne would probably be willing to teach you.

By the way, did you know that Galileo's daughter was a nun? Seems as if daddy locked her up in there so she wouldn't cause him any trouble. Don't tempt me to do something similar.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Shanghai surprise

Errr... sorry for twisting your arm to get you to accompany me on the jumper. For whatever it's worth, Elizabeth and I both think you did a great job, buddy.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Pressed into service

Just to be perfectly clear, I did it because Elizabeth asked me to. Your implied threats were irrelevant.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Pressed into service

Ouch. You're still pissed at me, aren't you. Think of how much you would have missed Rodney's sparkling wit and personality if he had drowned.

On second thought, don't bother. Just remember that women think heroic guys are sexy, if you know what I mean.


	88. Chapter 88

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Rescue

I know John has already thanked you for your role in Dr. McKay's rescue, but I wanted to give you my personal thanks as well. You're a brave man, to overcome your fears like that.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Rescue

Liz showed me the memo she wrote to you. See? I told you women think heroic guys are sexy.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Self-diagnosis

I heard some of the voice recordings from your time in the jumper. (Aye, I didn't know that the jumpers had recorders either.) I'm impressed at your attempts to diagnose your altered mental status -- I didn't think you paid enough attention to "voodoo" to even attempt that. For future reference, though, it probably wasn't hypoxia. Sounds more like nitrogen narcosis, aptly called "the rapture of the deep." Among other things, hallucinations are quite common.

Don't feel bad, son. Happens all the time. And Colonel Carter will never know, anyway.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Hallucinations

Oh, God. How many other people heard that? Remember Radek and his damn videotape? The blackmail potential of this may be too good for him to pass up!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Hallucinations

How could I forget? I was on the blasted tape, too. I wouldn't worry, though. I confiscated the voice recording early in your rambling.

By the way, that reminds me. Next time you're stuck in a small space with a limited air supply, you might not want to talk to yourself so much. Keep oxygen consumption to a minimum.


	89. Chapter 89

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Hallucinations

Have I ever told you that your bedside manner is truly a wonder to behold? It explains some of your more surprising successes. The patients got well because they couldn't wait to get away from you.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Hallucinations

Whatever works. And yes, you have told me that many times before. Perhaps you're getting senile.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Rodney McKay and Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Play nicely

Now, boys. Didn't your mothers ever tell you that if you couldn't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all?

P.S. (Rodney, you really should be careful about where you leave your memo printouts. Someone like me might come along and read your mail.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Colonel Carter

All kidding aside, Rodney. I know that your experiences in the jumper were extremely stressful for you. You'd be surprised what your subconscious can come up with when faced with impending death. (Psychology may be a "soft" science, but it has its moments.)

Anyway, I know you won't talk to Kate about this. I'm around if you need a friendly ear. And I have one last bottle of single malt Scotch hidden away. Consider it "alternative medicine" if you like.


	90. Chapter 90

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Samantha Carter

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Leadership

I know you'll never actually get this memo (mainly because I'm going to delete it), but I'm writing it anyway. Now, I know what you're probably thinking. You're thinking that I'm going to embarrass you again by saying that I want to have your children, or something. Well, I'm not going to do that. (But not because it isn't true.) No, I'm writing this memo because I recently came close to drowning when my puddlejumper crashed into the ocean, and I wanted to tell you more about the genius that is McKay. In case it ever happens again, you understand.

Just kidding. Actually, though, I do want to tell you what happened to me down there. Faced with the prospect of a watery grave, my subconscious came up with a truly brilliant solution. It hallucinated someone to help me, someone almost as smart as me. That's right, it hallucinated you in the jumper. And may I say, you looked incredibly sexy in that cute bikini of yours...

But I digress.

Between the two of us --- I mean between me and my hallucination -- we managed to figure out ways for me to survive until rescue came in the form of Sheppard and Zelenka. (I'm still going to kick his ass, though. The man can't even swim!) While we were down there, you told me that I was "petty, arrogant, and bad with people." And since you were a manifestation of my subconscious...

... I guess I thought you might be right. Carson said that the mind can come up with strange things when faced with impending death, and I suppose mine was trying to tell me something. So, as long as I'm baring my soul here, I might as well go all the way, so to speak. In the end, it wasn't anything I did that saved my life. The one solution I tried made things worse. And when Sheppard and Zelenka came knocking at my door, I almost blew them off as figments of my imagination. It was you who told me that I needed to trust and let people help me.

It was a true example of leadership.

You know what? I think I'm going to take Carson up on his offer. If I'm being this introspective, I obviously need a drink. Probably something to eat, too.


	91. Brief Interlude 8

The hesitant knock at Carson Beckett's door surprised him for a couple of reasons. First, people rarely knocked in Atlantis. They used their ATA gene to trigger the Ancient version of a doorbell or pressed a button to trigger a jury-rigged set of chimes. Knocking -- not so much. Secondly, Carson wasn't expecting anyone to come looking for him at this hour. The infirmary was quiet and no teams were offworld.

He sighed as he got up from his couch. He'd been listening to a CD of Beethoven with his feet propped up on the coffee table, and had covered himself with a tartan blanket his mother had knitted. A few more minutes, and he'd have fallen asleep. Hopefully this would be a brief interruption.

As he walked over to it, Carson mentally signaled the door to open. The look on the face of the person standing outside immediately wiped away all thoughts of sleep. "Rodney?" the physician asked gently. He motioned for his friend to come in.

But Rodney didn't move. He just stood on the threshold, looking lost. His eyes were bloodshot and filled with an intense sadness, and he leaned against the wall as if it were the only thing keeping him from collapsing. Obviously the sarcastic banter in his recent memos was an attempt to hide how he was really feeling. Carson enjoyed the lively back-and-forth, but knew that there was trouble when it stopped.

He grasped Rodney's elbow and steered him inside. "Sit down, lad," Carson said, firmly pushing him down onto the couch. As he did so, his fingers sought Rodney's pulse. It was strong and rapid, and Carson exclaimed, "You look like you've seen a ghost, man! What happened?"

The physicist gave a short, humorless laugh. "Interesting choice of words. I just left the lab after writing a memo to the subject of my hallucinations. Next best thing to a ghost, I suppose."

"Ah." Carson left the room for a minute and returned with a tin of shortbread and a small bottle of amber liquid. He poured the liquid into two glasses and handed one of them and the shortbread to Rodney. "Tell me," he said simply.

Rodney wrapped his hands around the glass and didn't say anything for a minute or two. "You know, I really didn't think anyone would come," he finally admitted.

"Aye. It must have been horrible, waiting for a rescue that might not happen in time." The physician was familiar with Rodney's non-linear thought processes, so he patiently waited for Rodney to make the connection between waiting for rescue and writing to an hallucination.

"No, you don't understand. I didn't think anyone would want to come."

Carson was horrified. "Where did you get that crazy idea from?" he demanded. "Are you taking lessons from Colonel John "I'm Expendable" Sheppard?"

That earned him a slight smile. "It's a matter of practicality. One jumper, could be anywhere within a several hundred mile radius. Add to that the distinct possibility that a rescue jumper could suffer the same fate, and..."

"And you're still a daft bugger!"

"Again with the bedside manner!" Rodney smirked.

Carson fought the urge to shake some sense into his friend. He sipped his drink while trying to figure out what to say. "You don't think your presence would be missed?" he asked softly.

"Of course it would, but Zelenka can handle things almost as well as I can. Don't tell him I said that, though. I'm still pissed at him."

"Why the hell are you pissed at the man who helped save your life?" The physician was beginning to wonder if Rodney were suffering some delayed decompression effects, and he almost reached over to take the alcohol away.

"Because he's the reason I wound up down there!" Rodney tersely explained the sequence of events that led to his entrapment on the ocean floor. Carson winced, knowing of the other man's claustrophobia, and decided against pushing the issue.

"That still doesn't explain why people wouldn't want to rescue you," he pointed out.

The physicist gestured vaguely. "You know... crazy McKay, blows up solar systems. Better off without him. At least Carter..."

Rodney's voice trailed off, and Carson seized the opening. "At least Carter what?" When Rodney didn't reply, he added, "Why did you hallucinate Colonel Carter? Why not someone like Zelenka -- he'd know the jumpers better."

Sounding more like himself, Rodney snapped, "Now, psychological voodoo isn't my thing, but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that Zelenka's not an attractive blonde!" He scowled and popped a cookie into his mouth. Then, in a much lower voice, he muttered, "And Zelenka's had to save my ass too many times already. Doranda, the whole body-switching thing..."

"So?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Carson took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "It means, so what if Radek's helped you out of a jam? You've undoubtedly done the same thing for him and everyone else in the city, for that matter!"

"Yes, but that's my job. I'm expected to do that," Rodney said.

"And Radek isn't? I think you're selling him short, my friend."

Rodney snorted and looked down at his feet. "Petty, arrogant, and bad with people... that's me."

By now, Carson was thoroughly confused. They had started with Rodney writing memos to imaginary people, proceeded through the crazy notion that the expedition team would rather leave the scientist to drown than try to rescue him, and ended up with Rodney's belief that he should always save everyone else's bum without ever needing saving in return. The physician knew that he was an intelligent man, but he wasn't at the level where he could follow the twists and turns of Rodney's logic. Indeed, his own train of thought was in danger of derailing.

Then he realized what was going on. It was less a matter of logic than of guilt and self-doubt.

Carson chose his words carefully. "Rodney, Griffin's death wasn't your fault."

"What? What are you talking about? How am I supposed to follow this conversation if you keep jumping from one thing to another?" Rodney tried to sound blustery, but he was unable to meet Carson's concerned eyes.

The Scot sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "There was no way you could have helped him. But that doesn't mean people shouldn't have tried to help you." This really was Kate's domain, but Carson couldn't bear to turn away someone who was so obviously suffering.

"Damn it, why did he DO that!" Rodney burst out. "He had to know that the bulkhead doors would close before he got there."

"If he hadn't done anything, both of you would have died. This way, at least, one person survived." The physicist got up and started to pace, but Carson wasn't finished. "It was his choice, and we'll honor him for it. But don't you see? He's probably part of the reason you hallucinated Samantha Carter."

"Yeah?" Rodney looked interested in spite of himself.

"She's in another galaxy. Couldn't possibly put herself in danger, could she?"

"And the rest of the reason?"

Carson tried to hide a smile. "Well, there is the attractive blonde factor."

"Right." Rodney stared at his glass morosely, then downed the contents in a single swallow. "To Griffin."

"To Griffin," the physician echoed.

Rodney walked to the window and stared out over the dark ocean for a long time. "Seems so peaceful now," he finally said. Then he shook his head and put his glass down. "Thanks, Carson. For... you know." He waved his hand in a vague gesture.

"Aye. Now scram, lad. Both of us need to sleep. Doctor's orders," he added with mock sternness.

"Yes, yes." Obviously Rodney was at least starting to feel better, because the snark was returning. "And if I can't, I can always try counting sheep."


	92. Chapter 92

A/N: I'm afraid this episode made my mind descend into the gutter... :-)

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**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Rodney McKay and Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Captain Kirk

Not a word about the women, you hear me? Not one damn word.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Captain Kirk

I wasn't even thinking about that. But now that you mention it, I think you're losing your touch, Colonel. She only threw herself at you that one time, and then she was willing to betray you to that bald idiot! So much for your vaunted reputation.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Captain Kirk

Don't worry, Rodney. She wasn't your type, either. Besides, we wouldn't want Colonel Carter to get jealous of another blonde, would we?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Captain Kirk

Why would I say something? I'm just the Chief Medical Officer. It's not like I care about your well-being or anything like that. Besides, I'm not the one that's going to be getting the embarrassing tests.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Captain Kirk

Just as long as you don't call me a "wee man."


	93. Chapter 93

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Services rendered

Just remember: this is why we should never give medical technology to just anyone. And I'm officially never going through the gate with you again. What have I told you about offering other people's services?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Services rendered

Come on, you know you love it. You got to take care of a local VIP and use really big words when talking to his idiot relatives. Doesn't that make up for almost getting killed and for having your gene therapy used for nefarious purposes?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Services rendered

No. I'm just bloody lucky that there are no ambulance chasers in the Pegasus galaxy. Taking care of an offworld dignitary just before he died probably wouldn't look good in court.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Dealings with other civilizations

Just a thought, here. If people from a local village tell you that something is dangerous and should be avoided, you might want to actually listen to them. Even if they don't have cool technology or open-minded women.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Dealings with other civilizations

For once, you're right. But at least that Baldric guy was a good sport about it.


	94. Chapter 94

A/N: With apologies to Monty Python. :-evil grin-:

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**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Planetary government

I'm fascinated by the government these people developed. Were they Ancients at one time, or did the Ancients mate with their ancestors? It's strange that knowledge of what the "Throne Chair" really was didn't survive over time.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Rodney McKay and Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Planetary government

Well, as far as I'm concerned, their government sucked. It was based on a genetic accident. As far as I'm concerned, it's about as valid as... King Arthur and his Round Table!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Planetary government

You mean something along the lines of: "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government"?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Rodney McKay and Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Planetary government

Exactly. "You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!"

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Planetary government

"Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Planetary government

Enough with the Monty Python! You two are such children.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Rodney McKay and Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Planetary government

Help, help, I'm being repressed!


	95. Chapter 95

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Monty Python

We're lucky Carson didn't turn that Lord Protector guy into a newt! (It's not outside the realm of possibility with gene therapy.) He definitely wouldn't have gotten better, and then we would have been in real trouble.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Monty Python

Jeez, do both of you know that movie by heart?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Monty Python

Well, you knew enough to understand exactly what we were talking about!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Monty Python

That's a fair cop. :-)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Etiquette

Hey, we finally found people with worse table manners than you!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Offworld rules

Now what have I told you about randomly killing people who piss you off? Control yourself, man!


	96. Chapter 96

A/N: Word to the wise. Never try to work on a poster presentation, a research manuscript, two grant applications, and three stories at the same time. It won't go well. That being said, here's the next installment, in which I mercilessly make fun of "The Long Goodbye." :-)

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**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Remind me never to piss you off

I'm never going to argue with you about football again!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Remind me never to piss you off

Oh, God! I can't believe what we just did. We tried to kill each other and everyone else, too! AND I KISSED YOU IN PUBLIC!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Public displays of affection

I can't believe you consider those to be equally bad! Look on the bright side, though. We can keep everyone off-balance. Half the people in the city will think we're sleeping together, and the other half will think I'm using it to cover for a relationship with Rodney. (From the look on Caldwell's face, I think I can guess which camp he's in.)

Zelenka's probably started taking bets already. If we play our cards right, we could win big time.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Relationships

Are you sleeping with her?


	97. Chapter 97

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Relationships

See attached memo from Caldwell. Nobody ever accused him of being subtle.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Relationships

I assure you, Colonel, that I am not, as you put it, "sleeping with her." I'm surprised that you would even suggest that, sir. You don't normally pay attention to base gossip.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Relationships

Hah! Now he'll poke around trying to find the source of the rumor, which will fuel the rumor mill even further. I'm probably enjoying this way too much.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Halon

You're on my apology list, too, Carson. Sorry for the stun blast... and for the rest of the trouble as well. What would the halon gas have done if Phebus had released it?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Who's crazy now?

Now you know how I felt when Cadman was stuck in my head. Right down to the "involuntary" kiss. Don't worry, it'll only take about three weeks for the teasing to die down.


	98. Chapter 98

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Who's crazy now?

Oh, that's just great. As if I don't have enough to worry about. I have to apologize to Caldwell for calling him "hopeless" and Carson for almost giving him more patients than he would know what to do with. Also, Ronon's probably going to kill me for shooting him.

Come to think of it, you've probably got some damage control to do, too.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Relationships

Oh, good. Um, I mean, I'm glad that your working relationship won't suffer.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Relationships

Of course, not, sir. I'm a professional.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Halon gas

Let's see... the effects of halon exposure. Little things like dizziness, confusion... and sudden cardiac death. Nasty stuff, indeed.

Apology accepted, though. Even though you're the second senior staff member to beat me up while under alien influence. Can we please stop that?


	99. Chapter 99

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Alien influence

I'll certainly pass the message along, Carson. But you might want to start carrying a tranquilizer gun, just in case.

Just kidding...

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Rumor mill

What the hell did you say to Caldwell? He's giving me the strangest looks.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Rumor mill

I didn't tell him anything! All I said was that we weren't sleeping together. He got really thoughtful after that. Maybe he's interested in you...

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Rumor mill

My God, John, don't even joke about that! Talk about sending the rumor mill into overdrive! Although, he can be quite charming when he wants to be. I don't trust him.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Leadership

For the record, I still think I was the one who should have been in charge. And I really didn't appreciate your sending me to the control room to potentially die a horrible death. But... that being said, your handling of the situation as a whole was tolerable.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Leadership

Really? I thought you told Dr. Weir I did a good job.


	100. Atlantis XTreme

_A/N: Well, folks, with all the memos and interludes, this is officially the 100th chapter of Memoranda. I wanted to do something special, but couldn't decide what. Then I thought,"What would SG-1 do?" ;-)_

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John sighed happily as he reached the rec room and found it empty. He'd recently received a care package from General O'Neill, and there were a couple of DVDs that he was dying to watch on the big screen TV. John didn't know why O'Neill had taken it upon himself to look out for him, but he wasn't going to argue!

Hopefully Rodney would get here soon with some of the new supply of popcorn. John himself had already brought the beer. For their viewing pleasure, he'd also brought the DVD of the first season of a new spin-off of Wormhole X-Treme, called El Dorado X-Treme. Something about a group of adventurers looking for the lost city of El Dorado, which ended up being in a different galaxy. It promised to be good. And even if it wasn't, it was worth it to watch Rodney squirm when he admitted to wanting to see the show.

He heard footsteps in the hall and smiled. But it wasn't Rodney who entered the room. Elizabeth slipped furtively inside, holding a book close to her chest. She was looking down at the floor, and obviously didn't notice John.

"What's up, doc?" he drawled.

She actually jumped a few feet upon hearing him. "Don't do that to me!" she exclaimed when she was finally able to catch her breath. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

John smirked. "Should I be calling Beckett, then?" His eyes fell on the book she was carrying. "What's that?"

"Nothing, really," she said cautiously, blushing slightly and trying to hide the title from him.

"Oh, come on. Do you really think I'm buying that?" He craned his neck to look at the cover. "The Viscount's Wicked Ways? Oh, my. Elizabeth, are you reading trashy romance novels?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What if I am? Is there something wrong with that?"

"Oh, no. Not at all!" John said, trying valiantly not to snicker but failing. At her glare, he hastened to add, "It's just that it doesn't fit into my 'scholarly' image of you."

"So I'm a geek now, is that it?" Elizabeth asked. She sounded miffed, but her eyes twinkled. She was having at least as much fun needling him as he was teasing her.

John held up his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, okay! I'll stop. But why'd you come in here if you didn't want anyone to see you reading it?"

"I like this room," she confessed. "It reminds me a bit of my grandfather's study from when I was a little girl. I used to curl up in there with a book and read for hours. Helped me hide from my incredibly annoying older brothers, too."

The colonel raised an eyebrow. "What did you do when they found you?"

Now it was Elizabeth's turn to smirk. "Yelled at them in four different languages. They never knew what I was saying, of course, so they had to go look it up. By the time they figured it out and got mad, I was long gone."

John shook his head, not quite certain who he should feel sorry for. "Well, Rodney and I were going to watch a DVD. But if you want to stay, your secret is safe with me."

"And what secret is that, lad?" Carson and Laura Cadman walked into the room. Laura was carrying a deck of cards, and Carson held two coffee mugs.

John sighed inwardly. So much for having the rec room to himself. "If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret," he snarked.

"Ach, Colonel. Surely you don't think I'd tell anyone? Confidentiality and all that." The physician tried to look self-righteous, and Laura laughed at him.

Elizabeth stepped in to change the subject. "What were you and Rodney planning to watch?"

John grinned. "Right after we left, Wormhole X-Treme spun off a new show called El Dorado X-Treme. I figured I'd enjoy the action, and Rodney could make fun of the physics to his heart's content."

"Mind if we join you?" Elizabeth asked.

"Aye! I'd love to make fun of the biology and medicine, too!" Carson said happily.

John shrugged. "Sure, why not. Rodney should be here with the popcorn any minute. Knowing him, he made enough for half the city, so we should be fine." He made an executive decision not to mention the beer. "In fact... someone call Teyla and Ronon, too."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I don't understand, Sheppard," Ronon said, with a vaguely disgruntled expression on his face. He'd been pulled away from the commissary by the promise of popcorn. "This is one of those programs on the box that people look at all day?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it," agreed John.

"Didn't you say that most people on your planet do not know of the Stargate? How, then, were they able to make a program like this? And why do your leaders allow it to be shown if they wish to keep the secret?" Teyla was once again perplexed at the behavior of her human friends.

"It's fiction, Teyla," explained Elizabeth. "It's not about the real Stargate program. Our government uses it for plausible deniability."

"I see," Teyla replied, although she didn't.

John jumped back into the conversation. "The main characters are the members of El Dorado's flagship exploration team. The leader is a military guy, a Colonel Kirk Johnson."

Rodney added helpfully. "He's kind of a maverick, and definitely a ladies' man."

John smirked at his friend. "The science geek of the team is Dr. Brian Jones. He's Canadian, and a total dork." Now it was Elizabeth who had to hide a grin as their own Canadian scientist scowled at their own military leader. John pretended not to notice Rodney's ire, and continued, "Rounding out the team are two alien allies -- Leeta Treyala and Ranulf Dar."

Elizabeth cleared her throat. "Aren't you forgetting some people?" she asked amusedly.

"Right, of course! Leading the entire expedition is Dr. Maggie Davis. She's a diplomat, and very very good at negotiating for what she wants."

Rodney finished off the character litany with relish. "Lastly, there's a doctor who runs his domain with an iron fist. Dr. Angus Macdonald, pride of Scotland and scourge of sheep. Kind of a chicken, though."

Carson muttered something that sounded like, "Bugger off."

Ronon just grunted. "Seems awfully familiar to me..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh, I can't believe this!" yelled Rodney. "Who wrote this crap? Those annoying kids on M7G-677 could have come up with better science!"

John didn't say anything at first. Mainly because he was laughing too hard. Finally he managed to get out, "Dr. Jones switching bodies with a female soldier? Sounds almost like you and Cadman!" He cracked up again.

"It's not the same thing at all! Two consciousnesses in one body is possible with Wraith technology, albeit somewhat implausible. But body-swapping? They lifted that straight from Star Trek!"

"Aye!" Carson protested. "Biologically impossible! And Laura never acted that brazenly. Kissing me with your body was one thing. She never would have jumped in bed with me like that." He blushed scarlet and Laura gave him a friendly shove.

"Carson, you are such a prude!" the physicist snapped.

"Look on the bright side, McKay," John snickered. "At least the woman in Jones' body didn't go psycho and try to kill her real body, like in Star Trek."

"And you call me a geek! What, do you have all the old Star Trek episodes memorized?" Rodney sneered.

Elizabeth had found the show rather boring, but she was enjoying watching her friends' reactions to it. Teyla was wearing her best "Earth people are weird" look, and Ronon had appropriated the last of the popcorn when no one was looking. Carson looked like he wished people would forget he was there, and Laura seemed to be having fun watching her CO and former "host" snark at each other.

"Let's watch another episode," she suggested. "Maybe you guys will like it better."

John and Rodney bickered for awhile, but they eventually settled on an episode about a giant bomb. The bomb might be the key to destroying the main enemy of El Dorado, creatures called Goblins. At the end of the episode, Rodney once again complained about the sheer wrongness of the physics behind it.

"You're just jealous because Jones blew up part of a galaxy and you only took out part of a solar system," was John's reply.

"Five-sixths," Rodney mumbled. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"

"Play nicely, boys," Elizabeth chided. Laura coughed to hide her laughter.

"I think it's my turn to choose, now," Rodney huffed. It didn't take him long to pick. He selected an episode in which a certain genetic trait was used by a society to maintain their ruling class. Since Colonel Johnson had the gene, he was pursued by a horde of women who wanted to have his children.

John made a face at his friend after it was over, but all he said was, "Hey, at least you didn't pick the one with the insects. I hate those bugs!"

Elizabeth stood up and stretched. She wished she could stay longer, but she really should be finishing her report before Colonel Caldwell arrived on the Daedalus. "Leaving so soon, love?" Carson asked her.

She nodded regretfully. "No rest for the wicked, I'm afraid."

"I should probably go, too," Teyla said, a little too quickly. She looked relieved to be getting away. "How about you, Ronon?"

"Uhhh... maybe we can spar together," Ronon said, flashing her a grateful look.

John sprawled on the sofa, taking over Elizabeth's spot. He gave her an impudent grin. "Sure you don't want to stick around? We can watch the one where Dr. Davis and Colonel Johnson get possessed and beat the crap out of each other."

"Sounds tempting, but I think I'll pass," Elizabeth said dryly. "You wouldn't be wanting to watch it for the possibility of a certain kiss, would you?"

"No!" John said with mock horror.

"Too bad," she replied, winking. "It's the closest you're ever going to get."


	101. Chapter 101

_A/N: I'm changing the way I number the chapters. On the old scale, this would be "Memo 92", but that was getting too confusing. Since this is the 101st actual chapter, that's what I'm calling it..._

_Now, on to Coup D'Etat snark!_

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**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Performance in the field

Congratulations, Rodney! Your almost-stunning-people skills are getting much better. Your hand signals still suck, though.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Performance in the field

Yes, well, way to walk us right into an ambush!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Major Marcus Lorne

**CC**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: ATA gene

Do I even want to know what sort of "samples" Ladon got from you and your boys?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Major Marcus Lorne

**RE**: ATA gene

No...

I take it back; it wasn't too bad. Blood, skin, etc. Nothing horrifically invasive. Doc Beckett's done worse.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Major Marcus Lorne

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: ATA gene

I heard that!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Major Marcus Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: ATA gene

I'm guessing you didn't mean to hit "reply all."


	102. Chapter 102

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Major Marcus Lorne

**RE**: ATA gene

Aw, shit. Of course I didn't mean to hit "reply all." I don't suppose he'll believe I've suddenly vanished?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Major Marcus Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: ATA gene

Nope! You're screwed.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Good thinking

I've been meaning to ask you, John. Why didn't you ever join Mensa?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Good thinking

Are you kidding? It would have ruined my cool image. Besides, it's so much more fun this way. I get to watch Rodney foam at the mouth every time I mention it.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Good thinking?

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother asking...


	103. Chapter 103

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Major Marcus Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: ATA gene

I wouldn't worry too much, Major. Someone (probably McKay) is bound to piss him off even worse in the next day or two, so you'll be off the hook

-

-.

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Pegasus Galaxy's Most Wanted

So, after all that's happened, are you still jealous of Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Pegasus Galaxy's Most Wanted

I may not have the gene of the Ancestors, but I can still do plenty of damage.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Pegasus Galaxy's Most Wanted

Don't worry, Ronon. I still think you're dangerous.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Pegasus Galaxy's Most Wanted

Thank you.


	104. Chapter 104

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Professional jealousy

Better be careful, champ. Laden's getting almost as good as you at building weapons of mass destruction.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Professional jealousy

Oh, shut up, Lieutenant Colonel Errand-Boy. If you had just hit him a little harder last year, this wouldn't be an issue.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Professional jealousy

Now, now. Is that any way to talk about our new ally?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Professional jealousy

Considering that this "ally" practically had to flip a coin to decide whether or not to blow us up, I'd say yes!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Professional jealousy

Oh, don't take things so personally.


	105. Chapter 105

A/N: Yes, yes, I know it's been awhile since I've updated this. I've been wickedly busy in real life, what with changing jobs and moving from Pittsburgh to Rochester. I've also had trouble figuring out what sorts of memos to write for this episode. They won't be very funny, since there wasn't much funny about the episode in general.

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**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Michael

I'm very glad it's over. I was not comfortable lying to Michael. It made me feel... dirty.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Michael

Don't forget, we thought we might be making things better for him! And may I remind you that he tried to feed on you when he found out the truth? Why is it wrong to lie to someone who's an enemy?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Michael

You mean the same way you and Dr. Weir were less than completely truthful to my people when they thought we were spies?

No, Colonel. I realize that we had to test Dr. Beckett's retrovirus. But I think the way we did it was wrong. And Michael was correct -- this was never about helping him. If nothing else, we need to be honest with ourselves.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Michael

I'm very glad it's over. He could have eaten my face off right there in the cafeteria!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Michael

Stuffing his face by eating yours? Get real, McKay.


	106. Chapter 106

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Michael

That's not the same thing, and you know it.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Michael

Isn't it? I'm sure the good Sergeant Bates would have wanted to give me the retrovirus, had it been available at the time.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Michael

Okay, now that just sounds paranoid. Get some sleep, Teyla. Heck, we could probably all use some.

And that reminds me -- when was the last time anyone saw Beckett?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Michael

How're you holding up, doc?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Michael

You've got some serious anger management issues, buddy. I think we need to work on that...


	107. Chapter 107

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Anger management

You mentioned that after we met the little Wraith girl, too. I'll say it again: you can improve their table manners, but we're still the food. Doc's good, but he's not gonna change that.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Face eating

Fine, mock my perfectly reasonable concern over having a hungry and pissed-off Wraith sitting at the same table with me.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Face eating

You went over to him, if I recall. And he wasn't really pissed until you and Ronon made him suspicious that something was going on. So you've got no one but yourselves to blame.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Michael

You're not answering me, Carson. How are you feeling?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Michael

With all due respect, Colonel, how do you think I'm feeling? I let myself get caught up in an experiment that was morally questionable at best, flat-out lied to someone under my care, and caused pain in the name of almighty Science. Then someone died because of it. Elizabeth's telling me that I was "only following orders" really doesn't make me any less culpable.

I think it's safe to say that this hasn't exactly been a bloody stroll in the park for me.


	108. Chapter 108

**MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett, Teyla Emmagen, Ronon Dex, Dr. Kate Heightmeyer

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Michael

I wanted to thank everyone for their hard work over the last few weeks. I know it's been a difficult time for all of us. Carson, you especially have been physically and emotionally pushing yourself to the limit, and it hasn't gone unnoticed.

Although things didn't work out the way we hoped, we still learned quite a bit. And while many of you blame yourselves for the outcome of recent events, in the end it was my call. This is by no means an attempt to deny your feelings of responsibility, but I hope that it allows you to sleep a little better at night.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Michael

You're right; it was a stupid question. I'm sorry.


	109. Chapter 109

A/N: I'm going to hurry through these next few memos so I can get to Season 3! And now for Inferno, which I think was the funniest ep of Season 2... :-)

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**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Ancient hyperdrives

Way to go with the hyperspace window, McKay! You managed to pull another brilliant idea out of your butt... I mean, you thought of an innovative solution at the last possible moment. I admit to thinking that we weren't going to make it, but I'm really happy you proved me wrong.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Tiranian resettlement

We missed you this evening, Rodney! The Tiranians are leaving tomorrow, going through the gate to their new planet, and Elizabeth wanted to have a small reception to wish them well. Norina in particular was looking for you.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Infirmary blues

I almost forgot. Carson wanted me to tell you to go down to the infirmary when you get a chance. He wants to do some lung function tests after we breathed in all that volcanic crap, and he's not going to be happy if you pull a no-show.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Are you there?

Um, Rodney?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**:

I'm so not talking to you right now.


	110. Chapter 110

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Silent treatment

What did I do?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Silent treatment

Oh, please. "Well, the planet didn't blow up by itself!" Making fun of me in front of Norina -- very sporting of you. And now Elizabeth's ragging on me, too! What did you say to her?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Silent treatment

Nothing! Well... er... I might have said that Norina was cute and you were attracted to her.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Silent treatment

Well, that's just wonderful. I guess it could have been worse. You could have told her I was pathetic, or something.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Moving right along

Right! How 'bout those Orion repairs?


	111. Chapter 111

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Moving right along

And that brings me to my next point. So much for Mr. "Let's Name it Later." Where the hell did you pull that one from?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Naming things

Let's not go there, all right? Too many bad memories.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Naming things

Yeah, there are, aren't there. In Ford's case, there was no brilliant solution waiting to be pulled out of anyone's nether regions. That's really gross, by the way.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: "Volcanic crap"

I believe I told Colonel Sheppard to remind you about the lung function studies I wanted. Don't be such a wee baby about it, there's nothing painful involved. And I wanted to ask you: did you flip me the bird when you were having "fingernail trouble" on the Orion?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**CC**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Primitive rituals

No, Carson. I would never do something like that. However, if I did, it might be because someone told me that my brilliant and lifesaving plans suck. (Right after bullying me into coming up with them to begin with!)

Now go away and leave me alone. You can practice your healing rituals on someone else.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**CC**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Primitive rituals

Well aren't you a cheeky little bastard today!

Actually, it's the both of you who are acting like schoolboys. Between that and always thinking that one or both of you is dead, you drive me insane. My nerves were never meant to handle you lads.


	112. Chapter 112

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members and Daedalus Crew

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Wraith coming again

As you all know by now, Dr. Zelenka sighted a Wraith hiveship approaching on the long range sensors. We're back in the same position we were almost exactly a year ago, with the Wraith coming and us with relatively little firepower. But there are several important differences. We have our friends and colleagues on the Daedalus, who have provided most timely assistance on several occasions. We also have the Orion. Hopefully a ship originally named for an Ancient general will help us win a more contemporary battle.

We have made many wonderful discoveries, and the city is incredible, but every one of you is also important. If needed, you should evacuate knowing that you did your best to defend our home. That's all.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Wraith coming again

Does this mean you'll stop giving me a hard time?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Wraith coming again

Maybe.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: And that's it for Season 2! I'm including Allies in Season 3, and memos should be coming soon..._


	113. Chapter 113

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: A sweet ship

Well, the Orion was fun while it lasted. I got to sit in the Captain's chair and order people around! What did you think?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: A sweet ship

Sorry, "Captain Kirk." No female ensigns in miniskirts for you to hit on. And I'm not Spock either!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: A sweet ship

Why not? That would make Zelenka Scotty and, heck, we aleady know who "Bones McCoy" is!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: A sweet ship

Oh, yes. I can just see it now. In this demented fantasy world of yours, Colonel, where do Elizabeth and Teyla fit in? If you make them scantily-clad space bimbos, they'll take turns kicking your ass!

Besides, in case you'd forgotten, we did blow up the "Enterprise." (And for the record, you should have let me name the ship that from the start.) Captain Kirk did that a few times, too– don't you make a habit of it!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: A sweet ship

You're just saying that because you're afraid Norina will be mad at you for destroying the ship!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: Thanks to river and koschka for coining the term "space bimbo" and writing so many funny stories using the term!_


	114. Chapter 114

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Blowing up ships

Me! Excuse me, I'm not the one who blew the ship up, Colonel "I like everything" Sheppard! If you recall, I was stuck in a cocoon on the hive ship with only Worf -- I mean Ronon -- for company.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: The Orion

Chancellor Lycus isn't going to be pleased with us for destroying his ship. Any thoughts on how to appease him? After all, you did have the… ear of his chief scientist.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: The Orion

Oh, I don't know about that. Rodney was the one she wanted to "work under." But I wouldn't worry about Lycus. Just remind him about a certain big-ass volcano if he gets too annoying.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Radek Zelenka and Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Flashing Wraith

Let me get this straight. The two of you actually flashed a Wraith with your labcoats? There's an image that will scar me for life, thank you very much.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Rodney McKay and Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Flashing Wraith

Don't be an ass. We were fully clothed under our jackets.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Rodney McKay and Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Flashing Wraith

Aye. Get your bloody mind out of the gutter! And don't tell me that working so closely with the Wraith didn't make you nervous, too.


	115. Chapter 115

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Radek Zelenka and Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Anxiety and flashing Wraith

Of course I was nervous! I was pretty sure we were going to die. (Stop laughing, Ronon. I know you're reading over my shoulder as I write this. Why don't you go annoy the kitchen staff, or something?)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Radek Zelenka, Carson Beckett, and Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Aggravation

Because it's much more fun to annoy you, McKay. Anyway, I already ate.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Radek Zelenka and Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Anxiety and flashing Wraith

Right! As I was saying before Captain Caveman interrupted, I was pretty damn scared. Are both of you okay? I'd hate to have to break in a new engineer, and Carson's medical minions are even less scientifically rigorous than he is.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Rodney McKay and Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Fakery

You are not fooling anyone, Rodney. You are big softy at heart. What will you pay me not to spread it around?


	116. Chapter 116

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Drs. Carson Beckett and Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Anxiety and flashing Wraith

Okay, something has to be wrong. Carson, you passed up a perfectly good opportunity to try to smack me down for the "medical minions" crack. (Not that you would have succeeded, of course. But you should have at least made the attempt.)

Now as for you, Radek, are you really starting the whole blackmail thing again? I thought we were done with that after a certain videotape.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Maj. Marcus Lorne

**RE**: Fieldwork

Yo, Dr. Z.! Nice try with the Orion. This is a few times now that I've worked with you in the field. I think we make a pretty decent team.

But what exactly did you call me just before we abandoned ship?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Maj. Marcus Lorne

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Fieldwork

A good team? I suppose. Despite breathing down my neck during battle, you are not as intimidating as Wraith scientist (or Rodney, for that matter), so I guess you're okay.

Hmm. I do not believe it would be conducive to good team relations to tell you what "do prdele" means….

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Gen. Hank Landry

**RE**: Bureaucrats for breakfast

Congratulations on your… unique handling of Woolsey and the IOA.


	117. Chapter 117

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Gen. Hank Landry

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Breakfast of champions

Why, thank you, General. As breakfasts go, I usually prefer scrambled eggs and toast, but this was still rather tasty. The look on Woolsey's face when I told him where to go (diplomatically speaking, of course) was just priceless.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Gen. Hank Landry

**RE**: Breakfast of champions

Whew! I'm glad you're on our side! And may I say that your most recent report was… interesting, to say the least. I'm glad you convinced Colonel Sheppard not to kill Woolsey. The paperwork would have been a nightmare.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Control chair

I meant what I said back on the Hive ship, Doc. You did a good job with the chair. Makes up for almost killing me with it three years ago.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Control chair

But I didn't do anything with it this time!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Control chair

Exactly.


	118. Chapter 118

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Control chair

Go ahead, kick me while I'm down. After all, it is what you do best, isn't it?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Control chair

What the hell?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Control chair

First you ignore everything I say about the rehumanized Wraith and try to leave them to feed on each other. Then you don't even trust me enough to tell me about the nuke you just happened to plant in our camp! I may not be the bravest man on this expedition, but did you really think I'd be unable to keep that secret?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Rehumanized Wraith

Okaaaay. First off, let me tell you what I told Rodney after the big storm. It's not a question of bravery. If someone tortures you -- physically or mentally -- eventually you're going to tell them what they want to know. Believe me; I've seen this firsthand. Regarding the nuke: what you don't know, you can't reveal. Period.

Secondly, I'm not going to apologize for wanting to get rid of the Wraith – even if they were in human form. You saw yourself how tenuous that human condition was. I know you felt responsible for them, but there's a reason you're in your profession and I'm in mine. Our ultimate goals may be similar, but our methods often differ. I am sorry if you see that as kicking you while you're down.

You shouldn't be blaming yourself about anything that happened. I know you won't listen to me, but I'll say it anyway.


	119. Chapter 119

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: City bulletin board

I was just thinking about that staff meeting. Can you imagine what Woolsey would say if he really knew what we talk about on our memo board?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: City bulletin board

He'd probably have a heart attack. And since General Landry asked me not to let you kill him, we probably shouldn't tell Woolsey about the memos.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: City bulletin board

Well, that sucks! General O'Neill had a much better sense of humor.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: City bulletin board

Riiiight. Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to thank you again for being willing to "defend my honor." Colonel Sheppard, a true knight in shining armor!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: City bulletin board

Are you making fun of me?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: City bulletin board

Of course not! Would I do something like that? Oh, wait: yes I would. Never mind….


	120. Brief Interlude 9

_A/N: Yes, I know it's been awhile. I think the muse is back on-line now, though... :-)_

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carson looked around the infirmary and sighed. It had been a week since the massacre of the humanized Wraith on that God-forsaken planet, but he was still having a hard time thinking of anything else. As was becoming routine when the retrovirus was involved, a situation that seemed under control had suddenly gone south. He'd found himself strapped to one of his own gurneys and mind-probed by Michael. Being made to feel like one of his own experimental animals was not an experience Carson wanted to repeat.

He really hadn't known anything about the nuclear bomb in the camp, either. He'd suspected that there would be another security measure, but in the end he'd been taken completely by surprise when Colonel Sheppard had ordered Rodney to set the thing off. It galled the physician to think that the colonel hadn't wanted to trust him with the information. What made it even worse was that Michael had figured it out anyway. Carson knew how Sheppard was likely to think and act, so the Wraith knew it, too.

However, despite his knowing Sheppard so well, Carson was still furious with the man. Not only did he cause such a great loss of (human!) life, but he'd also deprived Carson's team of useful data while doing so. (The physician wasn't sure which bothered him more, and he knew he'd be awake nights because of it.)

Hopefully a little distance from the events would help him develop a different outlook. That's why he had agreed to go offworld to M7G-677 and meet with some of the kids. At his last check-in, Keras had asked if some of his people could receive basic first aid training, and Carson was the most obvious choice of teacher. It would allow him to concentrate on something that didn't have weapons applications. And, more importantly, it wasn't a mission that would require Colonel Sheppard's presence.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elizabeth stood on the balcony outside her office, looking down at the team assembled on the gateroom floor. Major Lorne and his men were checking their gear, and Carson joined them as she watched. To be honest, she was worried about the CMO. He was angry and withdrawn, and hadn't said more than a few words to anyone since the fight with Michael and his... people.

"What'cha doing?" came the casual drawl from behind her, breaking through her pensiveness.

Elizabeth turned and smiled at her chief military officer. "I'm doing what I do best," she said. "I'm starting to worry about a team before they even step through the gate!"

"Oh? Who's going out today?"

"Major Lorne. He and his men are going to M7G-677 to inspect some of the new defense measures the kids came up with. Carson's going with them to teach basic medical skills."

The colonel frowned. "I thought my team was going to take care of that in a few days. Why drag Lorne out there? I'm sure there are better things for him to do here in the city."

Elizabeth bit her lip and avoided John's eyes. "Carson specifically requested it."

John sighed. "He's still mad at me. I wish I could make him understand why I had to do what I did. No matter how they looked, they were still a threat."

"You saw his face during the aerosol test," she said softly. "When Carson looks at the converted, he sees humans. There's an interesting Japanese proverb: When you save a man's life--"

"-- You become responsible for him. Yes, I know. And I know Carson feels that he's responsible for "humans" he created. But I can't let that interfere with protecting this city and the people in it!"

"Just give him some time," Elizabeth answered. "That's why I think it'll be good for him to go offworld for awhile. He'll come back with a new perspective… or at the very least some new face paint and hair ornaments." A smile curved up her lips as she thought of a very irate Dr. Zelenka after his return from his visit with the kids.

"Oh, great," John muttered. "He'll be even madder. My ass is sore just thinking about it…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John's footsteps unconsciously led him toward the infirmary. He knew he'd been harsh in his most recent memos to the Chief Medical Officer and he felt bad about it. In retrospect, he probably could have worded things a little differently. And although the physician obviously wasn't there right now, maybe there was something John could do in the infirmary to help out a bit and ease his guilt.

Judy Henning, the Chief of Nursing, was the only one there when he arrived. She studied him for a minute, then gave him an odd look. "You don't look injured, and you're not at death's door, so what brings you to the infirmary voluntarily?"

John rolled his eyes. "That's cute." Now that he was here, he wasn't quite sure how to explain himself. Judy probably didn't know all of the nuances in the disagreement between himself and her boss, and he certainly didn't care to elaborate. "I... um, wanted to see if I could give you guys a hand with anything. You know, provide an extra set of hands and all that..."

The nurse was nobody's fool. Carson must have told her something about recent events, and her eyes softened as she figured out John's intent. "Well, we did just get a fresh shipment of medical supplies on the Daedalus. I'm sure Dr. Beckett would appreciate it if we could get them inventoried and stored." She pointed towards an alcove that had boxes stacked from floor to ceiling. "When you get done with those, there are more in the cargo bay."

John tried not to cringe.

An hour later, part of him was regretting the impulse that had led him to the infirmary. He had no idea there were so many different types of bandage. Flat bandages, rolled bandages, all shapes and sizes. Someone with a weird sense of humor had even sent several boxes of Scooby-Doo band-aids. John made a mental note to use them to tease Rodney the next time the physicist made a hypochondriacal fuss.

As if John's thoughts had conjured him, Rodney stomped into the infirmary. "CARSON!" he bellowed angrily. "Do you know what Cadman did this time? She…" The physicist stopped his rant when he saw his friend sitting on the floor amidst assorted packages. "What exactly are you doing down there?"

"Beckett's not here," John answered, avoiding the question.

"Yes, I can see that," Rodney said, looking around. "So where is he? Looking for sheep to shear? Torturing lab mice? What?"

John gave him a disgusted look. "That's really in poor taste, Rodney. Carson's not here because he wanted to go offworld without us. And he wanted to go without us because he's upset about our blowing up the planet of ex-Wraiths. So I wouldn't be talking to him about tortured lab animals if I were you."

Rodney swallowed hard, and a series of emotions flickered across his face. "Oh," he said simply. "I didn't realize… I mean, I knew he was upset, but… Oh, hell." He didn't say anything for a long moment, then sighed and sat down.

Wordlessly, John handed him one of the boxes.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elizabeth hated to bother the infirmary staff for such a trivial reason. Still, she knew the protocol (she had helped draft it!), so she dutifully trekked to the infirmary to seek ibuprofen for her migraine. If Carson had been there, he would probably have scolded her for her habit of sitting hunched over the computer for hours on end. However, since he was conveniently offworld at the moment, she hoped to be able to get in and out quickly.

The sight of her ranking military officer and chief of science sitting on the floor sorting through containers made her stop, though. Elizabeth silently watched as John and Rodney unpacked medical supplies, arranged them on carts, and entered data on PDAs. What were they doing? Usually one of the Daedalus medics or junior physicians took care of this.

Judy Henning beckoned to her from across the room. Sparing one last glance at the two men on the floor, Elizabeth followed the nurse into an exam cubicle. She raised an eyebrow to inquire about what she had just witnessed, and Judy grinned. "Those two showed up a little while ago, looking for Carson. Colonel Sheppard seemed to want to make himself useful, so who was I to argue?"

"Don't knock it," Elizabeth agreed. Given her conversation with John earlier, she wasn't surprised to find him exactly where he was. She was also glad to see Rodney helping out, since she knew the physician considered him one of his closest friends.

Judy quickly got down to business. "So what can I do for you, Dr. Weir?"

Elizabeth put on her best diplomatic smile. "It's nothing, really. Just a slight headache I was hoping to get something for."

The nurse frowned, and Elizabeth knew she wasn't going to get off easy. "How much sleep are you getting?"

"You probably don't want to know," she admitted.

Whatever Judy was going to say was interrupted by the sounds of bickering coming from the supply alcove. The nurse gave Elizabeth a wry look. "The children are at it again," she said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"For God's sake, McKay, will you put that back where you found it?"

"Who in their right mind would put bandages next to IV tubing? Shouldn't the bandages go next to the tape?"

"I'm sure Carson's system works just fine for him. He doesn't need you screwing around with it. We're supposed to be trying to make him less upset, remember?"

Rodney gave an exasperated huff. "Whatever. I'm just trying to make his life easier, but maybe a display of my brilliance would be too much for him to handle."

John snorted. "I suspect he'd be able to handle it just fine. The doc's a pretty smart guy. But let's still let him organize his infirmary the way he wants to, okay?"

A muffled grunt was Rodney's only reply. The two of them continued their work in silence for several minutes. Then the physicist spoke up again. "So did Carson actually say anything to you about… you know?"

"No. Elizabeth had to tell me that he didn't want us going with him offworld." John sighed. "I wish it hadn't been necessary, but…"

Rodney didn't have to ask what John was referring to. "I know."

"Especially after Michael, we can't afford to trust any of them."

"You don't have to convince me. I agree with you. Carson will come around eventually."

John nodded. "Elizabeth said pretty much the same thing." He gestured toward a box. "Maybe we can help the process along."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The evening shift was almost done by the time Carson and Lorne's team returned to the city. The physician was in a much better mood than when he had left. Keras was a fine young lad, and he and the rest of his people were truly hungry for knowledge. Even Aries, whom he'd heard bad reports about, had been politely interested. And after providing Casta and Cleo with more of the coveted chocolate, they'd been his loyal assistants all afternoon.

"Hello, love," Carson said to the nurse on duty as he entered the infirmary. "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

She shook her head. "Not really. A few bumps and bruises, and Dr. Weir came in with a migraine, but otherwise it was a pretty slow day."

Carson made a mental note to follow up with Elizabeth the next morning. "Right, then. If it stays this way, we'll finally be able to deal with all the supplies the Daedalus brought us."

The nurse smiled. "It's already done, Dr. Beckett."

"Excuse me?"

"Dr. McKay and Colonel Sheppard were in here earlier. They hauled boxes until everything was properly stored."

Carson was stunned. The two of them had essentially given up a free afternoon to be errand-boys. Maybe he'd misjudged them, particularly the colonel. Like himself, John was trying to keep the population of Atlantis alive and healthy, by whatever means necessary. And like it or not, some of those means weren't pleasant. He sighed and smiled at his nurse.

"Good. That's one less thing to take care of." He'd have to remember to thank his friends later. Perhaps over a glass or two of good Scotch. They were in this together, after all.


	121. Chapter 121

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Embarrassing moments

Fly, Lucius, fly? Excuse me while I puke!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Embarrassing moments

Oh, shut up. Who made a fool of himself over Chaya, hmmm?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Embarrassing moments

That was different.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Embarrassing moments

Oh, yes. Very different. Sure it was.

Although, I will say that there was no glowy, incorporeal "sharing" going on with Lucius. (Thank whatever deity might be out there listening and laughing to him/her/itself.) He definitely wasn't my type.


	122. Chapter 122

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Medications

So, doc, how's it going? Did you have a chance to check out any of Lucius's medications yet? A cure for the common cold is too good to pass up.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Medications

I can't believe you! First, you again volunteer my services without asking me. Then you leave me alone with that madman. And you shot me, too! I don't care if you have the best malpractice attorney in two galaxies; I'm still going to get you for this.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Medications

Hey, hey, take it easy! I was actually being serious. (Well, mostly serious, anyway.)

Really, though, I'm impressed with what you did. You managed to figure out a way to counteract the pheromones while still tied up and… under the influence. If it weren't for that, Elizabeth and Teyla would be married by now and I'd probably be six feet under. So, thank you.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Medications

Aye, and don't you forget it!


	123. Chapter 123

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Follicular challenge

Oh, yes, and I almost forgot to ask: how DO you get your hair to go like that?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Follicular challenge

Cute, doc. Tell you what. I'll make you a deal: you don't ask me that, and I won't ask you why you were walking on your hands.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Apology

I think I owe you an apology, Carson. I yelled at you for bringing Lucius back to Atlantis, and then I fell under his spell, too. This makes how many times that we've been mind-controlled by aliens?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Apology

Don't worry about it, love. I've got a thick skin. However, I've stopped keeping track of the brainwashing tally. It's too depressing.

Look on the bright side, though. You got a lovely gourd out of it.


	124. Chapter 124

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Plant life

We will not be mentioning that gourd. Ever. Again.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Ancient gene

Now that you're back to what passes for normal, let's talk about your so-called proficiency with Ancient technology. I can't believe you told Lucius you're better at using the technology than I am. Is that why we practically have to drag you by the hair to the Chair Room?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Ancient gene

Jealous, Rodney?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Ancient gene

In your dreams, Carson. In your dreams.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Kinder and gentler?

I have to confess, I'm surprised you didn't kill Lucius the minute he started ogling you in the village. Too bad – it would have saved us a lot of trouble.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Kinder and gentler?

I'm surprised at you, Colonel Sheppard. That's not the usual way of handling first contact experiences. And it would have ruined your opportunity to do some ogling of your own. Don't think I didn't notice.

By the way. How DO you get your hair to go like that?


	125. Chapter 125

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Catwoman

Riddle me this, McKay. How many different actresses played Catwoman?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Catwoman

Oh, please. We talked about this. It was two: Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Catwoman

Nope! You forgot Lee Meriwether.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Catwoman

Lee Meriwether? She didn't play Catwoman on the show. I would have remembered that.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Catwoman

I didn't say she was on the show. She was in that 1966 TV movie.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Catwoman

That doesn't count! Besides, if you include movies, you have to include Michelle Pfeiffer.

Oooh…. Michelle Pfeiffer in a cat suit…

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Catwoman

I don't have to see you to know that you're probably drooling. Cut it out – it's disturbing.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Catwoman

Oh, shut up. Anyway, was there something you wanted, or are you just annoying me for the hell of it?

And by the way, inquiring minds want to know. How DO you get your hair to go like that?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Hair

WHY IS EVERYBODY ASKING ME THAT???


	126. Chapter 126

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Hair

Because you're having entirely too much fun at our expense. You don't have to be so smug about the whole thing. The only reason you were immune to Lucius was a viral infection – not exactly a matter of brains or skill.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Misuse of expedition resources

Gentlemen, Dr. Zelenka has informed me that there has been an unusual amount of memo traffic lately. I don't usually read people's private messages, but you two are responsible for most of the increase. And although I hate to interrupt such an important discussion, we need the bandwidth for the science staff.

Besides, you're both wrong about the number of actresses who played Catwoman. You forgot Halle Berry. (Although I can certainly understand why.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Hair

Geek.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Hair

Gel-boy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_A/N: Sateda memos next, mainly because I've finally had the chance to see the episode!_


	127. Chapter 127

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Unstoppable killing machines

I don't think calling you Conan is appropriate anymore. From now on, you're the Terminator. I lost count of how many Wraith you took out.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Unstoppable killing machines

Yeah, Teyla told me about your counting skills. Anyway, I liked that movie. Maybe we can watch it again and play that drinking game you were telling me about.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Unstoppable killing machines

You mean the one where you take a drink every time the Governor of California kills someone? I don't think so. We'll all be flat on our asses after ten minutes. Carson would kill me for doing that before you fully recovered.

You're nuttier than a fruitcake, you know that?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Unstoppable killing machines

Mmm… fruitcake.


	128. Chapter 128

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Unstoppable killing machines

What's California?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Unstoppable killing machines

It's a place on my planet. Nice beaches, good surfing, the entire cast of Baywatch... You look like one of the guys on that show, by the way.

Oh, forget it. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Got into trouble again

So... exactly how pissed is Caldwell?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Got into trouble again

Very. He hasn't spoken to me since all of you got back, and he won't release any more of the coffee supplies, either.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Got into trouble again

Oh, shit. Rodney's head is going to explode. First he can't sit down, then he can't drink coffee. We're all doomed.


	129. Chapter 129

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Morphine

I've put a note in your medical chart, Rodney. No more morphine for you. It makes you loopy.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Morphine

Loopy? Is that a medical term? No wonder the so-called medical sciences haven't gotten anywhere.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Morphine

Aye, it's a medical term. I could have called you "daft," you know.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Morphine

Gee, thanks Carson! That makes me feel ever so much better. And for the record, I STILL can't sit down. So much for pain control.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Morphine

You'll feel better soon. And you've stopped being the... er, butt of most people's jokes, so that's a plus.


	130. Chapter 130

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Go right on mocking me. If you keep it up, I might convince Ronon to take you up on your dare to sue you.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Ach, you're right, Rodney. 'Twas terribly unprofessional of me. And I wouldn't want to risk my ASS in a lawsuit.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Killing Wraith

I hope that you are not too angry with me for preventing Colonel Sheppard from shooting the Wraith leader when he had the opportunity. I truly believed I was doing what you wanted me to do. Did I err in my judgment?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Killing Wraith

Nah. I didn't really leave you with much choice, did I. I'm glad the jumper fired that drone – Doc's a real scrappy guy when he wants to be. And the look on McKay's face when he thought I was going to kill him was priceless.

Don't tell him I said that, though.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Killing Wraith

I will not tell Dr. McKay. I do not wish for you to lack hot water in your quarters for the next few weeks.


	131. Chapter 131

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Clothing

McKay mentioned something about a law suit. Is that something like a dress uniform? I always hated wearing those on Sateda.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Clothing

Lord above grant me patience. No, lad, it's nothing like that. It's a wee bit complicated to explain, though. We can talk about it when you come to the infirmary to have your stitches removed.

Speaking of which, I'd like to get you down here soon, before you get it into your head to try to remove the stitches yourself. Between trying to dig the first tracker out of your back and taking out the metal fragment from your own leg, you seem to be trying to put me out of a job!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Thanks a lot, Rodney.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Not a problem. Just me being a caring and sensitive guy.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Oh, for the love of… you know I didn't mean anything by that.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

I'm not sure I do, Dr. Carson "Shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later" Beckett.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

All right, Rodney. I'm not sure why you're in such a pissy mood right now, but you obviously need to get it out of your system. Why don't we meet on one of the balconies later tonight, scream at each other for a while, then have a drink.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Morphine, jokes, and lawsuits

Done!


	132. Brief Interlude 10

A/N: Ah, the long-delayed update. I actually started writing this a month ago, but was interrupted by a Secret Santa project. Here's the interlude for Sateda, to be followed soon by new memos for Progeny.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carson was whistling softly to himself as he entered the infirmary to begin his day. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, and he knew he was going to pay for it later, but it had definitely been worth it. The physician couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed so hard.

As promised, he'd met Rodney on one of the balconies that they both enjoyed frequenting. It was early evening, and a warm breeze was blowing off the ocean. Carson had graciously let the physicist take the first shot, and the insult-fest had started off with a bang, so to speak.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Blow up anything today, Carson?"

Hmm… weak insult. Definitely not up to Rodney's usual standards. "Unfortunately, no. But I also didn't have to look up anyone's bum, so I think I came out ahead."

Then they were off. Rodney called him Rambo again, saying that he definitely had changed if his first instinct in a crisis was to pick up a gun and start blasting. Carson had retorted that Rodney had changed, too. First he barely knew what to do with the jumper controls, and now he was acting like a fighter pilot. Although, the physician wanted to say for the record that Rodney still couldn't fly the bloody thing in a straight line!

They went on to discuss Rodney's hypochondria and Carson's homesickness, taking a temporary detour so that Rodney could sneer about what Carson's mother would think of Laura. ("Kissing her dear son while trapped in another man's body. That's healthy.") The physician remarked innocently that he hadn't seen much of Katie Brown recently, so obviously the Canadian's love life wasn't anything to brag about. Just once, Carson thought he had crossed the line when he insinuated that Rodney's mother ought to be glad that her son had at least found somebody human. The blood had drained from Rodney's face at that, his jaw clenching and unclenching rapidly. But then he recovered, snapping that he wasn't sure Laura qualified. Neither did the sheep.

On and on it went, until Rodney was reduced to sputtering, "You voodoo-practicing, haggis-eating, sheep-shearing, haggis-eating…"

"You said that already," Carson offered helpfully.

Rodney's mouth opened and closed like a fish for a moment, then he gave up and burst out laughing. "You win," he finally gasped. His voice trailed off as he started to snicker again.

Carson smiled smugly and crossed his arms over his chest. All he said, though, was, "Feeling better, then?"

"Asshole."

"I'll take that as a yes." The physician reached into his bag and took out two glasses and a bottle. His eyes gleamed as he looked at the label. "Ah, Glenlivet. The good stuff."

Rodney accepted a glass and clinked it against Carson's. "Cheers," he said softly.

"Slainte," Carson agreed. They sipped in silence for a few minutes. "So, lad, why were you in such a foul mood?"

The physicist looked at him incredulously. "Are you kidding? I hate getting shots in the ass from you and your henchmen; I really didn't appreciate an arrow!" Carson rolled his eyes at the "henchmen" comment. "And everyone was having way too much fun at my expense."

"Ah." Carson chuckled a bit.

"What?!"

"Nothing, really. It's just that… well, you really were kind of spaced out on the morphine. But I'd still rather see you stoned on that than on the Wraith enzyme."

Rodney stiffened again for a minute, then relaxed and gave a rueful laugh of his own. "Like I told Sheppard, I don't do well with mind-altering substances. Except maybe caffeine."

"You're bloody scary when you've had too much caffeine. And when you've had too little of it. Even Zelenka sometimes runs and hides."

They continued in this vein for awhile, then got serious as they turned to the topic of Ronon. One thing that Rodney said really struck home for Carson. "So, tell me. Have you ever had a real conversation with the man?"

Carson had to admit that he hadn't. But since Ronon was coming in the next morning to get his stitches removed, he was going to rectify that.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Thank you, lass," Carson said to the nurse who handed him Ronon's chart. Even though he'd come to Atlantis more recently than the rest of his team, his chart was just as thick. Ronon had acquired his fair share of injuries, both serious and non. Although he was stoic, he was mostly honest, so treating him wasn't too difficult, except for his tendency to practice do-it-yourself surgery.

Carson pulled back the curtain surrounding the exam cubicle and ducked inside. The big Satedan was sitting on an exam table, idly tapping his fingers on the edge of a metal equipment tray. On the tray, under a drape, was the suture kit Carson had set up earlier.

Ronon looked up, grinned at the physician, and gave his customary greeting. "Hey, doc."

Carson returned the smile. "Good morning, Ronon. Feeling all right, then?"

"Yeah. The leg only hurts a little when I walk."

"And of course you've been taking it easy like I told you to." Carson rolled his eyes as Ronon gave the tiniest of shrugs. "I swear, you're as bad as Colonel Sheppard sometimes. All right, let's have a look at that leg."

Ronon was wearing a pair of loosely-fitting scrub pants, and Carson rolled up one leg so he could see the shrapnel wound. It was healing nicely, with no evidence of infection. "Those stitches are definitely ready to come out. Hold still, this might sting a bit." As he spoke, the physician donned a pair of gloves and removed the drape from the suture kit. Working quickly and carefully, he snipped each stitch and gently pulled the thread out of the skin.

"How's your back?" Carson asked when he finally straightened up. He shook his head disapprovingly as Ronon merely grunted in response. "All right, then. Off with your shirt."

Looking surprisingly meek, the Satedan removed his shirt and lay on his stomach. Carson frowned as he got a good look at the place where the tracking device had been. The incision site was an angry red in color and quite warm to the touch. "Unfortunately, lad, this looks like it's gotten infected. Frankly, I'm surprised it doesn't hurt like a bugger. I'm afraid I'm going to have to drain it." He patted Ronon on the shoulder. "Hang on for a bit."

The physician left the room and returned a few minutes later with an armful of supplies. "I might have to go deep. Would you like a wee bit of something to help you relax?"

"No, thanks. I'm good."

Carson threw up his hands. "Of course not." He drew up a small amount of local anesthetic into a syringe and injected it into the muscles of Ronon's back. "We'll give that a few minutes to take effect."

Ronon nodded and closed his eyes. "Whatever you say." Lying there like that, with his head pillowed on his arm, he looked relaxed enough already. It made him appear years younger.

The physician took a scalpel and made a small incision over the infected area. A small amount of pus drained out, and he cut a little deeper. As he worked, he asked casually, "So, what was it like for you to be back on Sateda?"

Ronon opened his eyes and looked suspiciously at Carson, as if expecting him to suddenly morph into Kate Heightmeyer. (Ronon most emphatically didn't trust her.) But the physician only asked, "Did it make it easier or harder to fight the Wraith?"

The question seemed to take Ronon by surprise. "Hadn't really thought about it. A little of both, I guess. I had the advantage of knowing the territory, but I had to make sure that things didn't distract me."

The physician smiled slightly. "I can't imagine anything distracting you from killing Wraith."

"Little things, you know? Some of the tunnels we fought in... my unit fought in them right before Sateda fell. And the hospital..."

"The hospital?" Carson prompted.

"Yeah. My wife was a nurse there." Ronon's tone was flat, matter-of-fact.

Carson, on the other hand, wouldn't have been more surprised if he'd come upon Ronon and Michael sharing a friendly drink. "I... didn't know you were married," he finally said.

"Her name was Malena. We were only married for about a year. She could have evacuated through the gate when the Wraith came, but she refused to leave her patients. She was stubborn." He gave a hollow little laugh. "Kinda like you, doc." Although Ronon had never referred to it again, Carson knew that the big Satedan had been reluctantly impressed that day when he'd removed the first tracker, while literally under the gun.

"Malena sounds like someone I would have wanted on my staff."

Ronon smiled proudly, if a little sadly. "I think she would have liked it here." He shut his eyes again, only to reopen them with a hiss as Carson hit a sore spot.

"Sorry," the physician apologized. "I'm almost done." He took some gauze and started packing the wound. To distract Ronon, he said, "If you don't my asking, son, what happened to her?"

The other man was silent for so long that Carson thought he wasn't going to answer. "She got caught in an explosion when the Wraith got to the hospital. A wall blew in on her."

"You were there." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah."

Carson sighed. "I'm sorry for your loss. And it couldn't have been easy to have it all stirred up again." He finished putting a dressing on the wound and clapped Ronon on the shoulder. "That's it; I'm done. I want you back here for daily dressing changes for the first few days, then we'll take it from there." He left the cubicle and waited for Ronon to get dressed. When the other man emerged, he added, "I know you don't like Kate, but I'm available if you ever want to get something like this off your chest. Rodney can tell you that I keep a supply of very good Scotch on hand for such occasions."

Ronon hesitated, then nodded curtly. "I might take you up on that, someday."

"Just keep it in mind." A small smile played on the physician's lips. "And speaking of Scotch, you can tell Colonel Sheppard that you're cleared to play that Terminator drinking game I've heard about through the grapevine."

Ronon was startled into a laugh. "Didn't know you knew about that. I'll tell him." He started to walk out the door.

"Don't forget the dressing changes!" Carson called.

Ronon said with a feral grin, "I won't. I'll be back."


	133. Chapter 133

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Asurans

After thousands of years of evolving and replicating, the best they could come up with was Oberoth? He wasn't exactly the most "effective and efficient form." In fact, he looked like Santa Claus with anger management issues.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Asurans

Thank you so much for that image. As if I didn't find the holidays frightening enough. Screaming kids, rampant commercialism, and now homicidal Replicator cultural icons.

Oh, look! Is that a clown I see over there?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Asurans

Cute, McKay. I was simply pointing out that the Ancients' technology has its limits.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Asurans

Yes, well, their method of interfacing and updating each other is surprisingly primitive. It surpasses Microsoft Windows in its general level of suckiness.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Asurans

Suckiness?!


	134. Chapter 134

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Asurans

Yes, suckiness. Is there a problem?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Asurans

You mean other than it not being an actual word?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Asurans

Hey, if you can come up with "Ancienty," I can come up with "suckiness." And Windows surpasses even DOS in that regard. At least DOS was predictable in its awfulness – you never know how Windows is going to screw up next.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Microsoft

Let me guess. You think that Bill Gates is a Goa'uld.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Microsoft

No, he's definitely a Wraith. Sucks the life out of people's computers, and it explains how a virus took out the Daedalus so easily.


	135. Chapter 135

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Microsoft

Scarily, that actually makes sense. Go figure.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Friendliness

Once again, the "we come in peace, shoot to kill" stance was right on target, so to speak. Remind me about that the next time we investigate a city of so-called Ancients.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Friendliness

Sure thing, Sheppard. You want me to smack you upside the head like you always do to McKay?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Friendliness

Uh... no, not really. A simple nudge will do.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Friendliness

Where's the fun in that?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Replicator visions

Hey, you okay? What exactly did Niam show you when he took you on that little acid trip?


	136. Chapter 136

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Replicator visions/acid trip

Well, I didn't see Timothy Leary, that's for sure! So much for "turn on, tune in, drop out." I did see the history of the Asurans, though. And before that, someone forced me to keep reliving the break-up with Simon. I'm starting to get more than a little pissed off at the Ancients.

What sort of trip did they take you on?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Replicator visions

A fake Wraith invasion of Atlantis. Some people evacuated back to Earth, but I stayed behind to manually set off the self-destruct.

Don't tell Rodney. He'd kill me for going on another suicide mission, even if it wasn't real.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Back in the cell

Getting back to our conversation about mind probes. I can't believe you said what you did! First of all, your reference to anal probes says disturbing things about your psyche. (I need mental bleach now, thank you very much.) Secondly, why give them any ideas?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Back in the cell

Hey, I didn't actually say anything. I just said that at least our thoughts were the only things being probed. It was your dirty mind that filled in other references to anatomy. Does Heightmeyer need to get involved here?


	137. Chapter 137

A/N: Just wanted to thank all of you for reviewing. Even though I haven't been able to respond to everyone individually, I do appreciate it:-)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Back in the cell

Oh, ha ha. Very cute. No, the only thing we need to call her for is your suicidal tendencies. And before you ask, I found out by reading your mission report. What, do you think I ignore them all the time?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Back in the cell

No, just most of the time. And it's sweet of you to worry about me. Do you know that, in Oberoth's scenario, you actually offered to flip a coin with me?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Back in the cell

I'm not worried about you! I just... wouldn't want to have to break in a new military leader. Or worse, I wouldn't want BATES to take over!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Back in the cell

Awww, you're just a big softie.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Back in the cell

Zelenka once accused me of the same thing. Stop saying that! I'm an arrogant bastard, and don't you forget it!


	138. Chapter 138

A/N: After a long delay, I've finally written the memos for "The Real World." Here are the first of them...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

That's the second time I've been made a prisoner in my own mind. I think this was worse than Phebus, though. She was only trying to kill everyone. The nanites were driving me mad! No offense to Kate Heightmeyer, but I think I'm going to be avoiding her for awhile.

The only redeeming feature of that nightmare was seeing my mother and Sedge. I miss them sometimes.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

I disagree. You didn't try to have Teyla shoot me, but YOU almost died. I can deal with a P-90; soul-destroying robots are harder.

Wait a minute, I guess I'm agreeing with you. Never mind.

So what's the score now? Teyla's been taken over by an alien entity once, I got taken over once, and even Rodney's experienced a mind invasion. (Though I doubt Lieutenant Cadman would appreciate being lumped into the same category with a Wraith and an alien memory implant.) You're the only one who's had this happen twice. You win.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Actually, I think Carson wins. He's been beat up by people who were possessed by alien things, but he's never been on the other side of it.


	139. Chapter 139

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Heh. I'm avoiding Carson right now. He's pretty pissed (again).

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

What did you do this time?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Um... well... I kinda broke quarantine again. Now, before you get upset, let me just say that I thought it would help convince you to fight those little bastards.

And it did save you from Nurse Ratched and her crew...

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

I suppose I should be angry with you, too. But the truth is: I don't have the heart to. I guess sometimes you really do have to go with your gut.

If I see Carson, I'll tell him you went to the mainland... :-)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Replicators Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

That would be most appreciated.


	140. Chapter 140

_A/N: Wow, thanks for all of the recent reviews! I know I haven't been able to respond to them individually, but they are appreciated:-)_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Skipped appointment

Elizabeth, love, are you avoiding me? It's not like you to miss your follow-up.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Skipped appointment

I'm not avoiding you, Carson. I'm trying to avoid Kate. No offense to her, but I really don't want to talk to any shrinks right now.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Avoidance behavior

Completely understandable. From what you were telling me, that "Fletcher" chap didn't sound even remotely competent. I've never known Kate to be heavy-handed like that. I think she'd be a good person for you to talk to, but it's your choice. Either way, though, I do need to see you.

By the way, have you seen Colonel Sheppard anywhere? I think he's avoiding me, too.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Avoidance behavior

Never mind. Don't bother to answer that. If I know him, he's probably sworn you to secrecy, and I won't ask you to break that confidence. He probably told people to say he's on the mainland, anyway.


	141. Chapter 141

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Avoidance behavior and Colonel Sheppard

I won't confirm or deny that, but I do have to say I'm surprised. Why wouldn't you ask me to "rat him out," so to speak? Or vice versa, for that matter?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Avoidance behavior and Colonel Sheppard

Because I know that any of you would come tell me in a heartbeat if something was wrong with one of the others. You do a better job of keeping an eye on each other than I ever could. It's to my benefit to keep that arrangement intact, and if it requires a little inconvenience tracking you down sometimes; well, then, so be it.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Avoidance behavior and Colonel Sheppard

I think we underestimate you sometimes, Carson.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Avoidance behavior and Colonel Sheppard

Especially Rodney! Hmmph.


	142. Chapter 142

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Brilliant ideas

So, Rodney, ready to admit that medicine is a science?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Brilliant ideas

You're kidding, right? Captain Kirk woke Sleeping Beauty up by holding her hand! Hardly scientific.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Brilliant ideas

Yes, because your electromagnetic pulse did such a good job. By the way, why is it your electromagnetic pulse and our way to uncouple the nanite cells?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Brilliant ideas

Because nanites are real science.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Brilliant ideas

You have no idea how much you're pushing it, do you? Keep it up and I may just tell Elizabeth that you called her Sleeping Beauty. She'll either think it's really sweet, or she'll kill you.


	143. Chapter 143

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Acastas Kolya

Hey, guys. Do me a favor. If it ever again looks like I'm hesitating about killing him, shoot me.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Acastas Kolya

OK. You want we should shoot him, too?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Acastas Kolya

If you can't think of anything worse to do...

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Acastas Kolya

Right. So, how old do you think Kolya's pet Wraith left you, anyway?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Acastas Kolya

Physically or mentally?


	144. Chapter 144

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Acastas Kolya

Cute, Rodney. Very cute. You know, Kolya said he would have "settled" for you, but he didn't want to listen to you whine the whole time.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Acastas Kolya

Ha! I knew there was a survival benefit! Remember that the next time you make fun of me on a mission.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Interrogation

Sure. Whatever you say, McKay.

Yo, Ronon! You and Weir seem to have the "Good Cop, Bad Cop" routine down pat!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Interrogation

What's that?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Good Cop, Bad Cop

That's when you have two people questioning someone. One of the two pretends to be on the prisoner's side, while the other one threatens to beat the living shit out of him. It doesn't take a genius to figure out which cop you are.

Hardly seems fair, though. You've had way too much practice. What I'd like to see is you and Elizabeth switching roles.


	145. Chapter 145

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Good Cop, Bad Cop

Ronon as the good cop? Yeah, that'll be the day.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Good Cop, Bad Cop

I can be good, McKay.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Good Cop, Bad Cop

Oh, yes. That's why you and Ladon are best buddies now.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Good Cop, Bad Cop

That's not fair. I only tried to kill him once.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Good Cop, Bad Cop

Twice, actually.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Good Cop, Bad Cop

I believe Dr. McKay is correct. It was twice.


	146. Chapter 146

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Good Cop, Bad Cop

All right, kids. That's enough. I think we can all agree that Ronon's a badass and will never be drinking buddies with Ladon. That okay with you, big guy?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Good Cop, Bad Cop

Whatever.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Annihilating mice

I think Disney's gonna be pissed at you for shooting Mickey. Poor little fella.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Annihilating mice

Hmph. I was right. The Wraith de-aged you mentally, too. (Or not – you weren't that mature to begin with.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Annihilating mice

I'm hurt. You slay me.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Annihilating mice

No, I don't. And try not to let any Wraith do it, either, will you?. Carson says you've given him most of the gray hairs he's developed this year.


	147. Brief Interlude 11

John shook his head at Rodney's last memo. "And you gave him the rest!" He typed the words quickly and hit send, then shut down his computer. Time to sack out. Rodney-baiting was like dessert: deliciously satisfying, but you had to be careful not to overindulge.

He stripped down to his boxers and tossed his clothes in the direction of the hamper. No sense in neatly folding them; he had to do laundry tomorrow anyway. After checking to be sure his earpiece was within easy reach and his pistol was in the nightstand, he crawled into bed. A simple "Lights out!" plunged the room into darkness.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John was rudely awakened when a Marine crashed into his bedroom and screamed at him. "DON'T MOVE!" the other man yelled.

"What the hell is going on here, Sergeant?!" John asked angrily. He reached for his radio, but stopped when he found himself staring up the barrel of a P-90. He put his hands up slowly, careful to keep them within view. "Okaaaay. Why don't you put that down before somebody – namely me – gets hurt. Whatever's bothering you, we can work it out..."

"Major!" the Marine yelled. "He's secure."

Lorne entered the room, looking around quickly to avoid any ambush. "Good work, Sergeant." He looked coldly at his commanding officer. "Colonel Sheppard, I have orders to take you into custody."

"For what, exactly?" John's voice dripped sarcasm.

"I was not given that information, sir. Now stand up, please." When the colonel complied, Lorne took out a pair of plastic restraints.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa! Can I at least get dressed first?" John moved towards the clothing he had tossed across the room, but was stopped by an angry jab from the Marine's weapon. He sighed, "You're just going to have to shoot me, then, because I refuse to be paraded down the hall in my skivvies."

For a minute, Lorne looked tempted, but then he gave a brief nod. "Thank you," John said with exaggerated politeness. He didn't resist any further when his hands were cuffed behind him. "You wanna tell me what's going on?" he asked Lorne in a low voice as they herded him out of his quarters.

"I was not given that information, sir!"

John stared at his 2IC. "What's with the formality? You never act like this." Lorne glared at him but didn't bother to answer.

They brought him to a small conference room and locked him inside. They'd put an Earth-based lock on the door, so he couldn't even use his gene to get out. With some trepidation, John realized that this was the same conference room they had used when Ronon tried to intimidate Kavanaugh. Was he in for a similar session? Why?

As if the colonel's thoughts had conjured Ronon up, the big Satedan walked into the room at that moment. He slowly moved to the table where John was sitting and loomed over him. John swallowed nervously. His hands were still cuffed behind his back, but his feet were free. He thought he could get in a few good kicks before Ronon took him down.

Before he could act, Ronon reached over and unfastened the clasp on the restraints. John was so surprised that he gaped at the other man for a minute before remembering to free his wrists.

"Thanks," John said. "Finally, someone around here is showing some sense. Now, what say we go figure out who orchestrated this colossal screw-up."

But Ronon was shaking his head. "Can't do it, Sheppard. Technically, I shouldn't have even untied you."

"What?!"

"You're in a lot of trouble. What you did was not smart."

"But I don't even know what I did!" John wanted to howl. "One minute I'm sleeping, and the next Lorne busts into my room acting like someone shoved a stick up his..."

"Thank you for that lovely image, Colonel," said a new voice. John looked around and gaped again. Whereas Ronon was dressed in a conservative-looking suit, the newcomer was wearing tight-fitting black leather and stiletto heels. Her nails were painted with blood-red polish and her lipstick was only one or two shades lighter.

"Elizabeth?" John squeaked. He started to feel a little faint.

In a flash, she stalked across the room and invaded John's personal space. "That's Dr. Weir to you. And I want to know what you did with my stash."

"Your... stash," John said slowly, stalling for time while he tried to figure a way out of this nightmare. He glanced at Ronon, who was starting to look a little frantic.

"I'm trying to help you," Ronon hissed, "but you have to give me something to work with! I can't stop her if you don't come clean."

John gave up trying to make sense of the whole thing. "Your stash," he repeated. "You want me to tell you where I put it."

"That's right," Weir replied. Next to her, Ronon nodded encouragingly.

"Well, that's going to be tough," John drawled. "It's...um... stashed away somewhere."

Weir laughed. It wasn't a pleasant sound. She circled around the colonel, walking behind him so that the only way he could track her progress was by the clicking of her heels. "You're funny," she said. Her voice dropped to a whisper as she bent to speak in John's ear. "But I'm willing to bet you won't be as funny when it's just you and a room full of Iratus bugs."

He couldn't help the involuntary shudder. "You are a sick woman," he said disgustedly.

She walked around the table to face him again. "That I am," she agreed. "And I'm losing patience." Without warning, Weir leaned over and grabbed John by his collar. "For the last time, WHERE'S MY CHAMOMILE TEA STASH?!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

John bolted upright in bed with sweat running down his face. It took a few minutes before he stopped gasping for breath and his heart stopped racing. Gradually he relaxed as he realized he had literally been stuck in a nightmare. "Wow," he said out loud. "Ronon as good cop, Liz as bondage queen bad cop with PMS." His heart rate sped up again at the thought of Elizabeth's tight leather outfit, but this time it had nothing to do with fear...

"You are a bad man," he groaned to himself as he got up to take a cold shower.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Morning found John nursing a cup of coffee in the mess hall. He was really tired, but there had been no question of getting back to sleep after that dream. And what the hell was his subconscious thinking, anyway? Heightmeyer would have a Freudian field day if she knew, but that was never going to happen. He'd rather get sucked dry by a Wraith again than have that conversation with her.

Other people began straggling in and filling their trays with various combinations of Athosian fruits, pancakes, and scrambled Pegasus eggs. John considered grabbing his own tray, but the thought of the horrid eggs took his appetite away. After this, he'd have to go hit up McKay for some powerbars.

He must have drifted for a bit, because the next thing he knew, Elizabeth was sitting down in the seat across from him and Carson was sliding into the space next to him. "Good morning, John!" Elizabeth said cheerfully.

John's response was to groan and put his head down.

"Well, someone's a wee bit grouchy today." John looked up to see a concerned expression on the doctor's face. "You look like you didn't sleep much. Everything all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just some vivid dreams, that's all."

"Well, I'm not surprised, given what you recently went through." John didn't bother to correct Carson's assumption of Wraith-filled nightmares. "Let me know if you want something to help you sleep."

Elizabeth smiled. "I have just the thing to relax you." She reached into her pocket and took out a handful of tea bags. "Chamomile tea. Would you like some?"

John stood up with unseemly haste. "No! Thank you, that's very kind, but I wouldn't want to take your stash. Anyway, I have to go help Rodney and Zelenka. They need an ATA-guinea pig to sit in the chair." He hurried out of the mess hall without looking back.

"Well, that was odd!" Carson said. "I imagine the lad's pretty stressed, though. That would explain it."

Elizabeth considered it, then nodded. "You're probably right. Anyway, this just means more for us."

FIN... of "Common Ground" memos

_A/N: I originally intended this interlude to be a simple case of role-reversed Good Cop/Bad Cop. I have no idea how dominatrix!Liz got in there. Wonder what that says about my subconscious. :facepalm:_


	148. Chapter 148

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Recent events

By now you all have heard that we no longer have a functioning ZPM. It was depleted in a successful attempt to collapse the matter bridge. Despite what it cost us, I believe we did the right thing in expending the power needed to send Rod back to his home universe, too.

Rest assured that this is by no means the same situation we were in during our first year in Atlantis. Since the Daedalus will still be making regular trips, we are not completely cut off from Earth. The Wraith have no reason to come back to our planet, so we will hopefully not need the cloak.

We will, however, need to severely cut back on our power usage. I know this will disrupt a lot of research in progress, and I'm sorry about that, but I don't see how we can avoid it. The naquadah generators have to last us a long time, and I'm counting on you to make sure of it.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Recent events

If you so much as mention the word Arcturus again, being fired will be the least of your worries.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Recent events

"The Wraith have no reason to come back to our planet." Don't you think that's being overly optimistic?


	149. Chapter 149

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Recent events

Probably. What do you want me to say? That there's now a good chance the Wraith could kill us all?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Recent events

Good point.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Recent events

It wasn't just my fault, you know. Other people, including my sister, played a role in this. Even Colonel Carter thought it was a good idea. Why are you only blaming me?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Recent events

Sibling rivalry aside, your sister isn't my Chief Science Advisor. Neither is Colonel Carter. What's gotten into you, Rodney? You're starting to sound like a five-year old.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Recent events

It's her fault. She always brings out the worst in me.


	150. Chapter 150

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Recent events

I'll assume the "she" to whom you're referring is Jeannie, although Colonel Carter seems to have the same effect on you.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Jeannie

Your sister is so much more pleasant to deal with than you. Are you sure you will not consider switching places with her?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Jeannie

You're funny, Radek. Keep it up, and you'll find yourself switching places -- with the sanitation crew!

Besides, Colonel Carter said she was a pain in the ass.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Jeannie

Yes, but at least she was polite.


	151. Chapter 151

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Politeness

Well, that makes everything all right, then! As long as people are polite, who cares if they're idiots?!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Politeness

Are you calling your sister an idiot? I am sure she would not be happy to hear that.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Politeness

No, I'm not calling her an idiot! I was just trying to make a point... You know what, just forget it. I don't have time to listen to you blather.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Politeness

Sure. Whatever you say... Meredith.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Names

Oh, here we go again. Et tu, Radek?


	152. Chapter 152

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Radek Zelenka

**RE**: Politeness

Sorry, I cannot resist. You make it altogether too easy to tease you.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Rod

Your alter ego was an interesting guy. Weird, but interesting. I can't imagine watching you hit golf balls into the ocean, but he seemed to enjoy it.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Rod

Well, obviously we never got to meet your "evil twin," but he sounds like he's as predictably suicidal as you are.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Rod

One man's ingenuity is another man's suicidality. I'm not sure if anyone famous said that, but they should have.

Wonder why Ronon's the same in both universes.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Rod

There are only so many different ways to be a caveman.


	153. Chapter 153

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Rod

Very smooth, Rodney.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Rod

Thank you. Just getting him back for the underwear-on-the-head comment. And don't think I've forgotten about your bedwetting jibe.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Rod/Jeannie

I wouldn't dream of forgetting. I await your spectacular revenge with baited breath.

Now, if you wouldn't mind a little friendly advice, try not to lose touch with your sister again. She's a good person. (I know what you're thinking, but this is not me being "Kirk.") She probably wouldn't admit it to you, but I think she'd miss you. And your niece sounds totally adorable.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Rod/Jeannie

Madison is really cute, isn't she. She seems really smart, too. It's good to see that the McKay genes weren't overwhelmed by the English-major genes.

I'm planning to see them again at Christmas. Tofurky and all.


	154. Chapter 154

A/N: Long overdue memos from "Phantoms." I appreciate all the feedback I've received. It's been a difficult few months personally, but I hope to get back to writing the Memos series on a somewhat regular basis.

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: No Subject

You shot me!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: No Subject

Don't tempt me to do it again.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: No Subject

Ah, there's that celebrated military mindset.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: No Subject

Rodney, much as I normally enjoy trading one-liners with you, can you give it a rest? Just... sit on it, or something.

Oh wait, you can't, can you? Your "sciatica."

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: No Subject

You try getting shot in the butt with an arrow, and see how you like it!

Anyway, speaking of asses, I think Teyla's going to kick all of ours. Just on general principle, you know.


	155. Chapter 155

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Safety precautions

I have asked Dr. Beckett to give me a tranquilizer rifle for missions, just in case.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan, Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Safety precautions

Hey, that's not fair! After all, you've been taken over by the Wraith, too.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex

**CC**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Safety precautions

That is true. Perhaps each of us should get a rifle.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan, Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Safety precautions

Aye. I'll take one, too, and I'll be sure to shoot the lot of you before you can even step through the Gate! None of the other teams gives me even half as much trouble as you do.


	156. Chapter 156

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett, Dr. Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Safety precautions

Yeah... sorry about that, Doc. You do get more than you bargained for, don't you?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Dr. Carson Beckett, Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Safety precautions

I don't know what he's complaining about. Sheppard didn't shoot him!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard, Ronon Dex, Dr. Carson Beckett, Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Safety precautions

SHUT IT, RODNEY!!!!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Safety precautions

How's Kagan doing?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Safety precautions

He's a right mess. He required 20 units of blood when we got back to the city. (Actually, he probably could have used more, but we were running low.) I have him on so much morphine that I doubt he'll be able to count to one before sometime next week, but I don't envy him when he wakes up.

In spite of all that, though, he's still better off than Sergeant Barrosso.


	157. Chapter 157

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Second guessing

Yes, and neither of them would be here if it weren't for you. So don't second guess yourself, Carson. I know that's what you're doing right now.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Second guessing

Have you stopped second guessing yourself about Captain Holland, then?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Second guessing

Obviously not; otherwise that machine wouldn't have dredged it up from my subconscious. But it has gotten better with time.

Just something to think about.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: "Impossible heroics game"

I can't believe you still think I exaggerate the impossibility of certain tasks. I think that hurts more than you shooting me.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: "Impossible heroics game"

Come on, Rodney. You know you have the tendency to overstate your case at times. Like your complaining about my shooting you, for instance. It's like crying 'wolf' (or is it 'crying Wraith'?)


	158. Chapter 158

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: "Impossible heroics game"

The two things have nothing to do with each other. Besides, how is it crying wolf when you really did shoot me?!

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: "Impossible heroics game"

'Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you,' huh?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: "Impossible heroics game"

Precisely.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Exaggeration

Sure. Oh, by the way, while we're on the subject of exaggeration, you wanna stop with the gloom and doom in the field? You scare the marines when you talk about things like "nuclear testing sites" and "obvious sterility issues," and none of them want to go on missions with you twice.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Exaggeration

Oh, please. If they can't deal with me, how are they possibly going to win against the Wraith?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Exaggeration

You're right! That gives me an idea. I'll just tell them that you're scarier than the Wraith, and if they can handle missions with you, they can handle anything.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Exaggeration

Now who's exaggerating? I really don't know why I put up with you.


	159. Brief Interlude 12

Elizabeth leaned against the railing with a cup of coffee in her hand, watching the activity on the gateroom floor below. It looked like one of the gate teams would be embarking on a mission soon, and she'd be willing to lay odds that it was Colonel Sheppard's team. If so, it would be their first mission since the planet with the malevolent Wraith device. Elizabeth hoped they were up to it. She suspected that they had glossed over many of the details in their reports, but it was obvious that their trust in each other had been shaken a bit.

Elizabeth turned to Radek, who was sitting at the main control console. "What have we got, Dr. Zelenka?" she asked.

He gave her a rueful smile, as if reading her thoughts. "An easy mission for Colonel Sheppard's team. A... how do you say... milk run." He snorted. "It is high time, I think. The snarking between the colonel and Rodney was reaching epic proportions."

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, but before she could respond, Teyla joined them on the balcony. She was fully geared up and, Elizabeth was pleased to see, she looked relaxed and confident.

"Teyla," Elizabeth said in greeting. "How are you this morning?"

Teyla smiled serenely. "I must admit that it will be good to go out in the field again. It will make for clearer heads and, hopefully, better tempers."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Let me guess. John and Rodney are driving you crazy." She caught sight of a new-looking gun that the Athosian was carrying. "What is that? I've never seen any of the military carrying a weapon like that before."

Teyla smiled with a touch of smugness. "It is a tranquilizer pistol. When the men get out of control, like they did on the Wraith planet, it will be very useful."

Elizabeth laughed. "I notice you said 'when' and not 'if.'"

The other woman shrugged. "Given our history, it is highly likely that something similar will happen again."

"Indeed."

Their attention was caught by a commotion from down below. Elizabeth looked to see John and Rodney step onto the gate room floor. She couldn't make out what they were arguing about, but she figured that was probably a good thing. Looking more closely, she saw that both men were also carrying odd-looking guns. "John and Rodney also have them?"

"Yes. Ronon, too. Rodney pointed out that I have been taken over by the Wraith in the past. He said that if I was to carry such a gun, it was only fair that everyone else get one, too.". Seeing the look on Elizabeth's face, Teyla laughed. "They do act like children sometimes, don't they?"

"Only sometimes?!"

Teyla rolled her eyes, and Elizabeth had to stifle her own laughter. Rodney was obviously rubbing off on the Athosian. Teyla nodded to Elizabeth, then went down the stairs to join her teammates in front of the stargate. From her vantage point on the balcony, Elizabeth could see the good-natured banter that ensued below. "Dial the gate," she said to Chuck the technician.

"Good morning, Elizabeth!" said a cheerful voice behind her. She turned to see Carson, smiling as he joined her at the railing.

Elizabeth looked at him with mock suspicion as she took a sip of her coffee. "You're not here to tell me tell me I'm overdue for any shots, are you?"

"Why, have you been avoiding any?" he asked innocently.

"I would never do anything like that!" she replied, and he chuckled.

"No, I'm just here to see Colonel Sheppard's team off," the physician declared. His eyes sparkled with a hidden amusement. "The infirmary isn't busy, so I don't have much to do right now."

Elizabeth shook her head. She had the distinct feeling something was going on that she wasn't aware of. Turning away, she called down to the group in front of the gate. "John, if you're ready, you have a go."

John looked up. "All right! Thanks, Elizabeth..." His voice trailed off as he caught sight of Carson standing next to her. The change in his demeanor was almost immediate. John's eyes widened, and he made a slashing gesture in the air with his hand. Teyla, Rodney, and Ronon also looked up at the balcony. Their faces quickly became serious, all traces of the previous teasing gone.

Startled, Elizabeth glanced over at the physician. He wasn't smiling now, either. Rather, he was wearing a stern expression and giving John a significant _look_. He was also carrying a long, slender object that he brandished at the team. The colonel swallowed visibly, then motioned his teammates through the gate. Rodney pointed at Carson and tried to say something, but John cuffed him lightly on the back of the head.

"Ow!"

"Knock it off, McKay. Just go through the damned gate before he can..." John's voice was cut off by the sound of the wormhole disengaging.

Carson's face broke out in a grin. He snickered quietly at first, then burst out laughing. "I really got them this time," he chortled.

"Carson, what exactly is going on?" Elizabeth demanded.

He chuckled for a moment longer, then his laughter subsided. "Teyla told you about the tranquilizer guns?"

She nodded.

"Well, what she probably didn't tell you was that I threatened to get one, too." The physician showed her the rifle that had been concealed under his lab coat. "I told all of them that I would use it if they gave me any trouble," he said smugly.

Elizabeth was appalled. "Are you serious?"

Carson snickered again. "Of course not. It's not even loaded. But did you see the looks on their faces? They were like schoolchildren called to the headmaster's office!"

"Now I understand," Elizabeth said. She started to smile, too. "That's a good weapon you have there. Literally and figuratively!"

"Hmm," Carson said. "I should put this on display in the infirmary." His grin became pure wickedness. "Perhaps in front of the bed Colonel Sheppard usually occupies. Then maybe they would actually listen to me!"

"Oh, please," said Elizabeth. "They don't even listen to me." She looked thoughtful for a minute. "Can I borrow that?"

FIN


	160. Chapter 160

A/N: Takes place during the middle of "The Return, part 1." (Just before they drag Elizabeth out to dinner.)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Area 51

I'm surrounded by idiots.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Area 51

I thought you said they were sycophants.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Area 51

They're sycophantic idiots! Never thought I'd say this, but I'd give anything to have Radek back for even a little while.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Area 51

Aww, you miss him, too.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Area 51

I do not! It's just that... well... he knows how I think. I don't have to explain everything to him all the time.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Area 51

Plus, he's the only one who won't take any crap from you. Anyway, it's not like Landry gave me stellar material to work with, either. Worse than even you and your whining.


	161. Chapter 161

Wow, it's really been a long time since I've updated this! I've finally had the chance to watch more episodes, so I'll be updating more frequently now. :-)

This memo will also take place during Return I, but the rest of the Return memos will take place after the end of the two-parter.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Area 51

So says the intergalactic pizza delivery boy. What's your motto: "Thirty thousand years or it's free?"

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Area 51

You're just mad because you didn't get any. (Sorry about that, by the way. Hermiod insisted he wanted some, and I wasn't going to argue with the naked gray alien who keeps the ship running.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Pizza-eating Asgards

That must have been weird to watch. What does he like on his pizza, anyway?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Pizza-eating Asgards

Hawaiian-style. Ham and pineapple. Makes me wonder what else he'd like if he ever went to Hawaii.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Pizza-eating Asgards

You'd probably try to take him surfing. Anyway, I think this conversation's getting off track. See you tomorrow, and I hope Carson persuaded Elizabeth to come out with us.


	162. Chapter 162

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: There's no place like home

Well, we made it. Even though it took... how many plans?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: There's no place like home

I think we were up to General O'Neill's Plan F. You know, Plan "We're F!&#." Or was it Plan "You're Fired"? For me, I guess there wasn't much of a difference.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: There's no place like home

Oh, come on. He didn't actually fire you, did he? Neither did Landry.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: There's no place like home

That's only because Elizabeth reminded them of some of the stuff O'Neill pulled when he was still a Colonel. Apparently General Hammond frequently wanted to rip his hair out... if he'd had any.


	163. Chapter 163

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Plan... I don't remember which letter

Anyway, it seems like all of our plans lately have involved lots of things blowing up.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Plan... I don't remember which letter

Yeah, Rodney. What about that? You taking lessons from Cadman?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Plan... I don't remember which letter

Me?! How is this my fault? You're the one that suggested using the chair to destroy the hyperdrive. And you're the one that did the crazy piloting at the beginning that allowed the drones to hit the city.

Where did you learn how to fly, anyway? The 'Han Solo School of Driver's Ed'?

--

_Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing, even if I haven't been able to respond individually! More coming soon._


	164. Chapter 164

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Driver's ed

Why not? He was an amazing pilot. Besides, I've already got Chewie.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Replicators

Somehow, I doubt this is the last we'll see of the Replicators.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Replicators

You're probably right. One or two of them always seem to get away. Like Niam, they're probably only mostly dead.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Replicators

That means they're slightly alive.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Replicators

I am so not calling you 'Miracle McKay.'

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Replicators

Why not? The shield emitter plan worked, and we did have fun storming the castle.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Replicators

I don't think Mr. Woolsey would agree with you.


	165. Chapter 165

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**CC**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: General O'Neill

Is it just me, or was he acting unusually... cranky?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: General O'Neill

Aye! He insulted me... I think.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: General O'Neill

Oh, yeah. He definitely insulted you. We're the only ones allowed to do that.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: General O'Neill

Wouldn't you be cranky if you were stuck with Woolsey for all that time?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: General O'Neill

Definitely. He really isn't good at the cloak and dagger stuff, is he. Hopefully no one ever puts him in charge of anything other than a desk.


	166. Chapter 166

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett, Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Guest1

**RE**: Electronic memos?

Nice set-up you guys have here. Wish we'd thought of it back at the SGC. We could have made fun of General Hammond behind his back and driven Janet crazy in the infirmary. Think of the possibilities!

-

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Electronic memos?

Who gave O'Neill guest access?

-

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Electronic memos?

Who do you think? I couldn't exactly say no after he agreed to let us stay here.

-

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Colonel John Sheppard

**RE**: Electronic memos?

Wait a minute. Does this mean...?

-

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett, Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Guest2

**RE**: Communications

How did you manage to rig up a city-wide electronic messaging system? I'm pretty sure that wasn't in the original mission plans. And I hope you're not using it to replace formal mission reports.

-

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Colonel John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Communications

Unfortunately, yes. (As you can see!) I couldn't give access to General O'Neill and not give it to Mr. Woolsey.


End file.
